7 years - no proposal

tara747

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I have never understood why, if you love someone and especially if you have children, you wouldn't marry them. It would seem to me as though you were hedging your bets and waiting for a better offer.

This.

........

Pollycat

Blueskies21 wrote: »

Yeah you are all right about the marriage and another baby and in a way I feel like I would be doing it out of principle rather than what I actually want to do.

I just feel like there was a kind of stigma attached to me giving birth at 20 with my boyfriend and I would just like to have my husband and what I feel like a proper family than a boyfriend. I know that may seem silly but it's just something I wish would have changed by the time I was having my second one.
Day to day it doesn't bother me then one day I'll just want it more than anything and it'll bother me so much - like why hasn't he done it yet! Why is he happy to just be my boyfriend. Then suddenly I'll get over it and we'll be fine.

Maybe he doesn't see himself as your 'boyfriend'.

Maybe he sees himself as the Dad of your child or your partner.

To me, 'boyfriend' is a term when you're going out with someone that you don't live with, don't have children with, don't share bills, cooking, chores, finances with.

his_missus

Blueskies, I've only read the first and last pages of this thread but I think if I were in your situation I would explain to your partner that being married before having another child is important and suggest a small wedding/registry do if that is all he is comfortable with at the moment (for whatever reason that may be).
If a big ceremony/reception is also important to you, you could always renew your vows a few years down the line and have all the pomp and circumstance then.

lulu_92

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe he doesn't see himself as your 'boyfriend'.

Maybe he sees himself as the Dad of your child or your partner.

To me, 'boyfriend' is a term when you're going out with someone that you don't live with, don't have children with, don't share bills, cooking, chores, finances with.

I call my boyfriend so because I don't really like the term partner. There's nothing wrong with it, I just always associated it with older couples (like my Dad and his girlfriend call each other partner) and I'm 23. I'm pretty sure my OH will just be called Daddy from April onwards!

Pollycat

lulu_92 wrote: »

I call my boyfriend so because I don't really like the term partner. There's nothing wrong with it, I just always associated it with older couples (like my Dad and his girlfriend call each other partner) and I'm 23. I'm pretty sure my OH will just be called Daddy from April onwards!

My comments were really aimed at the OP who clearly is not happy with the term 'boyfriend' for the person she shares her life with.

You're obviously happy with using 'boyfriend' for the guy you live with and that's great.

It's really just a word.
What should be important is the relationship between 2 people.

dirty_magic

lulu_92 wrote: »

Having children before marriage wasn't a dealbreaker for me...I'm 13 weeks with twins and we've been together for four years. I would like us to get married but it was more important to me that we start a family before it's too late.

I understand why you would like to get married before having another, but surely if you've had one without being married, having another wouldn't be a big deal?

A wedding can wait, fertility can't, and the age gap between your kids will get bigger. You have to think about the big picture and what you want more, two kids close in age, or a wedding you can have whenever?

Congratulations on the twins! I have twin nephews, it's lovely to watch them giggle with each other!

seven-day-weekend

Pollycat wrote: »

Maybe he doesn't see himself as your 'boyfriend'.

Maybe he sees himself as the Dad of your child or your partner.

To me, 'boyfriend' is a term when you're going out with someone that you don't live with, don't have children with, don't share bills, cooking, chores, finances with.

My son and his girlfriend have been together eight years, living together for most of it, and refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

'Partner' sounds like a business relationship, and they are not husband and wife. So what else can they call each other?

Pollycat

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

My son and his girlfriend have been together eight years, living together for most of it, and refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend.

'Partner' sounds like a business relationship, and they are not husband and wife. So what else can they call each other?

They can call each other whatever they both feel comfortable with.
As I said in my post after the one you quoted:

Pollycat wrote: »

It's really just a word.
What should be important is the relationship between 2 people.

Imho, it doesn't matter who calls who what.

It's the OP who doesn't appear to like the term 'boyfriend'.
It's the OP who feels there's a stigma attached to having a baby with a boyfriend (as opposed to with a husband) and it's the OP who feels she doesn't have a proper family because she only has a boyfriend, not a husband and it's the OP who is questioning why the man she lives with is content to be her boyfriend rather than her husband.

As I said in a previous post - it's just a word.
Lulu92 and your son and his girlfriend are obviously happy with the terms they use for each other.
No so for the OP.

onomatopoeia99

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

People have different ways of doing things, but I have never understood why, if you love someone and especially if you have children, you wouldn't marry them. It would seem to me as though you were hedging your bets and waiting for a better offer.

Given that divorce is relatively straightforward I don't see how not getting married is hedging one's bets.

I also don't understand the thinking which says that if one is in a long term monogamous relationship, one must necessarily want to get married. Why?

Lily-Rose_3

onomatopoeia99 wrote: »

Given that divorce is relatively straightforward I don't see how not getting married is hedging one's bets.

I also don't understand the thinking which says that if one is in a long term monogamous relationship, one must necessarily want to get married. Why?

You really think divorce is THAT easy and straightforward? Certainly not for the people *I* have known who have been through it.

Leaving a relationship when you are not married is MUCH easier than when you are married. I can't believe anyone thinks it's just as easy to leave if you're married, as it is if you're not.

I 100% agree with SDW (and a few others on here.) If a man would not marry me, I would want to know why, and I would think it's because I am not worthy to be his wife, and he wants a quick way out, if something better comes along.

Also, as for women who have children with men who won't marry them. What does that say to their children? It says to me, that their father doesn't think that their mother is good enough to marry.