Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

VfM4meplse

muddywellies wrote: »

I spoke to him before and he says things like 'you just don't do what you do very well when I'm not here do you?' but he doesn't say them harshly, it's more sort of amused indulgence and he'll often roll his eyes and laugh a bit.

Let him labour under this sweet delusion whilst you get on with your life without him.

He sounds highly unpleasant, even if he has a good side.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Since when is a toaster going on the blink been a good reason for having somebody (who is supposed to love and care for you but assumes they have a right to shove or hit you when they're miffed about something) poisoning your life and that of your children?

If you're on your own and the washing machine goes on the blink, wash the clothes in the bath. Google 'dishwasher doesn't drain' or 'sink blocked'. If money's a problem, look for a childminder nearby and get another job. That way, when the vacuum cleaner goes 'poufffff' when you switch it on, you mutter some rude words under your breath and order a cheap replacement online. Or you mention it at work and one of your colleagues replies that they've got their old one in the cupboard under the stairs at home from when they replaced it, so they'll bring it in tomorrow and you can have it. Or there's somebody in the office in her 40s who was a single parent herself 20 years ago, she knows how to fix stuff and explains how to do it.



You need a cheap set of tools, glue, WD40 and gaffer tape. Plus a wire coathanger for unblocking things. That solves having to ask a violent, controlling ratbag for help.


A rough approximation of benefits on the Entitled To website tells me that you'll receive the best part of £300 a week (before council tax benefit or housing costs are also paid to you) if you don't work. Plus maintenance. Are you still absolutely certain you can't afford to feed, clothe, top up the electricity/pay the TV licence and buy the odd cheap appliance for three small children and yourself on over £1200 in your pocket every month?


The fact is that you would be able to manage just fine without him. The question is whether you are prepared to try properly. Yes, it's hard, he's made sure you think you can't manage. But whilst it's easier to call him and ask him to make it all go away/get a fuse changed, it gives him another way to control you by making you feel bad. Just think about your eldest trying to put their own clothes on as a toddler. It took ages, they got tangled up, they looked like a circus performer with their choice of outfit, it would have been easier to do it for them. Or feeding themselves - at first, there's more over them and the floor than in their mouth. Much easier to take the spoon and do it for them. But they learn. The food finally gets inside them more often than not (it's rare that chocolate or ice cream misses as frequently as broccoli or baked beans), socks eventually get put on - not always matching ones and sometimes they're inside out - but they're not useless or stupid or incompetent, they're just learning new skills. Ones they wouldn't have learned without you letting them get on with it; and if they got into a tangle, you'd help without telling them they were useless. If you didn't do that, you'd have three children entirely dependent upon you to feed, wind, change, non vocal and unable to walk, talk or play, rather than one baby and two children.



You just need to learn new skills. Those skills will be far better for your children than their seeing Daddy shove Mummy about - some grow up thinking it's normal, some grow up hating the abuser, some grow up hating the victim because they resent having to grow up like that or because the abuser convinced them it was all the victim's fault.

**************************

It won't always be safe and nice and secure and easy - I remember walking into the kitchen to see the washing machine had pumped gallons over the floor. The downstairs neighbour started banging on the door. The kids were squabbling in their bedroom and the cat had been pestering for food after having taken a massive dump on the bathmat whilst I was changing the litter tray. And it was raining. After the initial standing and blinking at my feet, wondering why they felt wet, it was time to do something.

That something was not phoning my ex. It was swearing, opening the door to the neighbour, saying 'I'm sorry, yes I know, it's the washing machine' and dashing back into the kitchen. He followed, helped me turn the watersupply off (as he knew where it was in the flats when I didn't), the kids stopped fighting long enough to look and see what was going on, so they got told to bring the bathtowels as I switched the machine off at the socket.

Once the initial tsunami had stopped, he went home and I cleaned up the flood.

After sitting on the toilet seat for a minute, wondering what on earth I was going to do, I made myself a cup of tea and started looking at what might be wrong with the machine. Turns out it was just the filter/drain pipe had blocked, so I cleared the blockage with a wire coathanger and nervously turned it back on. It drained perfectly. I still have that same machine fifteen years later and it cost me nothing to fix it.

I suspect I had the cleanest kitchen floor in memory by then, I was soaked, tired and had completely forgotten about feeding the cat, who had got one splash on her paws and taken herself off to hide on the top of the wardrobe until it was all over (I knew how she felt), but everything was fixed, other than turning the water supply off for me - I turned it back on - and children bringing towels in and chucking them on the floor in my general direction - I had absolutely no help. (the eldest tells me the remembers seeing me sitting on the floor fixing the machine, which came back to her when at university and the toilet started overflowing from the cistern - her housemates either panicked or ignored it; she fixed it).

That moment, when I pressed the on button and it quietly started to drain as though nothing had happened, was when I realised I was going to be fine.


As you will be.

Pollycat

muddywellies wrote: »

Claiming benefits is a funny one as actually we are quite wealthy. So (quite rightly) I'm not entitled to claim anything. But in terms of actual cash I'm poor - it's tied up in property and other assets so I struggle with the day to day management of finances.

I hate how I feel but I do feel it. It is partly money but I feel so scared and alone in the world when he's not with me. I can't go through my life feeling like that.

Check out one of the benefit-checker websites to see what you are entitled to before dismissing the possibility of being entientitledto benefits

jjj1980

My ex was very abusive, in all the ways yours is being. I was so so scared of him at one point because of the horrible threats he was making. I remember that horrible, sicky feeling like it was yesterday. Always worrying whether I was actually as useless a mother as he was saying.

After it got really bad one day, I went to the Women's Aid drop in at the hospital. They walked me from the meeting to a local solicitor who got straight on with divorce paperwork.


The next day, I went to the local Sure Start centre and told the manager about everything I was having to deal with. Within 30 minutes, a benefit advisor was sat with me putting through claims for Income Support and changing my Tax Credit claim from joint to single. We also checked on how much help I would qualify for with child care costs depending on different wage amounts so I could start looking for work without worrying I was in for a huge shock.


The Sure Start centre called my Health Visitor for me, who turned up soon after with a PCSO in tow. They made sure I had all the relevant emergency contact numbers and put me and my daughter on a special kind of patrol watch, where they make a point of passing the house periodically to check we were safe.


I had always been interested in DIY from being a child so was pretty practical but I looked up workshops at the local B&Q and community centre to learn how to deal with things I was unsure about. I splashed out £7 (!!) on a started DIY kit at B&Q then topped it up weekly with items from Poundland/Wilko. I have now dealt with blockages in the washer, dishwasher, leaky plumbing.


My ex an his family were so spiteful at one point that they called Social Services and told them I was abusing and neglecting my daughter and keeping her malnourished. When they turned up unannounced to check on us, I was really angry at first but then as soon as they saw my house was clean and tidy, my daughter was well-clothed, well cared for, happy and healthy, they tore up the report paperwork in front me. My ex was then called by on by police and was warned about making malicious reports.


It's almost 6 years since I went through it all and occasionally my ex will start with the attitude and temper that used to have me cowering. Now, he gets a stern look from me and a "Cut the attitude" reply!


It's bloody hard at first going it alone, no-one denies that but it does get easier. If you are anything like me, it will happen all of sudden and probably take you by surprise. For me, it was when the CSA first made contact with my ex. He had turned up at my house, screaming and shoving me and had finally got me pinned in the corner, with his forearm against my throat, making threats to burn the house down with me in it. My little girl was only 1 year old and was screaming and crying for me from the other side of the room. Something snapped inside and I told him to get away from me, moved past him to get to my daughter then told him to get out of my house. I think the fact I was so calm actually shocked him! I didn't shout, become physical back or anything. I just didn't find him frightening all of a sudden and realised he had no right to treat me the way he was doing. Also, the fact he thought it was ok to do it in front of a 1 year old just made me pity him.

Pollycat

Oh. WOW! WOW! WOW!
OP - read the post above & think about your life & the lives of your children going forwards.

muddywellies

Thanks but I can't work as childcare costs too much and I'm really not entitled to any benefits (rightly so, I'm not complaining about the welfare state!)

But I can't. I just can't.

BigAunty

It's not about whether 'we may' think you are in an abusive relationship but whether you do. There is a 10 point checklist from Womens Aid to help you identify this - how many correspond?

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?section=00010001002200410001&itemid=1272&itemTitle=What+is+domestic+violence

You have argued that there is a degree of mutual abuse as you have pushed back. Experts in DV disagree about this concept. Some argue it happens - a couple can be in a mutually abusive relationship. Others say that the abuser deliberately provokes their partner in order to justify their subsequent behaviour towards them.

Read the Survivors Handbook

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section=0001000100080001&sectionTitle=The+Survivor%27s+Handbook

muddywellies

I think I do glad and irritate and sometimes I feel like I just get what I deserve.

pinkduvetdiva

OP - you can survive on your own. When something goes wrong, like a previous poster has said, look it up online and find the solution. I remember feeling so proud when I managed to bleed my radiator and repressurised the boiler in my old flat, just using YouTube videos to guide me.
The current situation as it stands, is not healthy for you or your children. Think about them - what are they learning from this? What could they be learning from a mother who has the courage to step away from the situation and go it alone?
I would much rather be without a partner and face tough situations alone than be with someone who deliberately sets obstacles in the way of my progress, somebody who hurts me, someone who belittles me.
I wish you all the best OP, and just hope that one day very soon, you will find the self belief that you need to move forward with your children.

pinkduvetdiva

muddywellies wrote: »

I think I do glad and irritate and sometimes I feel like I just get what I deserve.

I've said this on here before - on the best days, he should treat you like a queen. On the worst days, he should treat you like a princess.