7 years - no proposal

gayleygoo

OP, I think you and I are in a similar position! I have been with OH for 11 years, and when we started going out we both said we didn't want want to get married. As all our friends started getting engaged and married, I changed my mind and for the past 5 years it's something I've wanted, but OH still doesn't.

I got pregnant 9 years ago, it was an accident, although more as a result of carelessness when taking my pill. I'd miss one or two and think "it'll never happen to me", we certainly weren't planning a baby when we were that young (20). We've had two more children since, and OH considers us "already married" so there's no point apparently.

Children mean we are very committed to each other. Marriages can always be ended, so I don't see marriage as any more of a commitment - if we have problems, we'll try to work them out, rather than giving up on our family life. OH doesn't want to get married mostly because he sees it as a religious thing and unnecessary, but also because he hates the thought of an actual wedding.

I have a feeling that if I presented him with the necessary paperwork and booked the registry office and only us went, he'd probably turn up But I see marriage as a celebration of love, our family and our happiness that in these short human lives, we have each other. So I'd like the "celebration" too, nothing too big or expensive of course. I'd like to properly call him my husband, rather than my boyfriend or partner. I want him to want to call me his wife too. In a way I find it a bit hurtful that he doesn't want to marry me, when so many of our friends have had that pleasure, even though I know he loves me. I just wish he'd be a bit more romantic I suppose!

I realise my desire to have a wedding is a bit selfish. But I see him as being a bit selfish in that him not wanting to do it means I miss out on something I've often dreamed of. So it's hard to compromise.

Regarding terminating unplanned pregnancies, I very much disagree with ending a pregnancy simply because it was unplanned. It would never cross my mind as something I'd do, and OH certainly wouldn't want me to have an abortion either. I know we'd always regret it if we did. We're happy with our three children and don't intend to have any more, but if it happens then it happens Here in Northern Ireland, abortion is still illegal except in extreme life-threatening to the mother circumstances. Illegal abortion is still punishable by up to life in prison, so it's not really an option unless you have the money and means to travel to England and pay privately.

Anyway OP (sorry the thread seems to have taken an abortion-debate twist), I would say please don't hold out on having another baby, if it's what you both want. What if it took 5 or more years for him to agree to marrying you, do you really want to put it off that long? I had hoped to get married before having our third baby, but could see that it wasn't going to happen and didn't want the child gap to be any larger!

I have given up hope of a romantic proposal, and when I asked him if we could get married, the answer was a rather anxious "please can we not?". If I want to get married at all I will just have to start planning the wedding and send an invite to OH and hope he turns up

Gloomendoom

Mojisola wrote: »

This ^

There are no rules about weddings - despite what the magazines and other people may tell you!

You can plan your wedding to be the day you want - if that means no top table, no speeches, no first dance and so on, that's your choice.

Exactly. We did speeches, although my best man had a stand-in (female) as he didn't feel comfortable doing a speech, but there was no top table, no first dance, no morning suits, no distinction between day and evening guests etc.

mai_taylor

I got married in August, we had a big (ish) expensive (ish) wedding and I wouldn't change a thing, we both loved it, had the best day ever and would do it all again. It was worth every penny and we will have those memories for ever.

To me getting married is the ultimate show of love and commitment and to show the intention to stay together for life. It doesn't always work out that way but of course you want to know that he feels that way about you.

I've been to lots of different weddings with different budgets and had a great time at all of them. If your other half doesn't want to spend too much then come up with a budget that you are both happy with. If he wants to get married abroad then do that and invite your close family then have the meal and start your honeymoon. Plan a party for when you get back to celebrate with everyone else. (Your other half might not want to do this part but he has to compromise as well.)

If he really wanted to marry you then there's ways round all his objections. If he hasn't proposed then he doesn't want to get married, not now and not in two years time. He needs to decide what's important to him and stop stringing you along.

pigpen

My cousin has been engaged for 20 years, another cousin was engaged for 17..

My mr and I have been together nearly 7 years and I don't think he would marry me if we were together 100.. It does make me sad and like I am not good enough.. Especially as I don't have a reason why!!

You can propose to him, you can have a small wedding abroad or at home.. And a big family party when you get home with no speeches or stuff..

Personally I'd just trot to the registry office just the 2 of us, borrow a couple of witnesses and not have to worry that my oldest delinquent child would get everything if I died and leave OH and our children homeless ..

Sort out what you want first.. Then give him options but listen and be prepared to compromise .. After all, that's what marriage is about too!

kazzamoran

LABMAN wrote: »

If you want to get married why haven't YOU proposed to him?

If someone doesn't want to get married why would you propose to them?!

kazzamoran

"who would do anything for me". Except get married! I think you both need to sit down and talk honestly and lengthily.

Pollycat

pigpen wrote: »

My cousin has been engaged for 20 years, another cousin was engaged for 17..

My mr and I have been together nearly 7 years and I don't think he would marry me if we were together 100.. It does make me sad and like I am not good enough.. Especially as I don't have a reason why!!

You can propose to him, you can have a small wedding abroad or at home.. And a big family party when you get home with no speeches or stuff..

Personally I'd just trot to the registry office just the 2 of us, borrow a couple of witnesses and not have to worry that my oldest delinquent child would get everything if I died and leave OH and our children homeless ..

Sort out what you want first.. Then give him options but listen and be prepared to compromise .. After all, that's what marriage is about too!

If I wanted to be married - as it sounds like you do - I would at least expect my partner to explain the reasons why he doesn't want to get married.
Not giving a reason or explanation at all would simply not be good enough.

seven-day-weekend

I have been married for 44 years. We got married four months after meeting on a blind date and never considered doing it differently.

Our son has been with his partner over eight years and there is no talk of marriage and he at least doesn't see the point (although I think she might want to). I think he would get married if they wanted children. I personally think they should marry although of course I have not said this.

Some friends of ours have just got married after thirty years of living together, with children and grandchildren. Apparently he has asked her to marry him every year they have been together. All of a sudden she said 'yes'.

People have different ways of doing things, but I have never understood why, if you love someone and especially if you have children, you wouldn't marry them. It would seem to me as though you were hedging your bets and waiting for a better offer.

(Although I know it wasn't that in my friends' case, it was more like, if it ain't broke don't fix it).

All sorts of reasons I expect, why someone doesn't want to marry, but I would at least want to know why.

lulu_92

Having children before marriage wasn't a dealbreaker for me...I'm 13 weeks with twins and we've been together for four years. I would like us to get married but it was more important to me that we start a family before it's too late.

I understand why you would like to get married before having another, but surely if you've had one without being married, having another wouldn't be a big deal?

A wedding can wait, fertility can't, and the age gap between your kids will get bigger. You have to think about the big picture and what you want more, two kids close in age, or a wedding you can have whenever?

Blueskies21

Yeah you are all right about the marriage and another baby and in a way I feel like I would be doing it out of principle rather than what I actually want to do.

I just feel like there was a kind of stigma attached to me giving birth at 20 with my boyfriend and I would just like to have my husband and what I feel like a proper family than a boyfriend. I know that may seem silly but it's just something I wish would have changed by the time I was having my second one.
Day to day it doesn't bother me then one day I'll just want it more than anything and it'll bother me so much - like why hasn't he done it yet! Why is he happy to just be my boyfriend. Then suddenly I'll get over it and we'll be fine.