7 years - no proposal

*~Zephyr~*

firebird082 wrote: »

You don't need a proposal to get married...start talking to him about where the compromise will be and what the day will look like, then book it!

If there has been a conversation about getting married and an agreement that they will be getting married at some point in the future then really, they are already engaged.

OP, I suspect that by "engaged" you don't mean that there's an intention to marry, you mean the proposal. You've bought into the hollywood thing and imagined a dream scenario with the 'Perfect Proposal' and being swept off your feet etc etc. Wild romance, hearts, flowers, balloons, etc etc. The whole nine yards. Am I right? And there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, per se. I just don't think you're going to get that from your fella. And does it really matter?

I do think he's giving you lots and lots of excuses for not getting hitched. If it was me, I'd be starting to think he just doesn't want to get married. I think you need a candid, all cards on the table, completely honest discussion. Ask him point-blank to be honest with you. Does he ever really want to get married?

Perhaps he feels like everything is out of control? You got pregnant unexpectedly, nothing was planned, you've just kind of fallen into a life of domesticity. And whilst it may be a lovely life, some people like to feel like they have chosen that life rather than it just happening to them 'by accident'. Point out to him that he could choose to get married and take some control over his life. You are a little team of three. He needs to choose to be on the same team.

onomatopoeia99

Blueskies21 wrote: »

In all honesty I don't really care where it is. I'd just rather it be sooner rather than later but he doesn't seem to want that. He wants to put it off and by that time we will have a 6 year old and maybe 7 by the time he has a sibling and I would just like them to be closer in age.

Suggest the following to him:

Registry office, no guests, two council staff as witnesses. Tell no-one it is happening until after so there's no arguments about who got invited and who didn't, as no-one did.

That way you're married and can get on with everything else. He doesn't have to be the centre of attention and you get the ring on your finger. Everyone else can get stuffed if they think you should have had a big wedding (30 guests is bleeding huge in my book), it's not their lives.

Last of all, a secret. Not everyone thinks marriage is a necessary part of a committed, loving, lifelong relationship. Ask yourself why you want this so badly - I know people that have been together for over 30 years, with adult children together that have never got married. They are happy and committed to each other, why is the fact of marriage (or the Wedding itself) such a big deal?

burnoutbabe

Blueskies21 wrote: »

In all honesty I don't really care where it is. I'd just rather it be sooner rather than later but he doesn't seem to want that. He wants to put it off and by that time we will have a 6 year old and maybe 7 by the time he has a sibling and I would just like them to be closer in age.

but he has said he would do it if abroad and small.

Who would come if it was abroad? would your parents/siblings come or not?

What about having a relaxed afternoon tea style event? so you'd have your 30 people but not a big fancy party and all done and dusted by 6pm. Not sure who would think it "cheap" - just mention you are saving up for a house etc and splash the cash on that./

But his friends probably know he is not a cash splasher anyway and would not expect grand - that's more when its a couple in their late 30s /40s marrying,. or parents paying.

Lunar_Eclipse

I've read more replies.

We had 36 to our wedding and wedding breakfast (lunch.) This was close family and our closest friends (ie of bride & groom, not my parents close friends.) We were amongst the first to get married and we don't have large families in the UK. No-one had any children.

We then invited anyone else (more friends, my parents friends) to an evening party, which ran straight on from the afternoon. We had food, supplied all drinks, entertainment and a DJ, but a pay-for-yourself bar and iPod playlist would be equally acceptable. You could hold this in a village hall, local golf club, private room in a pub etc. Decorations are cheap.

OP: you asked what you should do after the wedding ceremony. If you get married mid afternoon, you could go out for an early dinner, either as newly weds or in a small group, and then have a party after, or just tell all your friends which pub/bar/nightclub you'll be in and to join you. You could invite your closest 1/2/3/4 friends to help you get ready, maybe having lunch or brunch out first. Or you could get married earlier and have a special afternoon tea. There are endless possibilities. A nice hotel overnight obviously too, for lots of champagne and romance.

Noctu

Let's stop dancing round the elephant in the room....

Do you feel that he actually, genuinely wants to commit to you? I've got to be honest and say that it sounds like a load of excuses to me. I can understand not wanting a huge wedding (or a tiny one) but it feels like he's not properly willing to come together and compromise with you.

I'm guessing what you want in this situation is for both of you to sit down, discuss a wedding, and then go that one step further and actually AGREE on something and get it booked. You're clearly willing to do that, why isn't he?

Sorry, I don't want to sound awful but someone who wants another baby with you no conditions attached but is faffing around so much about a wedding and committing on paper to the mother of his child? ... I wouldn't be hanging around for too much longer if he continues to prevaricate, to be honest.

Blueskies21

That's the thing - I get the feeling that he DOESNT want to get married although he says he does. To me his actions speak louder than words. If he wants to get married why hasn't he asked me. All of our freinds are having their first and second children after getting married this year or last. He's desperate to be part of that and for us all to have kids the same age but I'm saying that I want to wait until we get married which he feels is silly. I don't know why I don't want to do it without a marriage but I just feel if it doesn't happen now it never will and I do want to marry him.

His excuses are endless to me and now I feel like I'm forcing him. And I don't want that. But I also don't want to feel like I need to force someone to marry me!

And I am waiting on a proposal as that's what he said he wants to do. I did say I would book it before and he said I was being ridiculous and doing everything the wrong way and "ruining it".

moneyistooshorttomention

Mojisola wrote: »

Compromise. A small wedding doesn't have to be abroad so plan for a local wedding but restrict the numbers.

I see the logic of that - but a lot of people are likely to get offended at not being asked to a wedding they are perfectly capable of attending (ie because its being held nearby).

Hence - have that small wedding - but make it abroad and combined with a holiday in that place. That way - a lot of people wouldn't be able to make it anyway and so would be much less likely to be offended.

Failing that - make it a REALLY small wedding, ie just a registry office and with literally only the 2 people necessary as witnesses and, possibly, do a Big Wedding in a couple of years time. It helps if the two witnesses are best mate and his girlfriend/wife. That's what happened some years back - when a boyfriends mate got married and didn't want any fuss. He asked my boyfriend and I to come as the necessary witnesses to his marriage to his live-in partner. So - they did it in a registry office at a weekday lunchtime and my boyfriend and I just nipped out of our respective jobs for a long lunchbreak. No-one could have got offended at missing a brief lunchtime ceremony with no "social" afterwards - but it was Job Done and they could have had the Big Day thing years later if they wished to.

Personally - in those circumstances - I'd just casually get out my diary and say I was working out my social life for the next few weeks and, equally casually, say "We could just fit in that type of registry office on Monday, x of January, couldn't we? Just us two and your bestie mate and partner. We haven't got anything on that day - so we could fit it in. It will only cost £x and we could just have a drink down the pub afterwards perhaps".

LABMAN

Blueskies21 wrote: »

That's the thing - I get the feeling that he DOESNT want to get married although he says he does. To me his actions speak louder than words. If he wants to get married why hasn't he asked me. All of our freinds are having their first and second children after getting married this year or last. He's desperate to be part of that and for us all to have kids the same age but I'm saying that I want to wait until we get married which he feels is silly. I don't know why I don't want to do it without a marriage but I just feel if it doesn't happen now it never will and I do want to marry him.

His excuses are endless to me and now I feel like I'm forcing him. And I don't want that. But I also don't want to feel like I need to force someone to marry me!

And I am waiting on a proposal as that's what he said he wants to do. I did say I would book it before and he said I was being ridiculous and doing everything the wrong way and "ruining it".

If you want to get married why haven't YOU proposed to him?

Blueskies21

I don't want to ask him. And he wouldn't want that either. I want him to ask me. He knows I would say yes.

jackieblack

Blueskies21 wrote: »

That's the thing - I get the feeling that he DOESNT want to get married although he says he does. To me his actions speak louder than words. If he wants to get married why hasn't he asked me. All of our freinds are having their first and second children after getting married this year or last. He's desperate to be part of that and for us all to have kids the same age but I'm saying that I want to wait until we get married which he feels is silly. I don't know why I don't want to do it without a marriage but I just feel if it doesn't happen now it never will and I do want to marry him.

His excuses are endless to me and now I feel like I'm forcing him. And I don't want that. But I also don't want to feel like I need to force someone to marry me!

And I am waiting on a proposal as that's what he said he wants to do. I did say I would book it before and he said I was being ridiculous and doing everything the wrong way and "ruining it".

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I don't want to ask him. And he wouldn't want that either. I want him to ask me. He knows I would say yes.

What you really need is to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about this. All cards on the table.


It's all very well getting the opinions from a load of strangers on a website but, ultimately, the two of you are going to HAVE to agree on this.
Or not.


I hope it works out for you