Family cut themselves out of my son's life

mysecretalias

embob74 wrote: »

I had a fall out with my mum many years ago. Things came to a head when I lived with her and she told me to get out (along with my children).
I ended up in a hostel for over a year. And I had no contact with mum.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had always been subservient so I felt so free! I eventually allowed contact with my children and over time we had a relationship again but on a different footing.
It can be hard feeling alone but please keep looking ahead to the future and planning your life without your mum interfering.
One of the best life lessons I learnt was never to rely on my mum as she would always let me down or use it against me. I have kept that in mind and it has made me a stronger person and one who can not be emotionally blackmailed.

Embob74 I was in almost the exact same situation as you at the start of this year living with a very toxic mother and brother and my mother told me to leave after certain events which I won't go into that still make me sick to this day. I didn't have it as bad as you and moved in with my boyfriend thankfully to avoid anything worse. I too am glad I got away - her kicking me out was the best thing that ever happened to me and I realised I have to live for myself and not try and make others happy all of the time.

Wiggywoo9 I would never suggest you or anyone else cut your family out but maybe you need to take a break from them for a while. Don't respond to ANYTHING even threats etc and just spend time with your son for a few months building up your own support networks i.e mother and toddler groups like others have suggested on here. If you google something like 'mum and toddler groups/coffee mornings in x area' you could start there.

You may find if you do that not only will you be calmer/less stressed out all the time but your family will also start to realise hmmmm....maybe wiggywoo9 has her own life and friends etc because she's not pandering to our every whim anymore.... And they might start to realise why. I haven't quite reached that stage with my family yet and it's been almost a year. I know in the future I will see if I can build somewhat of a relationship with my mother without other more toxic family members present, because I am 10 weeks pregnant and I will no doubt feel that I need to at least make one last ditch effort to have some sort of normal relationship with her when the time comes and she finds out, but I'm not quite there yet. Don't get me wrong though - if it turns toxic again, I would not think twice about cutting her out permanently much as it would upset me, because I don't want my child to grow up in the same environment I did.

If your sister etc do get into contact and express concern for you (and you see it is genuine rather than simply seeking information about what you're up to, for purposes of reporting back to your mother which is what I've had to deal with) then all you need to calmly respond with is 'I'm fine thanks for asking, have been ever so busy recently!' which will show them that you're not showing any sort of stress and saying your busy will also get them thinking hmm maybe she has a life outside of us.

I think you need to make your family realise that they aren't the be all and end all in your life and you have lots of other places to turn and things going on. Once they realise that (and you do indeed form networks etc) they will be less likely to try and extort you and take the mick because they will know you can just go elsewhere for support when you need it!!

Sorry for ramble....hope I've helped.

mysecretalias

Oh and I forgot to add (shocking given the length of my last ramble) that I agree with others who say:

Change the lock on your door
Get yourself one of those heavy duty wall safes and put your sons passport and any other important documentation in there, or keep it somewhere very safe
Keep anything threatening that is sent to you
Flag this up to your local police and say you are concerned and do not wish to pursue any action at this time but ask if there are any support networks or charities that can give you advice on the sort of situation where your mother is making threats to 'come and get your child'

I also echo others (from having worked in a family court for a year) who say grandparents have absolutely ZERO rights to see or spend time with your child. So if your mother has some sort of warped view that she can access your child without your consent then I would nip that in the bud straight away before you take a break from her! And don't be afraid to threaten getting police involved if she continues to make threats towards you involving your child, if you need to make her see how serious you are.

Mojisola

mysecretalias wrote: »

Change the lock on your door

Please do as mysecretalias suggests - you might have a bolt for when you're in the flat but you don't want to come home one day and find your relatives in your flat, waiting for you and your son!

Tiddlywinks

The threats are absolutely unacceptable and I also think that you should ask the police for advice and show them the relevant texts.

They will record your concerns and should also record the content of the texts... ask them to do that if they don't offer.

Your mother seems to want to control you and your son, no matter what... that is worrying to hear and you should not expose your son to that sort of treatment.

Don't respond to texts, answer calls etc as this will only encourage them to continue contact.

Oh, and change the locks... as someone else said, you don't want to come home and find them waiting for you.

meritaten

I am sorry Wiggy - but I agree that you should report these threats to the police - if the worst did happen, then the police will KNOW from your previous report that this is serious and should take immediate action. it would save precious time explaining the background too.

and yes - change the lock! its easy enough to gain access through an entryway - and you cannot be there 24/7!

duchy

especially as you're going to be out more building up a new social network !!

Listen I know after you were unwell your Mum threatened to go for custody and "take him away" but you are in a very different place now ....You have your degree, you have your own place...heck you are even planning a holiday ... things have moved on bigtime and your Mum can't see that . Even normal balanced parents have trouble accepting that their "babies" are now adults -let alone control freak ones like your Mum who always wants her own way (like trying to ruin everyone's holiday as she was the driver so called the shots).

Don't try to please her, don't try to make peace, give yourself some breathing space -reply pleasently to texts and don't rise to threats eg if she says "I'm going to take him away" reply with "LOL You have such a great sense of humour....as if I'd allow that" rather than get angry or defensive - the only power your Mum has over you is the power you allow her. Yes it would be lovely if she was a normal Mum - but she isn't . Just feel sorry for your sister you and your son escaped - she's stuck there with her baby and your Mum controling them.

LannieDuck

I slightly disagree with the general consensus that you shouldn't go to the Halloween party (although a bit late now - lol!). You should do whatever you want to do. If you don't want to go, that's fine. But if you do want to go, don't let your Mum's presence/input put you off. The point is you're an adult and it's up to you

mysecretalias

Have been lurking on this thread for a while now hoping for an update and just wanted to say hope you are doing ok wiggywoo9 x

wiggywoo9

Thanks, I'm ok. We had a good Halloween ourselves and are going to a local display tonight too. I've just been ignoring my mum since that text where she said I was pathetic, no apology etc. Since then had several texts from her, one right after asking what my son wants for Christmas, asking how's X, one saying it's a shame you didn't come to Halloween party. Had one yesterday asking what I'm going to do for bonfire night, are you still wanting to go as a family, are you just gonna keep ignoring me? also what about my nan's birthday and xmas?. No rephrasing there, that was it.
Don't know how to reply without her having a go again, not going to explain myself or ask her to apologise again- I shouldn't even have to do that. At the moment I'd like to do what people are suggesting, get my own life and do things ourselves. I've got a locksmith lined up and got a CM too, that made me extremely happy, silly as it sounds! No attempt to get him on Halloween as far as I know as we were out, no-one's come up at all. I half expected my sister to come up, desperate to see my son, cos she loves seeing him and he's the only company her child has. We're on a straight 30 min bus route from theirs so wouldn't be difficult, but nope.
Everything goes back to normal next week, with our classes, nursery etc., so we'll have a lot on anyway. Just worried that my sisters, nephew and nan are resenting me or believing tales my mum has told. There's not much I can do here, they all live under my mum's roof. There are some moments where I feel unsettled because of not seeing all of them like I would usually. Worried they'll try and use the PND card again, saying I've gone off my rocker etc., but had health visitor and GP all confirm I was ok, not more than a few weeks ago. I haven't had issues like that since last year.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Just worried that my sisters, nephew and nan are resenting me or believing tales my mum has told. There's not much I can do here, they all live under my mum's roof. There are some moments where I feel unsettled because of not seeing all of them like I would usually.

They must know just as well as you what your Mum is like but, because they are all living together, probably have to keep quiet to stop themselves becoming a target for her jibes.