Family cut themselves out of my son's life

itsanne

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Response:

I never said I didn't want to see him! I said I wouldn't have him overnight anymore as you don't trust me, I'm not bothered if you don't want to see us but I still want to see X to keep an eye on him, you're being childish tbh, not texting back and not letting us take him out for Halloween or firework night that's not putting X first at all! so your now gonna try and cut yourself off how's that fair on X?

When she mentioned not having him, she texted it with a finality to it, pretty sure she meant she didn't want to see him then if she didn't get what she wanted, as I asked her to reconsider and she refused saying maybe when he's older they can try again!

Coming to this thread late, and reading all of it, your mother has not budged at all. If the bit in bold is not intended to be undermining, I don't know what would be.

You don't need to angst about whether you could have misunderstood what she meant originally. She will twist everything to make you uncertain and uncomfortable, and it's really not good for you for her to get to you like that. For that reason, I'm with those who suggest not texting at all, at least for the present.

You're doing very well so far!

sassyblue

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Response:

I never said I didn't want to see him! I said I wouldn't have him overnight anymore as you don't trust me, I'm not bothered if you don't want to see us but I still want to see X to keep an eye on him, you're being childish tbh, not texting back and not letting us take him out for Halloween or firework night that's not putting X first at all! so your now gonna try and cut yourself off how's that fair on X?

When she mentioned not having him, she texted it with a finality to it, pretty sure she meant she didn't want to see him then if she didn't get what she wanted, as I asked her to reconsider and she refused saying maybe when he's older they can try again!

She did, but she is trying to manipulate you again DON'T let it undermine you!

Everytime you shield your son she will use him like a weapon, see above
'to keep an eye on him'
'how's that fair on X'
'not putting him first'
All designed to make you think she knows best. She DOESN'T. Just remember she is using those words to try and get her own way..... her attempts don't have to work and when you're stronger her words with fall off you much better than they do now.

Well done for pulling away from her and welcome to the rest of your life. :A

Corelli

Just one thing, someone mentioned deleting unpleasant texts. Tbh, I reckon you should keep them incase you ever need to prove anything. Have you anyway of storing them somewhere that you won't be tempted to keep looking at them and hurting yourself?

missprice

sassyblue wrote: »

All designed to make you think she knows best. She DOESN'T. Just remember she is using those words to try and get her own way..... her attempts don't have to work and when you're stronger her words with fall off you much better than they do now.

Well done for pulling away from her and welcome to the rest of your life. :A

Above in bold is right, the longer you ignore and keep away from her the stronger you will become.
Not to say you wont cry about the lack of a relationship (you will I am sure) but eventually with long enough time away from her you either will manage to see her on your terms only and cope with the manipulation, which no matter how long away she will still do.
Or you will just say to yourself no way will I even see her again, the whole time its so stressful its not worth my mental health to even talk to her.

As for your child, don't worry mine made it to adulthood with only me in their life, as my g parents died before they were born, my mother was a waste of space and I cut her out, my birth father ignored me and as a result them too, their father didn't want to know and his parents were awful and lived too far away.

They survived and I made the best of it, I could have done better no doubt but it was the best I could do at the time and in the circumstances.

[Deleted User]

If you had the history you have with your mum, with a partner.., it would be called an abusive relationship. I say this because the texts she has sent are very like the one's I still get from my younger son's father. Very manipulative.., dropping past statements like they never happened, changing what she said so it sounds like she's trying to help (and of course, she is the misunderstood victim). blah blah blah.

You are wasting your time sending replies.., she isn't hearing them. I know from years of experience, it doesn't matter how many times you send these replies, it isn't being absorbed because she's on a different wave length to you. Its just another 'weapon' for her to send manipulative replies to.

Personally, I'd block her texts for at least a while. You've covered all your bases and doing so very well.

Don't delete the texts until you have saved them on a pc or somewhere else so they can be used later on if needed.

Thinking of you and sending hugs

RAS

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Response:

I never said I didn't want to see him! I said I wouldn't have him overnight anymore as you don't trust me, I'm not bothered if you don't want to see us but I still want to see X to keep an eye on him, you're being childish tbh, not texting back and not letting us take him out for Halloween or firework night that's not putting X first at all! so your now gonna try and cut yourself off how's that fair on X?

When she mentioned not having him, she texted it with a finality to it, pretty sure she meant she didn't want to see him then if she didn't get what she wanted, as I asked her to reconsider and she refused saying maybe when he's older they can try again!

wiggy

Bullying you did not get the result she wanted. So now she is trying to move the goal posts.

You have friends through the TA and you have a lovely son. I suspect that the fact that you do not have more friends of your own age may be more about mum making it difficult for you to develop relationships outside the family?

With respect to the future, most universities offer their graduates support in obtaining work or further qualifications for 3 years. So if what you have now is not what you want for the future, make a point of using them as much as possible.

Also speak to your health visitor if you have contact and ask about groups for young mums or single parents. DS will be getting as much contact with his peer group through the CM and nursery as he needs, so no worries about isoloation there.

LannieDuck

I've been thinking about this a lot because I'm obviously disagreeing with most of the other posters. It might be because I'm expecting your Mum to have a rational response to things, and other posters have more experience of irrational families than I do!

It's obvious that your Mum has a different recollection of your conversations than you. I have this problem with my FIL and it's infuriating. She remembers things the way she wants to remember them, and arguing over the past is only going to give you a headache.

She's not going to 'realise' that she's done anything wrong, because she doesn't think she has. So if you cut her off for a while now, when you do reinstate contact, she'll be exactly the same. Plus you have the problem that you'd like to maintain contact with your sister.

In your position (and assuming you don't prefer to just cut off contact for your sanity - I don't think MSE would blame you), I think I would work out exactly what I wanted from your Mum, and then apply the toddler-training method of achieving it - reward good behaviour and ignore bad :P If I've understood correctly, you ultimately want her to respect your parenting decisions. Basically, what you say goes when it comes to your son.

So you tell her that, and if she promises to respect your parenting, you reinstate contact... until she steps out of line. Then you withdraw, tell her why, and tell her that you expect an apology before you'll be in contact again. Be consistent and firm. Make it clear what you want from her, and stick to it.

I don't know if it will work. I'm sure others will have opinions I'm just worried that withdrawing now without saying why won't solve anything and will leave you with the same problems in the future.

meritaten

You are doing really well wiggy. coping admirably under what must be a huge strain! You sound like a mature, well-balanced woman and shouldn't be doubting yourself!
Your mums last text reeked of manipulation, she was really piling on the guilt trip too.
now please block her! your life is coming along nicely now - you have the foundations in place, and you need to concentrate on building on that.
You and your child are the only 'family' that counts! everyone else comes second - so look after yourself and your son! I know you will reap the rewards instead of living in fear of mum. How liberating that will be!

PuzzledDave

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Response:

Reading the response(s), I've not found a single warm, motherly comment towards you - just a list of demands that you hand over your child on command. I'm struggling to see what she feels she has to offer the child, other than lessons in cold manipulation of course.

" I'm not bothered if you don't want to see us" --- charming...

The one thing any sensible grandparent does if they want access to to their grandchild - make the parents life as easy as possible and know when to back away from being overbearing. In other words:

Grandparents access is a privilege to be preserved by excellent behaviour, it most certainly is not a right to be demanded.

meritaten

^^^^^^^^^^^^ as a grandparent myself - PuzzledDave is quite right.