Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

First let me say I'm sorry for posting again, don't want to hog the board, just going through some difficulties and honestly this is the only place I'll get any help.

Ok so, a few days ago, I had an argument with family- things were going fine with them, suddenly they wanted to take my 2 year old to Spain next year. I said a holiday in the UK was fine but not abroad, not without me, wasn't comfortable with it, not in my gut and no matter who is with, I feel there's too much risk for him being so little. He can't say his own name, he's only two and I just think of kids like Maddie, plus its 14 days which is too, too long.

They said they would cut the relationship unless I let him, they have a right to take him wherever, whenever. I explained my reasons and offered a compromise of a week holiday in the UK, possibly two through the year. A beach is still a beach! No texts. Yesterday night they were supposed to collect him for his usual stay over at theirs. No texts, no calls, silence.

So I'm guessing they're either trying to blackmail me into it with silence or have followed through. I'm pretty surprised tbh, a holiday argument worth the relationship and love for my son? And they really love seeing my son, and I thought our relationship had improved. Even my sister! Not going into it all now but need advice.

Basically, it is just me. Me alone. My son's dad doesn't want to see him and left 2 weeks into my pregnancy, after a long relationship and engagement. I don't have any friends, uni friends live too far, there's no-one here. I have my son's nursery and crèche staff, and my class teachers, that's it. No real support or shoulder. And frankly, with this new situation I'm terrified.

I'm used to being a single parent but its really hit it home now. I'm going to have to get a CM for my volunteering as part of my TA course, instead of my sister looking after my son. I'm going to have to really put in effort to treat my son, play centres, etc., as there's no sleepover at grandma's. I cant stay at home with him all the time and there are very few things to do in my area. I'm probably gonna have to cancel our trip to Disneyland Paris as there's no-one to look after my dog and guinea pig, and I was so, SO looking forward to that and saved so much for it.

I'm mostly worried that my son will be destroyed by having no-one, except me. No grandma, no aunt, no baby cousin, no dad. And that this will rebound to me, my fault, as though I should give in to blackmail and something I'm not comfortable with.

Has anyone got any advice or help? I see a lot of people here have cut ties from family for one reason or another, but more than often, they have partners and other families, other friends. I have none of that!

Thank you.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

You are right in this argument; and any family that uses your son to get their own way are bullies. Why aren't they inviting you to Spain too?

liney

Do you really want him to be around people who exclude, bully and blackmail their own daughter?

I would find out about single parent meeting groups in your area. Start with the surestart centre or your Health Visitor.

joansgirl

Stand your ground, girl. Whatever the arguments for and against this holiday, the ultimate decision is yours, and only yours. They MUST respect that. If they don't then they are family that are not worth having.

I know it seems daunting, cutting ties with them, but they are the instigators.

Follow Lineys advice.

I've cut ties with my family, I'm completely on my own. I haven't got a child to consider but even if I did I wouldn't change the situation. At least I don't have to compromise my morals and ethics to suit other people who laughingly call themselves "family".

You never know, they may yet change their attitudes. Fingers crossed.

Corelli

Crikey Wiggy, I do honestly think your son is better off without your mother and sister. He is not a trophy grandson to be taken about and shown off with your and his real needs put to one side. Building up a new social life for him and yourself will indeed be challenging but not beyond you. You have done so much, so much over the last year or so and I have a lot of respect for the way you have done it and carried on with uni.

Surestart and the health visitor sound good places to start, but I'm wondering if also there were any other mums in your ante natal group/classes you got on with? Also, the NCT do (did?) regular drop ins for different groups of parent and coffee mornings, it could be worth looking at what they do in your area - you don't have to be a member to join in with these things AFAIK.

As ffar as the dog and guinea pig are concerned, obviously you would only want very trustworthy people looking after them, but I'm wondering about homestart volounteers ... oh, homestart! I've heard very good things about them http://www.home-start.org.uk/about_us/what_we_do/support_services

Got to rush Wiggy, but wishing you all the very best

[Deleted User]

What has happened is unfair but your son is not going to be destroyed by it as you say.

He is two.., as long as you are there for him.., that's all he really really needs. The other relatives are just an added plus.., and they are not much of a plus if they can't understand that taking him away for two weeks without you being there is not good for him or you. Even a week in the UK would be a bit much.

You know this. Well done for standing your ground.

It seems to me the dynamics in your family background aren't too healthy.., and you might need to think about this and how it has affected you as well as your son.

I hope you will try to develop friends who also have children. Parent and toddler groups are a good start, a local church, adult education.., look in the local paper. You can survive without a family. In fact, you can do very well without a family. Most of us, to be honest, don't have a high level of family support when we have children.

pollypenny

They must not understand two year olds very well if they want to take him away from his mother for two weeks.

However, it's only a few days since your argument, so I'm sure they will miss the little one soon and at least want to visit and take him for walks, etc.

DigForVictory

They must have forgotten how much care a two year old takes.
I wouldn't *dream* of trying to take one without a parent along! Yet mixed family holidays where between the two families we had 6 over 18s to mind 3 under 6s were blissful - the little ones could run and thus slept like felled trees.
Hoping your amnesiac family wake up & smell the coffee soon - in the menatime, you hold the ace. Cuddle him from us!

Ruby_woo

You are totally right. Do not be bullied. He is only two for heavens sake. He will cope with just you if it comes to that, you will be a very close unit the pair of you!

Try not to worry darling xxx

Birdie85

I'm shocked that your family want to take your 2 year old son away for 2 weeks without his Mum! What planet are they on that they're actually surprised that you refused and are now threatening to cut contact?! Bizarre...

Honestly, I wouldn't panic too much about them sticking to this no contact nonsense for a prolonged period of time, they're probably sulking for a few days in the hope you'll back down then once they realise that it's not working they'll be back in touch.

I'd recommend finding some people you can rely on though if your family can kick off over silly little things like this. Join some mother and toddler groups and see if you can find any friends in similar circumstances. Hope you manage to find someone trustworthy to care for your pets, would be such a shame to have to cancel your trip to DLP.

Any

I think if I suggested I will take my sister's kids on holidays I would have their packed suitcases by my front door tomorrow, lol!!

OP, why are they wanting to take just him? Why not you as well? Does your family have a house there or something?

Either way, if you don't want to do it, you don't want to do it. They seem petty, childish and controlling.
But it is not such an end of the world as you are making it.

Are there no kennels in your area?? Why would you have to cancel the Disneyland Paris?

And your sister normally looks after your son? So it is not like he is not used to her, or your mother..

I think you are making a bit of a drama out of this personally... Cases like Maddie come to your mind when someone talks about abroad???? You do know she was left alone in the house?? (well, with another child, but without adult). And her mother was abroad with her!! There is plenty of cases in the UK, where children were taken out of their own houses!!

As I say if you don't want to do it, you don't. 2 year old without mother for 2 weeks is too long. But don't obscure the problem you have with it by something like Maddie's case..