Family cut themselves out of my son's life

piglet25

I have a two year old son and and a four year old son and if anyone tried to take them away for two weeks from me they would be distraught, I don't understand why they aren't inviting you - for me that would be a massive no no. If they are so nasty as to cut contact with you both over this then they've done you a favour, put the dog in a kennel, rent out the pig for a week and go to Disney land

Alikay

That's incredibly nasty of them. You're absolutely right to say "no" to your 2 year old going on a 2 week foreign holiday without you. I'd have said the same. I can't give any advice about what do say or do with your family as I don't know the dynamics, but I think you were right to refuse, and they're behaving disgracefully. They know you need their support for your TA course which is why they're behaving as they are.

Regarding the lack of support: Why don't you ring your local Home Start and ask to have a volunteer start visiting? It may help you feel less isolated. And have a look on https://www.netmums.com to see what free activities you and your son can go to together.

I hope your parents call soon and apologise, but don't be browbeaten into letting him go: If you feel it's too far, for too long and that he's too young, then they must accept it.

peachyprice

Ok, going to go against the grain here, and thinking about my parents relationship with my children when they were 3 (as your son will be next summer) I don't think there is anything wrong at all with grandparent wanting to take a grandchild abroad for two weeks, if they're loving grandparents the child would be fine and it would make not a jot of difference to the child whether they were in the UK or Spain, so saying he could go in the UK but not Spain doesn't really make any sense, either they can take him on holiday, or they can't. But that's my view, and not everyone would feel the same.

BUT what is so very wrong is there total disregard for YOUR choice not to let him go. They have no rights to take him anywhere without your permission, what planet are they on thinking that they do.

As to emotionally blackmail you into submission, that is beyond belief, how can they expect to be trusted to love and care for a child who they are willing to cut out of their lives just to get their own way, that is really quite evil.

I do hope they realise that they are damaging you and your child soon and drop this idea, but stand your ground, you don't want it so don't give in to their despicable ways.

LannieDuck

I think you're right in this. You're the parent, and you get to decide. It doesn't really matter what the rest of us think - you're uncomfortable with them taking him abroad for 2 weeks, so that should be the end of it. You even offered a compromise.

For them to say 'do it our way or we won't ever see him again' is really silly and immature. I can't believe they still seem to have this view that he's theirs, and they can do what they want with him. Even after it drove you to move out. They still don't respect you as a parent at all

For what it's worth, my 2 year old has had two weekend stays overnight with her grandparents, apart from which she's never been away from me and OH overnight. I would let the grandparents take her away for a week in UK (although I don't think they would - a weekend is pretty exhausting!), but taking her abroad without me? Nope, she's far too young. Maybe when she's 7 or 8.

I'm sure there's a solution for your Disneyland trip. Is there a teenager in your building you would trust enough to feed the animals? Or the older son/daughter of one of the people at nursery?

...and you need to find yourself a support circle. Make sure you take time to go to events where you can talk to other people and make friends - local Mums and tots groups are the obvious ones, but perhaps coffee mornings at the local church, or childrens' events at your local library?

Prothet_of_Doom

Look on the brightside, you now know who you can not trust. Next stop a network of friends who can be trusted. Step one achieved.

duchy

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

They said they would cut the relationship unless I let him, they have a right to take him wherever, whenever. I explained my reasons and offered a compromise of a week holiday in the UK, possibly two through the year. A beach is still a beach! No texts. Yesterday night they were supposed to collect him for his usual stay over at theirs. No texts, no calls, silence.

Awww Hun -You really do have a difficult family don't you.

Right point one -they have absolutely NO legal rights over your son -and they know it which is why they are trying to stress you out with this text silence.

I do think your Mum in her head thinks you are still a child and if she pushes hard enough you'll give in (I do also remember she threatened to take your son from you when you were ill).

Whilst I believe extended family is important and can be a positive influence-when the family are constantly undermining the parents and showing manipulative and bullying behavior it is a negative influence on the child and therefore over-rides any positives.

I also think you are so much stronger and more mature than when you first started posting. You've gone from zero to hero - you managed to stay at uni and complete your degree despite losing your home (down to Mum again) and are building a happy and secure home for your own family -Look at your Christmas post -a year ago you wouldn't have had the confidence to plan your own Christmas in your own home-this Christmas you are putting yourself first -and making sure your son has a happy, secure Christmas without people who constantly undermine his Mum.

If you look here you'll often see posts where single Mums don't feel comfortable with a Father taking young children abroad and the compromise of starting with a shorter trip over here and build up gradually to longer and further holidays is often suggested. Your Mum made an offer-you've countered with a compromise which she has refused ....... That's the end of it-YOU are the parent - the one who makes decisions what is best for your son. Your Mum needs to respect this. On past history she thinks you'll cave in -she's bullying you to get her own way. I'm sure in her way she thinks she's doing a kind thing (although I have to wonder why if she's so anxious to have a family holiday why she's offering your son a holiday but not you. If she's that keen then why can't she offer to take you both ?) She's playing a weird game of divide and conquer- she's mad because you won't play along.

Your son will NOT be "destroyed" by not having extended family -but he may be destroyed by having a Grandmother and Aunt who undermine his security by bullying his Mum.

I think having a childminder rather than allowing your sister the tool to blackmail you with the threat of withdrawing childcare and messing up your placement is a really wise idea...Deep down you KNOW she'll try it on at some point. As for the dog and g-pig -there will be options but you really need to get out and make new friends. You made friends at uni even though you had little in common with some of them - How much easier is it to make friends with other Mums where you already have your kids in common ?

Surestart is helpful but also seek out mother and toddler groups (often in church halls and the local Sally Army have them too) Try several different ones but don't just go once and give up - try a few times and give each one a chance. Also - and I know not everyone will agree with this.....check out your local churches - many have lovely Sunday schools for the little ones....and even though I didn't regard myself as religious I found the services very soothing (it was my little piece of peace in a busy life) -and I met lots of other Mums that way. Some churches are really family friendly -your son will meet new kids to play with and you'll meet some new people -who have Christian values so are already open to treating people positively. You don't need to be a committed Christian to go to church -lots of people go for other reasons.

If you find a playgroup you like (or even a Sunday school) you could volunteer there- a great way to meet people and it isn't going to hurt on your CV either and no childcare problems as your son can go too. (As you already have enhanced CRB for your TA course -I know the name has changed-they'll probably bite your hand off if you offer to volunteer)

I remember taking my son to church when he was two - our first week there I met a lovely lady-also a single Mum - and she confided in me that she was going to church so her daughter would get a place in the excellent CoE primary school attached. It wasn't my local school at the time ......but by the time both our kids turned 5 it was .... and her plan worked. I reminded her one day about our conversation and she laughed and said taking her was the best thing she had done as she met so many lovely people there at a time she felt very isolated.

Sorry this has turned into a novel but I hope some of this is helpful.

Prothet_of_Doom

My parents had our 2 kids in a holiday caravan for a weekend and managed to injure both of them, through basic stupidity. I am actually surprised that I survived childhood, as they have no concept of risk at all.

Mojisola

wiggywoo9 wrote: »

They said they would cut the relationship unless I let him, they have a right to take him wherever, whenever.

No, they don't! They don't have any legal rights over your son.

Basically, it is just me. Me alone. My son's dad doesn't want to see him and left 2 weeks into my pregnancy, after a long relationship and engagement. I don't have any friends, uni friends live too far, there's no-one here. I have my son's nursery and crèche staff, and my class teachers, that's it. No real support or shoulder. And frankly, with this new situation I'm terrified.

I'm mostly worried that my son will be destroyed by having no-one, except me. No grandma, no aunt, no baby cousin, no dad. And that this will rebound to me, my fault, as though I should give in to blackmail and something I'm not comfortable with.

It's understandable to be anxious about the situation. Follow the advice about getting to know other single parents and using any other organisations who will help.

Your son will not be harmed if he doesn't have contact with people who treat you like this! He may be affected if he is subjected to their behaviour.

It can be very hard but sometimes it's better not to have contact with relations but to build up your own support network.

duchy

Oh one more thing ....Two can play the text silence game.
Stop texting !!

jjj1980

Oh OP, I really feel for you. I was still only 28weeks pregnant with my daughter when my now-ex inlaws started making demands over "their rights" to seeing her without me present. I was TOLD that her first holiday overseas was going to be with them, before she turned one, without me present and would be for at least 2 weeks, possibly 3. I said no immediately and carried on saying no. After them making threats when she was 8 weeks old to disappear with her for good if I turned my back, I put a stop to them seeing her.

I spoke to a solicitor to be totally sure of what I believed and was told grandparents have no legal rights to any contact with grandchildren, aunts/uncles etc have even less. If the grandparents wanted to fight it, they would have to go via solicitors to put a request to the judge for permission to submit a contact order request. They are not allowed to just start proceedings, as a biological parents would be. You would hen be given the opportunity to explain why you felt no contact was the best way forward and without strongly opposing evidence, the judges would always look more favourably on the parents side. Even if by a rare chance, they were given the right to submit the contact order request, they would have a huge uphill battle again to even get it in front of the Court as without proof of a substantial existing relationship, (I was told this would mean around 10 years of almost daily contact), solicitors know these requests almost always fail.

Taking your child abroad would not be included in the contact order anyway and they would be told it would only be with your consent. I know how worrying it is but try not to tie yourself up in knots as you are the one with the rights, not them.

My daughter is now 4 and whilst she has a fantastic relationship with my side of the family, I only started leaving her with my mum for an hour a time when she was just turned 1, stated half days at nursery at 2 when I went back to work and has stayed with my mum or dad at other times for a couple of hours at time. She is happy, confident, bright and bubbly. It certainly hasn't done her any damage and your little one will be just fine also.

Like the other posters said, as long as your son has you, he will be fine. I've been a single parent since my daughter was 5 months old and even though I have a supportive family, it was still bloody tough. You will be amazed how quickly you will make friends with other mums at toddler groups. Church groups are also a good way to meet. Your Health Visitor will have details of the groups and any Sure Start centre will have groups and support networks in place.