Family cut themselves out of my son's life

meritaten

I do remember your previous threads wiggywoo - and I admire you tremendously - you are working incredibly hard to make a better life for you and your son!
Your family are totally out of order here! I have six grandchildren and as far as I am concerned their parents word is LAW! though to be perfectly honest no way, would I take a very young child on holiday without his mum or dad or preferable both!

I have to wonder which planet they are living on? because grandparents DO NOT have 'rights'. except 'moral' rights and they seem sadly lacking in their part of Moral rights. To call them bullies is mild, they sound almost Narcissistic and their smug belief in their 'rightness'!
I would advise you to find yourself a different support system - is there no charitable organisation in your area for mums and toddlers? even if its attached to a church group - there usually isn't any pressure to attend church if you don't want to.
scan local notice boards - lots of 'informal' groups advertise in libraries, GPs surgeries, supermarkets or outside community centres. join one or two - the mums are a great source of 'knowledge' and could form a great support team for you.
Don't give in - as a grandparent myself I would back you 100% on this!

PuzzledDave

I've found one of the most effective things to do when people are being completely unreasonable, is to take them at their word. Usually they quickly stop being unreasonable and come to their senses...

So if it was me I would send a text or two saying something like:

I can see your threat of cutting contact if you did not get to take my child from me whenever you wish was serious. I'm most sorry it has come to this, but I will not be dictated to about where my child spends their time in these joyous but formative and irreplaceable moments. Thank you for the times you have been there and I will speak most fondly about you as <childs name> grows up. Goodbye.


That should bring matters to a head sharpish.

I wish you the very best of luck and can enjoy these moments when your child is at home with you, all too soon they will be going to nursery for half the day... then school for most of the day... then out with their friends all night... NOW is the most special and direct time you will EVER have with them. Let NO ONE tell you that you cannot enjoy every single SECOND with them...

Yes, babies can be infuritating sometimes and my god do they make you knackered... but this time will NEVER come again, take it, every bit of it.

olibrofiz

What everyone else says xx Just wanted to add that I took my DD to Disneyland Paris when she was 5, she's 18 now, and doesn't remember it at all.

It will be sad to cancel your planned trip, but you could think about putting the pennies away for a few years so you can have a luxury break there when your son's a bit older and can remember it. It IS a fab place

HPoirot

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

Thank you for every single post. It helps to know I'm not going nuts or doubt my decisions! The reason they didn't invite me is cos we went for a full family holiday in a caravan last year. I had PND but paid for the van and ended up inviting all of them. I behaved pretty well, kept things light, but no, my mum ended up threatening to leave us a few days in, and as she was the only transport provider we had, we had to pander to everything she wanted. And I was always the black sheep. They said they'd never go anywhere with me again.
Only a few months ago they went DLP then Spain together, leaving me to look after everything, walk theirs and my mum's dog. And she wanted to take my son then too, and was asking constantly. I said no, as I've said now and I emphasised I am not happy with that and will not be changing til he's bigger, like 8/9.
The thing is, my sister has a baby, my son's cousin, and loves their relationship together. As her baby is under my mum's roof like mine was, and they took him abroad with them when they last went, they think her parenting and baby sets a precedent. I have a uneasy feeling that my sister's situation is an awful lot like mine, although she has her boyfriend still, who lives at his home. If any situation like mine happened, at least she's got options then. Unfortunate to be the biggest sister, where there's no-one above you to offer help!

Small children pick up on attitudes far more easily than we think. I wouldn't let any child of mine be constantly around people who held these thoughts against me.

jellyhead

I don't think I've seen your previous threads, but I think you're doing the right thing. It's in your son's best interests not to see them behaving like this towards you.

What's your financial situation, can you get help with childcare? When my sister was a student she got around 85% of her childcare bill paid for her.

It's nice to be with cousins, etc. but I think you need to take back the power in this situation so they can't threaten lack of childcare and affect your studies.

Toddler groups sound like a good idea. I went to 5 different ones but I only really made friends at one of them which was a more local one where a lot of the toddlers would be going to the same school as my son. At the other groups I felt like an outsider, but I kept going because my son liked going and it was something cheap to do within walking distance. Other parents sometimes arranged to meet up during the long summer holiday too, which was nice. Church groups felt the nicest to me, even though I'm not religious.

Our surestart centre has stopped running groups, but they still happen in more targeted areas so it's worth asking. The group I used to volunteer at was nice and was run by a member of staff who didn't have her own tots to keep an eye on, so she could spend ages chatting to anyone who was on their own or was having a bad day.

It sounds like you've done a lot this year and been stronger than you realised. You'll be okay, I'm sure of it. Don't let them bully you.

Kynthia

Is Gingerbread still around as that group was always a good place for single parents to support each other and socialise? OP, definitely socialise, go to groups and events, don't be reclusive and make the effort with people. Do favours for others and they will do them for you too, but don't be taken advantage off.

Mojisola

Kynthia wrote: »

Is Gingerbread still around as that group was always a good place for single parents to support each other and socialise? OP, definitely socialise, go to groups and events, don't be reclusive and make the effort with people. Do favours for others and they will do them for you too, but don't be taken advantage off.

And don't just think about other single parents. There are older folk out there who would love to spend time with children.

My Dad died last month and I've had lots of his young adult neighbours tell me that they feel they've lost a grand-dad because he was always on hand when they were little to mend bikes, play with them, let them help while he was gardening, etc.

caeler

I used to holiday with my grandparents all the time from about the age of 9 but we were very close, my mum (a single parent) couldn't get much time off work and wouldn't have been able to take me abroad so my grandparents stepped in. I absolutely loved the time I spent/d with them, infact I've had 4 holidays with them from the age of 9 until my late 20s! BUT it was with the full support and encouragement of my mum. Stick to your guns and don't be bullied. I couldn't imagine my mum saying she'd refused to go on holiday with me ever again, it would destroy me actually so big virtual hug from me. x

embob74

I had a fall out with my mum many years ago. Things came to a head when I lived with her and she told me to get out (along with my children).
I ended up in a hostel for over a year. And I had no contact with mum.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I had always been subservient so I felt so free! I eventually allowed contact with my children and over time we had a relationship again but on a different footing.
It can be hard feeling alone but please keep looking ahead to the future and planning your life without your mum interfering.
One of the best life lessons I learnt was never to rely on my mum as she would always let me down or use it against me. I have kept that in mind and it has made me a stronger person and one who can not be emotionally blackmailed.

Alchemilla

My parents have my kids every day while i work and i wouldnt let them take my kids abroad for a fortnight. It is just too long.
As has been said grandparents rights are consequent on the parents wishes so no worries there.
Hugs for you doing so well with the thankless exhausting task that is unlooked for single parenthood. Xxx