Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

muddywellies

I'm alone.

KxMx

Everything else isn't sorted, you are being physically and mentally abused.

Are you happy for your children to see that as normal?

Worse, are you prepared to put your children at risk of being hit and abused also?

Financially there is help out there for single parents and your ex would be required to pay maintenance.

FBaby

Everyone here will tell you to run away asap, that you are in an abusive relationship and that in no case it is right that you should stay because he will never change and only get worse.

In the end, only you can decide what is worse, living with this control or without. My only advice would be that if you choose to stay, lay down at least some rules, even if it takes a bit of time to install them. That is that he is not to push, hit or shove in any circumstances, and that you should have some say over the money. I would suggest you do look at taking on some work as soon as you can actually do so to gain some financial independence. Do start to show some initiative in making some decisions. He will most likely moan about it to start with, but might actually respect you for doing so.

If you decide to go because you want better than this, then do trust that you would be able to cope. It might take time, it would be tough, but if it is what you think is right, then you will find a way to make it through slowly.

muddywellies

I don't think I can cope. I can say that from bitter experience now. Any paid work I do would just be eaten up with childcare costs.

Also put simply I'm completely alone, without him.

duchy

muddywellies wrote: »

I don't think I can cope. I can say that from bitter experience now. Any paid work I do would just be eaten up with childcare costs.

Also put simply I'm completely alone, without him.

Why are you alone ?

Did he drive away your friends and family too ?

muddywellies

No, I just don't have any really - so am very isolated and need him, although I realise he's not always kind to me he usually is.

balletshoes

muddywellies wrote: »

No, I just don't have any really - so am very isolated and need him, although I realise he's not always kind to me he usually is.

you have no family? at all? no matter how far away?
I think your partner has chipped away at your self-confidence so much since you've been together that you can't see the reality of your situation, he has you thinking you can't possibly be without him. You can, there are millions of lone parents all over the world, coping well without their abusive ex's. Its an adjustment, and it might take time, but its all doable.

Have you looked into what benefits/credits etc you'd be entitled to on your own without any financial help from your partner if you split permanently?

Mojisola

barbiedoll wrote: »

Check out Women's aid on the web. (Don't forget to clear your search history and browser afterwards, if you don't know how to do this, ask us)

They can offer help, advice and support.

muddywellies wrote: »

I don't think I can cope. I can say that from bitter experience now. Any paid work I do would just be eaten up with childcare costs.

Women's Aid will help you but you have to be proactive and contact them. Making the break won't be easy but, for the sake of your children if you can't do it for yourself, please try.

You will probably be surprised at how much you can claim in benefits as you have three children. As a single mother with a very young child, you won't have to work for a few years. A lot can change in your life in that time.

elsien

muddywellies wrote: »

I guess because he is so good at presenting things like I'm the one to blame.

I spoke to him before and he says things like 'you just don't do what you do very well when I'm not here do you?' but he doesn't say them harshly, it's more sort of amused indulgence and he'll often roll his eyes and laugh a bit.

Just because he's not yelling it doesn't make it any less controlling and abusive. He's undermining what little confidence you had to start with and by stopping you working he's isolated you further.

"Controlling behaviour is: a range of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour"


If you're not ready to leave, that's your decision, but you still need to recognise his behaviour for what it is.

muddywellies

I don't have any family. I never had a big family and they're dead now.

Claiming benefits is a funny one as actually we are quite wealthy. So (quite rightly) I'm not entitled to claim anything. But in terms of actual cash I'm poor - it's tied up in property and other assets so I struggle with the day to day management of finances.

I hate how I feel but I do feel it. It is partly money but I feel so scared and alone in the world when he's not with me. I can't go through my life feeling like that.