7 years - no proposal

thriftylass

Hi, sorry couldn't just read and run. I was in your shoes. 8 years we were together, had two kids, bought a house and he knew well I wanted to get married to him, even if it was just down the registry. He never thought it would make a difference, just a signature on paper, the big commitment are our kids etc etc. I was close to giving up on the marriage idea and just be happy as I did love him and knew he was committed, didn't mention it for over a year as I thought I definitely can't ask. He knows where I stand and it has to come from him. And....he finally asked. Totally unexpected, at dinner fell to one knee. And guess what, the one who didn't want to get married then wanted the traditional wedding and I had to reign him in (had a lovely wedding on a budget we both agreed on). Just shows you, it's hard to tell if he just doesn't want to commit or wants to do it in his own time rather than because it's expected or not at all. For years I wasn't sure what he really thought

I felt like you, sth was missing, if it is just a signature on paper why not just do it. If my OH was so committed why not just go one step further. I had the same view, when we were just BF and GF it was easier to walk out etc.

So sorry no real advice but patients paid off for me. And we decided (I accepted) to have another child together despite not being married as it isn't that unusual today

Be patient but in the meantime make sure you are protected in case he walks out someday (are you both on the house deeds etc). Let him know if you don't get married you have to take steps to make sure you both have securities also for the sake of the children. Make a will etc. There are loads of threads here about this.

I'm very glad he asked in the end but I would have understood/accepted it eventually if he really didn't want to get married as I knew for him sharing a house and having kids was the big commitment and I wouldn't have loved him any less

burlington6

Blueskies21 wrote: »

That's the thing - I get the feeling that he DOESNT want to get married although he says he does. To me his actions speak louder than words. If he wants to get married why hasn't he asked me. All of our freinds are having their first and second children after getting married this year or last. He's desperate to be part of that and for us all to have kids the same age but I'm saying that I want to wait until we get married which he feels is silly. I don't know why I don't want to do it without a marriage but I just feel if it doesn't happen now it never will and I do want to marry him.

His excuses are endless to me and now I feel like I'm forcing him. And I don't want that. But I also don't want to feel like I need to force someone to marry me!

And I am waiting on a proposal as that's what he said he wants to do. I did say I would book it before and he said I was being ridiculous and doing everything the wrong way and "ruining it".

This is your problem. Stop trying to keep up with your friends. If you're in love with him, leave it at that, live your life and be happy.

Those friends you think have it all will more than likely be single mums/dads in a few year because they rushed in and got everything they ''thought'' they wanted.

Mojisola

Guest101 wrote: »

They can get married tomorrow (his words) if they don't spend £x,000s and invite X00 people, so really its nothing to do with being married, but rather the wedding itself.

He says he's happy to get married abroad which isn't going to come cheap - could cost a lot more than a small wedding at home.

He won't have a small wedding here because he thinks his friends will think he's cheap.

He doesn't want to be the centre of attention but was quite happy to stand up in front of lots of people and give a best man's speech.

I wonder what he'd say if Blueskies called his bluff and said - OK, let's book somewhere abroad and start sending out invitations.

thriftylass

PasturesNew wrote: »

Weddings are a waste of money - and you get sucked in by the endless marketing machine .... chair covers, favours, posh photographers, hen dos, hair-dos, makeup, special dress, bridesmaids, table centre pieces, HUGELY overpriced/expensive meal .... and more, more, more.

That depends on the couple, we didn't fall for any of that. All low key, hand made, friends favours called in etc etc

Person_one

PasturesNew wrote: »

You seem to be desperately shoving the relationship along and he's just trying to "not be boxed in" by your efforts.

You want to get married. He doesn't want to spend money.

You either have to get married quietly or not get married.

What's really important? Being married to him so you know "you've got him"? Or being a princess for a day and him paying for it for the next 2-3 years?

I'd have a quiet wedding - and if you've got a big family then why not hire a village hall and have a big family party/celebration (not wedding style) after the event. To be honest, the family would probably prefer the cheaper family get-together party, where they can relax/enjoy themselves, -v- having to wear uncomfortable clothes all day, smile a lot for cameras, then eat some meal knowing it's cost an arm and a leg.

Weddings are a waste of money - and you get sucked in by the endless marketing machine .... chair covers, favours, posh photographers, hen dos, hair-dos, makeup, special dress, bridesmaids, table centre pieces, HUGELY overpriced/expensive meal .... and more, more, more.

Problem is, he's said its either a wedding abroad or no wedding, not even a small registry office one. Possibly because he knows the OP doesn't want to marry without her parents, siblings(?) and closest friends there at the very very least, he won't agree to pay to fly them out and she (rightly) won't feel comfortable expecting them to pay for themselves.

Its a great way for him to be able to say he's agreed to get married without actually having to do it.

surveyqueenuk

Guest101 wrote: »

They can get married tomorrow (his words) if they don't spend £x,000s and invite X00 people, so really its nothing to do with being married, but rather the wedding itself.

This is exactly how I'm seeing things too. He's already said he'd marry you tomorrow, he just doesn't want the hassle of a massive wedding.


Although you might have the money now, there's going to be a time in the near future when you go on maternity leave again - therefore you'll likely be on a reduced income. Perhaps he's concerned that the money that a big wedding would cost could be put to better use. Maybe he's worried about being left up s**t creek without a paddle financially once new baby arrives. That's not an unreasonable fear in today's economic climate.

onlyroz

We had a small wedding (about 20 people) followed by a medium-sized reception (about 100 people). The reception was on a riverboat with a buffet and a jazz band - so still a fun party but no stress of speeches, no expectation of "leading the first dance" etc etc.

A wedding can be whatever you want - and doesn't have to involve long dull sit-down dinners and long dull speeches.

dirtycredit

You said he is obsessed with money. Maybe he is worried you will take him to the cleaners if you divorce? Have you suggested marriage with a pre-nup? Might settle his nerves.

Pixie5740

Guest101 wrote: »

They can get married tomorrow (his words) if they don't spend £x,000s and invite X00 people, so really its nothing to do with being married, but rather the wedding itself.

surveyqueenuk wrote: »

This is exactly how I'm seeing things too. He's already said he'd marry you tomorrow, he just doesn't want the hassle of a massive wedding.

So he gets the small wedding abroad and doesn't have to compromise on anything, that doesn't sound fair. He doesn't want to spend a lot on a wedding, fair enough, but he doesn't want a small wedding in the UK because he thinks it will make him look like a scrooge. However, he is happy for their friends and relatives to use a week of annual leave and spend hundreds if not thousands attending a wedding abroad.

Blueskies21

But why should we get a pre nup we met when we were young any money and assets are both ours. We both work hard but he cares more about money than I do. He admits he is controlling with money and needs to save a lot of his money where as I would happily save a comfortable amount. We have had many disagreements about spending our money and he does admit that he is slightly obsessive. What bothers me is that he can splash the cash - but only on something he wants. For instance on his freinds stag do he was splashing outrageously I would say where as the other best man (there were 2 of them) didn't hardly spend a penny.