7 years - no proposal

fairy_lights

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Why should he get married? Hes got someone performing the duties of a wife without his savings being at risk and - bonus - he knows that the child makes it more likely that she will stay. A second child would be even better.

He may wake up, smell the coffee and say that you are worth it. You need to be prepared that he wont

'The duties of a wife'? What does that mean??
Just because he doesn't want to get married doesn't mean he doesn't think OP is worth it - some people just don't want to get married but are still committed to the relationship.

Person_one

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I want to be married because I guess I'm traditional in that way. We had my son but it wasn't planned. Nothing we have done seems to be because we set out to do it because we are so committed to each other - it just happens. I would like for him to say actually you are the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because we both want to. I don't have any real security as just boyfriend and girlfriend and a marriage to me means forever. We will work through everything. Boyfriend and girlfriend just seems so easy to walk away from when it gets tough.

I can completely understand this. Marriage would be his way if saying "I choose you, consciously, it is my decision that I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Despite the baby and the living together, he hasn't actually done that yet.

I also understand the desire to have a wedding with your family present, if you love them its natural to want to have a big happy family wedding, but this might have to be the point of compromise. Your point about him happily being near the centre of attention as best man suggests to me that's not the real reason he's opposed. Its either money, or he doesn't actually want to make the commitment to you at all.

Its a tough position for you, but I think you're absolutely right not to have any more children until this is resolved and you know which of those two reasons is the real one.

Person_one

fairy_lights wrote: »

But why? Why don't you want to ask him? If you really want to get married then why not take control of the situation yourself.

He knows full well she wants to get married, her 'asking him' would be a bit daft surely?

System

Tamsin_Temrin wrote: »

Why should he get married? Hes got someone performing the duties of a wife without his savings being at risk and - bonus - he knows that the child makes it more likely that she will stay. A second child would be even better.

Thank you. Its something the OP needs but not necessarily something he needs.

burlington6

It sounds like the idea of getting married means more to the OP than actually being with the man

BucksLady

I'm afraid I wouldn't want to marry someone who didn't want to marry me as much.

Guest101

I don't understand the big deal.


What if HE wanted to move abroad, but she really didn't.


Or HE really wanted a new <insert whatever> but she didn't.


Basically the choice is - he's not going to propose - do you stay or go?

*~Zephyr~*

Guest101 wrote: »

Basically the choice is - he's not going to propose - do you stay or go?

It's never as simple as that when you love someone. Especially not when you have a child together.

You can argue that it's unfair on him for her to pressure into getting married if he doesn't want to, but the flipside is that it's not fair on her if this is something really, really important to her.

It's a difficult situation. But ultimately, if they are living together as if they are married, I don't really see why he wouldn't.

That being said, me and my OH have been together for 12 years and we aren't married and have no intention to!

PasturesNew

You seem to be desperately shoving the relationship along and he's just trying to "not be boxed in" by your efforts.

You want to get married. He doesn't want to spend money.

You either have to get married quietly or not get married.

What's really important? Being married to him so you know "you've got him"? Or being a princess for a day and him paying for it for the next 2-3 years?

I'd have a quiet wedding - and if you've got a big family then why not hire a village hall and have a big family party/celebration (not wedding style) after the event. To be honest, the family would probably prefer the cheaper family get-together party, where they can relax/enjoy themselves, -v- having to wear uncomfortable clothes all day, smile a lot for cameras, then eat some meal knowing it's cost an arm and a leg.

Weddings are a waste of money - and you get sucked in by the endless marketing machine .... chair covers, favours, posh photographers, hen dos, hair-dos, makeup, special dress, bridesmaids, table centre pieces, HUGELY overpriced/expensive meal .... and more, more, more.

Guest101

*~Zephyr~* wrote: »

It's never as simple as that when you love someone. Especially not when you have a child together.

You can argue that it's unfair on him for her to pressure into getting married if he doesn't want to, but the flipside is that it's not fair on her if this is something really, really important to her.

It's a difficult situation. But ultimately, if they are living together as if they are married, I don't really see why he wouldn't.

That being said, me and my OH have been together for 12 years and we aren't married and have no intention to!

Like I said. She wants something to change, which means the ball is in her court.


If he doesn't oblige (which he's entitled to do so), she either accepts it or she leaves.


As far as practicalities go that's it.


I agree there's numerous factors at play here.


Many people don't want to get married for many reasons. In this case it's not even the marriage but the ceremony he doesn't want. Which is fair enough.


They can get married tomorrow (his words) if they don't spend £x,000s and invite X00 people, so really its nothing to do with being married, but rather the wedding itself.