Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

muddywellies

I imagine there are a few of us out there.

My husband and I are currently separated, we've been in a state of limbo for a while. We have three very young children.

I was really young when I met him and almost naturally he took on a sort of leader role and would make important decisions about mortgages and finances and all sorts. He was generally kind, supportive, loving and ticked all the good boyfriend boxes. When we first got married we had amazing times. Of course we argued sometimes, and he did try to control me and this would annoy me but on the whole things were good, I would say.

But when I became a mum, so much changed. He didn't approve of the way I parented (probably correctly, I had PND and i wasn't a very good mum.) He used to tell me off and lecture me about stuff and I used to end up being like a sulky teenager. When I went back to work he made it very difficult for me to work because he wouldn't drop the baby off at the child minder or similar - he'd say 'well you chose to work' In the end I gave up. So now I've no job or anything - I'm just a mum.

I do really love him. But he can be awful. He does hit - not hard but it has been known, shake, push and shove. He can be awful verbally. He definitely controls all the money (even he concedes he's controlling with money) and can be demanding about sex and when he wants it.

If I leave, I just can't cope. I've tried it and it's just too hard juggling the children and everything. I can't do it.

I wonder if a marriage can ever really survive this. I think I can survive it but to survive it it's like I have to shut a part of me down. A lot of the time I feel as if I really don't like myself very much. I also find myself stewing over bad decisions I made in the past a lot and I feel very anxious about anyone 'official' - doctors or teachers or social services or health visitors. It really goes have a bad effect on me as I feel sick and my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to wet myself. Even just going near a police car has this effect when I'm feeling like this.

If I tell him he says its shame because I'm not a very good parent but he also says he feels I'm a lovely mum when he's around to keep an eye on things.

I must admit things go to pot when he's not here.

I don't know what to do.

SailorSam

I understand how easy it is for someone to get into your situation OP, especially if you got together when you were young. But i can't understand why you stay. Is the way you get treated really love ? What life have you got when you're walking around on 'egg shells' all the time.

Pollycat

How are you managing now (as you say you're separated)?

Do you have any support - parents, siblings, good friends?

muddywellies wrote: »

I do really love him. But he can be awful. He does hit - not hard but it has been known, shake, push and shove. He can be awful verbally. He definitely controls all the money (even he concedes he's controlling with money) and can be demanding about sex and when he wants it.

Do you want your 3 children brought up in this atmosphere?

He's controlling, manipulative and unsupportive.
He's brow-beaten (not to mention probably physically beaten) you into thinking you're worthless.
And if you stay with him, it will only get worse.

If your friend came to you with the problems you detail, what would your advice to her be?

muddywellies

I guess because he is so good at presenting things like I'm the one to blame.

I spoke to him before and he says things like 'you just don't do what you do very well when I'm not here do you?' but he doesn't say them harshly, it's more sort of amused indulgence and he'll often roll his eyes and laugh a bit.

He has a list as long as his arm about my bad behaviour, I have the same for him. Maybe we deserve one another.

As to why I stay or why I haven't completely called time on the marriage, because of the children. I just don't deal with stuff very well. Someone said to me a few months ago if I had ever considered I had a form of ADHD and I dismissed it but I have wondered if it's possible.

barbiedoll

muddywellies wrote: »

I imagine there are a few of us out there.

My husband and I are currently separated, we've been in a state of limbo for a while. We have three very young children. How young? All under 5 (for instance)?

I was really young when I met him and almost naturally he took on a sort of leader role and would make important decisions about mortgages and finances and all sorts. He was generally kind, supportive, loving and ticked all the good boyfriend boxes. When we first got married we had amazing times. Of course we argued sometimes, and he did try to control me and this would annoy me but on the whole things were good, I would say. This is not uncommon amongst couples who met when they were young. But you should be encouraged to contribute to decisions about finances and so on.

But when I became a mum, so much changed. He didn't approve of the way I parented (probably correctly, I had PND and i wasn't a very good mum.) PND is an illness like any other. Having PND doesn't make you a bad mum. Did you receive any treatment for it?

He used to tell me off and lecture me about stuff and I used to end up being like a sulky teenager. When I went back to work he made it very difficult for me to work because he wouldn't drop the baby off at the child minder or similar - he'd say 'well you chose to work' In the end I gave up. So now I've no job or anything - I'm just a mum. You're not "just" a mum, being a mum is a very difficult and very important and responsible job.

I do really love him. But he can be awful. He does hit - not hard but it has been known, Not acceptable. shake, push and shove. Not acceptable He can be awful verbally. Not acceptable He definitely controls all the money (even he concedes he's controlling with money) and can be demanding about sex and when he wants it. Not acceptable in a relationship of equals.

If I leave, I just can't cope. I've tried it and it's just too hard juggling the children and everything. I can't do it. What is hard specifically?

I wonder if a marriage can ever really survive this. I think I can survive it but to survive it it's like I have to shut a part of me down. A lot of the time I feel as if I really don't like myself very much. I also find myself stewing over bad decisions I made in the past a lot and I feel very anxious about anyone 'official' - doctors or teachers or social services or health visitors. Maybe you're scared because you know deep down that this is affecting your children? It really goes have a bad effect on me as I feel sick and my heart starts racing and I feel like I'm going to wet myself. Even just going near a police car has this effect when I'm feeling like this.

If I tell him he says its shame because I'm not a very good parent Why aren't you a good parent? but he also says he feels I'm a lovely mum when he's around to keep an eye on things. Why does he "have to keep an eye on things"? Does he mean that he has to keep an eye on you?

I must admit things go to pot when he's not here. In what way?

I don't know what to do.

Where is he living now that you're separated? Does he still come round to "help" you out? What led to the separation, was it at your instigation?


I think you know that things aren't supposed to be this way and you should definitely know that it isn't your fault. What happens next is up to you but you need to think about your children, who may otherwise have to grow up in a home where their mother gets verbally and physically attacked by their father. This is never a good thing.

Check out Women's aid on the web. (Don't forget to clear your search history and browser afterwards, if you don't know how to do this, ask us)

They can offer help, advice and support.

GwylimT

You are teaching your children this is normal. So a boy will grow up thinking men hit their partners, while girls will grow up thinking girls are punch bags.

Do you want your children to live like this when they have relationships? If no there are choices, leave, relationship counselling. If you do want your children to have this sort of relationship stay. Now that may seem harsh, but unfortunately its the reality.

If you do decide to leave there are a wide range of options, personally if you do leave I would make sure there was another adult with me when I told him as he may be thinking the relationship isn't over.

A good parent is a happy parent, if you're on edge and worried you wont always be doing the absolute best, as you have already separated you have given yourself and your children the best chance already.

London50

I am sorry but IMO marriage and parenthood is a partnership between two people and yes every couple have their ups and downs, they have rows and fall outs but they should work together both for each other and the child/children they share.
I do not believe that he will change and the longer you are together the more controlling he could become.He seems to be treating you like a doormat but using subtle smiles and looks/comments to hope you cannot see just what he is doing.
We have been together for over 50 years and it has not been all plain sailing during these years but we give and take and share all things. This IMO is what makes a good marriage and I think you need either to get him to understand these things or as hard as it will be move on.

SailorSam

muddywellies wrote: »

As to why I stay or why I haven't completely called time on the marriage, because of the children.

You're staying 'cos of the children ?
Well how fair are you letting them grow up to believe this is how you act. For the next 15/20yrs they're going to grow up and take after you.
If you've got boys they're going to grow thinking it's ok to give a woman a smack if she doesn't do as she's told.
And if you have girls she'll end up with a man who'll walk all over her. And she'll accept that as the norm, 'cos she saw you accept it.

WannaBLoaded

Best to get out while the kids are still young.

Any hitting is not really acceptable. i can't imagine many men would think hitting a weak and fragile thing like a woman was acceptable.

What about when he breaks your nose or stabs you 100 times?

The guy sounds like a !!!!.

It's good you went back to work, though. Women who have kids and sit on their bums all day must have such a boring life waiting around to pick the kids up from school.

muddywellies

Well, I am a SAHM at the moment. My youngest is only a few months old though.

Truth is I find when we are apart everything goes wrong, stuff stops working or breaks (essential stuff) and I just can't afford to fix it.

That makes it sound like I'm with him for his money and I'm not. I feel safe when he's here which probably sounds like a contradiction in terms but I do feel like things are taken care of and I can think about being a good mum because everything else is sorted - you know?

ravilious_fan

Are you alone or do you have other family or friends nearby?