7 years - no proposal

TBagpuss

Blueskies21 wrote: »

No we don't have wills. I guess we havn't even thought about it until now. I will look into this more.

The thing that bothers me - the only thing really - about a small wedding with no reception afterwards is what exactly do we do after the wedding? Go for a meal but in a wedding dress? Then just go home? I've never been to a small wedding with only a few guests so I just have no idea. Even if we do it abroad which is fine and lovely for when u say your vows but then what? I just picture a big meal and party afterwards - you know your standard wedding? But I just struggle to imagine what would happen if say a couple of us go to a registry office. Then what? Do I just go home do I even buy a dress? I just feel it would be awkward but I guess it's because I just don't know/ can't imagine what would happen.

It's entirely up to you. Sit down,. Talk to your partner about what you would both be comfortable with.

A few things you could think about (these are all based on weddigns I have been to)

- have a very small ceremony - the two of you, your parents and perhaps siblings, followed by a meal at a restaurant. No speeches. Wear what you want.

Either leave it at that, or follow with a party - friends of mine got married on a Friday and had dinner - just 6 of them (the couple and both sets of parents) then on the Saturday they had a receptin which they invitated lots of friends to. It involved a pig roast & salad bar so buffet style food, a visiting ice-cream van or dessert (free ice-cream for all!) . They had lots of little tables set up inside the venue so people could circulate and chat, and as lots of their friends had children they had a venue with outside space and had a bouncy castle, inflatable skittles and giant jenga. The party started mid afternoon and finished with a disco in the evening. there were no formal speeches - the groom very briefly thanked eveyonbe for coming and told us that the food was ready, and that was it. The bride wore a lovely dress - it was white and full length but not a giant mereingue and she had no weil. They tweo of them cirulated so they talked to everyone.
It was really nice, very low key, and eveyone had a great time.

Have a small, informal wedding You can pick a dress, and have a reception after the ceremony, but decide not to have formal speeches, or decide to switch away from tradition - there isn't any reason why the groom has to gie a speech if he oesn't want to - you could agree that you will give one, or that you will just have toasts.
Talk to your partner about what he feels would be a reasonable size for a wedding - is he worried about the costs of just one day, or the numbers, or about public speaking?

DIY if the cost is a factor, you can do a lot yourself. I've been to weddings where the food was done by family members, and involved cold meats, cheese and salad, with pre-made nibbles for a supermarket.
Rent a church hall and do the decor yourself with banquetting roll and party supplies. Again, some of th nicest weddings I;ve been to have been like this - it ends up beaing really small and intimate.

small is beautiful have a wedding in church / registry office of your choice with limited guests then have a meal at a restuarant. A reception doesn't have to include dancing. You can book a resaturant for a group meal just as you would if you were doing a work christmas party.

dress Only you can decide how importnat the dress is to you. You can where what you want whereever, and however, you get married. Friends of mine recently got married. They had a small registry office wedding then the following day had a big BBQ party - it was very casual, lots of kids, no formal sit down meal or speeches.
One of the brides wore a fantastic dress with train, tiara and corsets, the other was in much more casual dress.
When my aunt and uncle got married my aunt wore a nice green linen trouser suit. She was comfortable and looked great. Another tfriend had a fairly big, formal wedding with a traditional church service, and reception with speeches and all the rimmings. She wore a smart but not 'wedding-y' skirt and jacket.
You can wear a wedding dress to a small, informal wedding if that's what you want.

(when m sister got married, she had a church wedding nad then a reception at the village hall. After the reception ended, and we had cleared up in the hall, she and my BIL, and a few of the family went to the pub where they were spending the first night before heding off on their hineymoon. Eveyone except my sister had changed out of their glad rags into dsomething more casual and comfortable, but my sister said that as she would only be wearing the dress once she was going to get he most out of it and stay in it all evening. Which she did. No one turned a hair and no one had any issue with a bride in full floofy dress and veil sitting in the bar all evening. Where what you want, you don't have to conform to anyone else's ideas of what is, or is not, appropriate for the size or scale of your wedding.

But above all, have a serious cht with your parter - only he can tell you whether he is genuinely happy to be married but not keen on a wedding, or whether he doesn't actually want to be married and the excuses are just excuses.

Maybe he is concerned that you want the wedding not the marriage?

Blueskies21

Thank you. I have but I will try again and hopefully we can agree on something.

[Deleted User]

It sounds like you're already living 'like you are married'. He knows marriage will really not change anything in the day to day way of life, and he's probably being quite lazy: he's already got it all, so why spend all that money on a fancy party?

It's not like you're in a position to give him an ultimatum, given that you've already got a child together.

Tricky situation. Are you both saving towards something, that might be causing his financial worries?

Pixie5740

There's no getting away from it. You need to lay your cards on the table and have a conversation with him about the future. You both need to compromise, you've agreed to a smaller wedding and a second child (after the wedding) so what is he willing to compromise on?

Are you prepared to walk away if he won't compromise or will you be content to carry on as his bidey-in with one child?

fairy_lights

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I don't want to ask him. And he wouldn't want that either. I want him to ask me. He knows I would say yes.

But why? Why don't you want to ask him? If you really want to get married then why not take control of the situation yourself.

Tamsin_Temrin

He doesn't want to get married.

If you died tomorrow he would have no right to have a say in the funeral. How does he get on with your family?

If he is worried about building up savings then he may be concerned you would have a claim to them if you were married. Having a second child makes it harder for you to leave him, but no commitment of his savings. It's perfect logic for him.

An alternative angle is to sit him down and say that if you are not getting married then you want the legal equivalents (do not listen to or give out arguments that start 'if you loved me...') You have a child to protect, possibly two. If he dropped dead you would be in a worse position to be the mother of his children rather than his widow and less able to protect those.

How he reacts to that may tell you a lot.

[Deleted User]

fairy_lights wrote: »

But why? Why don't you want to ask him? If you really want to get married then why not take control of the situation yourself.

Because not only does she want to get engaged/married - she wants HIM to want to get engaged/married

But he won't - because 1) he's being pressured towards it 2) he's being lazy since he doesn't need to get married

Noctu

fairy_lights wrote: »

But why? Why don't you want to ask him? If you really want to get married then why not take control of the situation yourself.

Probably because the poor lass knows that he will either say no, or say yes but then continue with the line of, I won't agree to anything other than exactly what I want.

I really can't see it being a wonderful moment...

Tamsin_Temrin

Why should he get married? Hes got someone performing the duties of a wife without his savings being at risk and - bonus - he knows that the child makes it more likely that she will stay. A second child would be even better.

He may wake up, smell the coffee and say that you are worth it. You need to be prepared that he wont

heartbreak_star

Some pals got married a while back - daytime registry office with just them and witnesses, wearing smart clothes. They called this "signing the legal papers", and it was very formal and quiet, almost secret.

Then they had a big informal summer outdoor party for about 200 people on a scout camp with a bar and photographers and barbecues and music and dancing and games, where they said their own vows to each other in front of a friend acting as a celebrant and wore wedding dress and suit. They called that "their wedding", and it's the day they celebrate their anniversary on.

Another pal got married on Saturday. She had a small civil ceremony with close friends and family (~25 people) and then a big evening celebration (~100 people). The entire thing is referred to as "their wedding", and people who attended either or both attended "their wedding".

OP, it's the insistence on going abroad that's the problem in my eyes. What gives? Why is abroad such a necessity?

(And he can't both save money and worry about looking cheap. That's contradictory.)

HBS x