7 years - no proposal

Blueskies21

I'll begin by giving some background and would really appreciate some perspectives. My partner and I have been together for 7 years (I'm 25 and he is 27 so we started seeing each other when we were relatively Young). We have a son together who is 4 years old. We love each other and have a nice family life. I have been wanting to get married seriously for the last year and we have spoken about it several times.

He at first said he wasn't ready to get married (about one year ago). I wasn't happy with this and questioned why as we are already practically married.

Then he said it's because he dreads the thought of a big day and being the centre of attention - he said he would propose if I agreed to get married abroad with only a few family members. I did agree but then thought I would like the big day so I told him this - I have a big family and would like them to be there. We both earn a decent amount therefore can afford a nice day and I'll look back on this day forever - I want it to be the happiest day of my life - as cliche as that sounds.

Anyway I was under the impression that we were going to get engaged and pretty soon so I left the conversation and thought we could agree when and where we were getting married after the proposal.

He was a best man at his friends wedding last month and he had to do the speech etc. And he was fine. It hurt me that apparently this is the reason he won't propose as he can't bear to be the centre of attention and to do a speech but he could do it for his friend.

Also he is, in my opinion, obsessed with money. He loves to save and I think one of the reasons he doesn't want to get married is because we would be spending money. We have enough savings that we could Get married next year and still have comfortable savings but he said there is no way we can do this and he will only get married in a couple of years and pay for the wedding by "working lots" so we don't need to use any of the money we have previously worked loads to save. He works loads and I was looking forward to more of a work life balance but that'll probably get worse if we now need to save all over again for a wedding.

Anyway I'm waffling. The reason im posting now is that it's really came to a head. All of our friends and engaged or married and we have been together longer. Not that that bothers me too much but it makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

As I was under the impression we were going to get engaged soon and we both agreed we would like to have another child soon so my son has a sibling as close in age as possible - we fell pregnant in September this year. When I was pregnant I asked if we would still get engaged and he then said no not now we are having a baby as there's too much going on - maybe after the baby was born.

Anyway I was so upset and disappointed. I felt like I had been tricked by him. The pregnancy ended in miscarriage and although I was devastated I was glad that I knew where I stood with him.

I'm now in the dilemma that I'm desperate for another baby and to have a sibling for my son. My partner wants us to try again for a baby but I'm now sure I won't do it until I'm married as I was lead to believe he was going to propose and then he said no when I was in a vulnerable position and pregnant with our second child.

I want to get engaged and married as soon as possible now. I am deperate to complete our family and I don't want to until I am married. He doesn't agree and wants a second child first and has said he will promise so marry me - we can even book a date but only for 2 years time as he needs to "mentally prepare to have the big day and be the centre of attention as it makes him uncomfortable".

So now we are in the position where we both want a baby but I want to be married first but he will only agree to marry in 2 years and I don't want to wait that long for a baby.

What would you do in my position? Get engagrd have a baby and plan marriage for 2 years? Or hold off on baby until marriage for 2 years? Or compromise and have small wedding sooner but abroad so most of my family and friends can't make it?

Sorry for waffling

*~Zephyr~*

Do you want to be married? Or do you want a wedding? You can both take a trip to the registry office and do the legal bit for a couple of hundred quid. No spotlight, no fuss. You could do this and then just have a big party for the family in two years time.

KRB2725

I would have a tiny registry office wedding & baby and then have your 'big' wedding in the future if it is still important to you.

I wanted a tiny wedding - just the two of us plus witnesses but my husband wanted a bigger affair. Our compromise was a midweek with just family and very close friends but with no evening reception.

It was a lovely, albeit expensive day, but I would have been just as happy to have done it my way - all I wanted was to be married.

My OH didn't propose either. I sat him down, told him I needed to get married, he said OK and we did it four months later! Who says romance is dead!

Mojisola

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I want to get engaged and married as soon as possible now. I am deperate to complete our family and I don't want to until I am married.

He doesn't agree and wants a second child first and has said he will promise so marry me - we can even book a date but only for 2 years time as he needs to "mentally prepare to have the big day and be the centre of attention as it makes him uncomfortable".

So now we are in the position where we both want a baby but I want to be married first but he will only agree to marry in 2 years and I don't want to wait that long for a baby.

What would you do in my position? Get engagrd have a baby and plan marriage for 2 years? Or hold off on baby until marriage for 2 years? Or compromise and have small wedding sooner but abroad so most of my family and friends can't make it?

Compromise. A small wedding doesn't have to be abroad so plan for a local wedding but restrict the numbers.

ricardinho88

You can get engaged and not get married immediately you know. Me and the Mrs have been engaged for 4 years and marriage simply isn't on the horizon at the moment.

Also, why does marriage even matter so much? You live together, you have a child together and you said yourself that you're 'basically married'.

Blueskies21

I want both. I want to be married but I want the wedding too. As cliche as it sounds I have known what dress and venue I want for a long time and it's something I want to look back on. We can both afford it and I think well why not. I just think it's disappointing to have the registry office then a party in two years. It would feel silly to me. Like come to our wedding reception but we've been married for two years. I would compromise by going abroad and doing it which he would rather do but still it's not what I had imagined. But I am getting to the point where I do care less about the big day and more about just being married. So although I would do it I wouldn't be completely happy but I probably would do it.

jackieblack

*~Zephyr~* wrote: »

Do you want to be married? Or do you want a wedding?

My thoughts exactly.


Why is your (OP) desire for a big wedding more important than your OH's desire for a small one?

System

Then he said it's because he dreads the thought of a big day and being the centre of attention - he said he would propose if I agreed to get married abroad with only a few family members.
I did agree but then thought I would like the big day so I told him this - I have a big family and would like them to be there.

You both need to compromise enough to make it workable.

Blueskies21

I want to be married because I guess I'm traditional in that way. We had my son but it wasn't planned. Nothing we have done seems to be because we set out to do it because we are so committed to each other - it just happens. I would like for him to say actually you are the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with because we both want to. I don't have any real security as just boyfriend and girlfriend and a marriage to me means forever. We will work through everything. Boyfriend and girlfriend just seems so easy to walk away from when it gets tough.

jackieblack

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I want both. I want to be married but I want the wedding too. As cliche as it sounds I have known what dress and venue I want for a long time and it's something I want to look back on. We can both afford it and I think well why not.

Because your OH has told you that he would HATE this? You do know that it's not all about what you want (or at least it shouldn't be)

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I just think it's disappointing to have the registry office then a party in two years. It would feel silly to me. Like come to our wedding reception but we've been married for two years.

I agree, this would be silly

Blueskies21 wrote: »

I would compromise by going abroad and doing it which he would rather do but still it's not what I had imagined. But I am getting to the point where I do care less about the big day and more about just being married. So although I would do it I wouldn't be completely happy but I probably would do it.

That's life, full of disappointment and all about compromise...


You need to have a proper talk with your OH about this, you want 'white', he wants 'black', you need to find some 'grey' that you will both be happy with

Guest101

You do know you can propose to him right?....