Staying in a marriage you think might be abusive

Mojisola

It can take a long time for the victim in an abusive relationship to make the break.

In the meantime, they will always find a reason not to do anything about the situation.

For the sake of your children, I hope you reach that point sooner rather than later.

London50

Just go back to the first reply then leaving your answers out read everyone of the replies you have had on this, not one has agreed that you should stay, everyone is advising that you get away. Are we all wrong and you are right?/ when you read it in the cold light of day I think you know what the truth will be.
We have all tried to advise what you should do but you choose not to except it and that is your choice, I for one will say no more

Pixie5740

I'm not sure what kind of advice you are looking for here. I don't think you will find a single poster who recommends you stay in an abusive marriage.

Money and the fact that you have no friends or family are not reasons to stay in the marriage.

Should you get divorced then the marital assets will be split. Then you will be able to access some of the money.

You can claim benefits in the meantime and find a job. Tax credits are designed to help single parents work. I know child care is expensive but millions of single parent (and two parent) families make it all work.

I think you need to seek advice from a charity such as Women's Aid who specialise in domestic abuse. Perhaps it would also be worth contacting your GP as your self esteem is shot and councelling could help.

muddywellies

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

Mojisola

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

He's not worth having if he treats you as you describe.

It can be very scary to make massive changes when your abuser has spent years telling you how useless you are - you have to realise that it is only because he is inadequate that he has to keep you under control.

When you leave, you will find that you can manage and have strengths that you never knew about.

Contact Women's Aid and talk to them about how to cope financially when you leave.

muddywellies

I've already spoken to women's aid when I tried to leave before.

It's impossible to put into words how it feels when your children are in bed and you are sat knowing that you're the only thing they have and they are all you have, and it's just not enough.

harrys_nan

muddywellies wrote: »

Don't hate me because I can't leave.

He's all I've got.

He isn't all you have, you have your children and they deserve a better life. If you cannot leave for yourself then leave for your children.

I know it will be very hard to start with, but as time goes by it WILL get easier.

London50

Ok I will break my rule.... No one on here hates you because of the way you feel/are with him, I think we can all understand you feel the way you do and the reasons why you feel you cannot leave. All we can do is advise and I hope be here if you want to/need to talk.
We give advise from people looking at the situation from the outside, you are within the situation and have your own feelings, I hope that what we say is understood but we are not you and can just say what we feel with what you tell us.
I hope things go work for you in the end and do know that there are people online day and night if you need to talk. :0)

muddywellies

Thanks, London. I feel so conflicted. I don't want a fractured family, with my children not living with me for part of the week. I don't want to constantly be struggling, constantly broke, constantly tired and tearful.

I want to feel loved and cherished, and I DO. I get that it's wrong, our relationship - I do see its controlled and dominated by him - but part of me thinks I must be happy with that, which is why I feel confused.

Why am I ok with being treated as I am?

I don't know. I only know that on some level I am. I must be.

pigpen

Stockholm syndrome, or capture-bonding, is a psychological phenomenon in which hostages express empathy and sympathy and have positive feelings toward their captors, sometimes to the point of defending and identifying with the captors.

Your husband is a narcissist at best and a psychopath at worst.

you need to free yourself and your children as best you can.. as someone with experience.. don't be nice.. don't cut him any slack.. get a non-molestation order, residency order, custody and contact orders and to not ever back down.

This might seem too much right at this moment in time but you will find the strength one day and you will get out.. sooner is better than later.. every day he damages you and your children more.. emotional damage has no bruises but it has repercussions through generations of families causing more and more destruction.

your daughters will meet men just like him.. do you want this for them?
Your sons will treat their women just like he treats you.. do you want this for them?

Its hard, I know it, I live with my choices daily and if I can save one child from going through what mine are suffering right now I will.

contact womens aid they can offer advice and help.. regardless of finances they will help.

Life is way too short to spend it being miserable.. way too short!