Family cut themselves out of my son's life

wiggywoo9

HPoirot, I'm not too sure, as they have done some weird stuff through my childhood like showing up on my playground, etc., probably part of the bipolar issues. His mum is well into dementia now, his dad died a few years back, his sister I barely know. Even now I have the prejudice of my mum running through me, as any relationship with them ended around 7 years old. I only know to be wary and afraid of them, and that's pretty tricky to change. I often wonder if him/they are why my mum was so, well, difficult, with my PND.

HPoirot

That's fair enough, if it won't enrich your and your son's lives then there's no point.

On the subject of your mum, we can find a million excuses for why people act or react the way they do, but the bottom line is - if as your parent she put you through all this nastiness when you were at your most vulnerable instead of helping you, and is still being overbearing - then she's not worth knowing. It looks like more a question of attitude on her part than any repercussion of being involved with those who have a mental illness.

wiggywoo9

I've just had two texts this morning- one saying morning, when can I see x? the second saying you haven't replied, are you not letting me him now then?

Not sure whether to say we're taking a break or ignore it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I've just had two texts this morning- one saying morning, when can I see x? the second saying you haven't replied, are you not letting me him now then?

Not sure whether to say we're taking a break or ignore it.

There's usually an option with mobiles where you can select 'more' when reading a text message - and then an even better one called 'BLOCK NUMBER'.

I suggest you use it.



And have you changed your locks yet?

wiggywoo9

Locks changed this morning.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

I've just had two texts this morning- one saying morning, when can I see x? the second saying you haven't replied, are you not letting me him now then?

Not sure whether to say we're taking a break or ignore it.

I would ignore the texts for the time being.

Every time you reply, you're getting drawn back into her game.

Flugelhorn

Wiggy i don't know the whole background but I suspect your mother would have been horrified if her mother was behaving as she is now.. pity she can't see that.

I think you are doing all the right things - perfectly possible to be independent of the family - see them on occasions when it suits you but don't let them rule your life.

My Kids have rarely seen much of their families (other than GParents) mainly because of distance .. Hasn't hurt - though I see that there are various jolly FB friendships of their own choice etc

LannieDuck

I think I would probably reply - if your Mum doesn't know what's made you mad, she won't be able to change - but you need to be careful not to get sucked in to a big argument.

Taking things right back to where we started, I might reply with something like "You said you didn't want to see us again if you couldn't take X abroad for two weeks. I haven't changed my mind about that, so assumed you didn't want to see us. Has that changed?" (Note the 'us' - it's totally unreasonable of her to cut you out and expect to still see your son.)

Or, I recall you asked her for an apology a couple of days ago and she ignored you, so you could explain that you're still waiting for the apology. Simply ignoring her completely will make you seem unreasonable and will make her out to be the wronged party.

But that's just my outsiders view, and I'm lucky enough not to have manipulative parents, so I acknowledge I don't have much real-life experience with this sort of situation.

sassyblue

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

They said they would cut the relationship unless I let him, they have a right to take him wherever, whenever.

No they don't. Tell them to F.O. Your child, your rules.

As others have said, STOP contacting them, from today your life is run by YOUR rules, they either respect that or have a tantrum in their own home where you can't see or hear it.

I would write a polite letter, explaining that from now on you will be ignoring any unreasonable or bullying behaviour without explanations, and mean what you say. Don't get sucked into their toxicity, you can change how you want life to be by being in control, just keep at it. xx

Mojisola

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think I would probably reply - if your Mum doesn't know what's made you mad, she won't be able to change - but you need to be careful not to get sucked in to a big argument.

Taking things right back to where we started, I might reply with something like "You said you didn't want to see us again if you couldn't take X abroad for two weeks. I haven't changed my mind about that, so assumed you didn't want to see us. Has that changed?" (Note the 'us' - it's totally unreasonable of her to cut you out and expect to still see your son.)

Or, I recall you asked her for an apology a couple of days ago and she ignored you, so you could explain that you're still waiting for the apology. Simply ignoring her completely will make you seem unreasonable and will make her out to be the wronged party.

But that's just my outsiders view, and I'm lucky enough not to have manipulative parents, so I acknowledge I don't have much real-life experience with this sort of situation.

The problem is that every time you reply you are giving her another chance to come back at you and helping her to escalate the stress. If you say "Has that changed?" or "I'm waiting for an apology", she has a reason to answer and then you're in the wrong if you don't reply to her.

wiggy - if you're not going to cut her off completely, think about waiting until the evening and then sending one bland text. What you say depends on what you want to achieve.