Stuck in a quandry and dont know what to do

pelirocco

trolleyrun wrote: »

I get the feeling the OP doesn't want to entertain any suggestions made. Everything is waves away, although I haven't read any reply to my suggestion of befriending her children's friends' parents. Perhaps dad would be better at doing this as he's the househusband? Does he pick the children up from school? Does he talk with any of the parents by the gates? Now might be a good time to start, but I'm sure we'll hear another excuse why this isn't possible...

They are hardly excuses , you dont just start chatting to people at the school gate and then a few weeks down the line say by the way if i go into labour in the middle of the night can you pop round and look after the kids until I get back. Now matter how good a friend you have its not always going to be easy for them to step in , other people have their own needs to see to .

FireWyrm

Please dont get me wrong. To everyone who has replied I have been considering your advice very carefully. Yes, I'm concerned, very much so. The support I thought was there simply isnt this time and it was a body blow. I'm a very independent person but this is the one time in a womans life where she would be nuts to go it alone unless absolutely pushed to it. I would dearly like my husband there with me since my shyness and lack of support make the alternative terrifying (and given the memories of number 1). The only way he can do that is with a home birth which even I acknowledge is a risk given my past experience. He is not enamored of the idea but after a long chat last night, he seemed better informed having gone and done some research himself. He knows I wont have a c-section unless it is medically necessary given what happened last time. We have something approaching a plan we think will work. I will try for a home birth but only so long as the midwife thinks it is OK. If we need to transfer to hospital, we will take all three kids in the car and he will follow along behind. Chances are, whatever caused the transfer will be over quickly and he can come back home with the kids later.

If we need to run for the hospital suddenly, he has a friend across the way he is going to speak to and ask to sit with the kids.

Kynthia

Hi OP, congratulations on your pregnancy.

I'm sorry you don't have much of a support network and I hope that's something you can work towards in the future. I'd also recomend asking for a collecting your Matb1 ASAP as claiming Maternity Allowance will put your mind at rest about that.

Do some research on home births and see if it's medically advisable for you. If you're wanting to do it for yourself and not just as a childcare solution then great and if it's okay there is information that could make your husband feel better about it.

The NCT is a charity and I wonder whether they could help you. I'd really suggest asking the local reps as usually people are keen to help others. Also your local midwives may know of local support due to others being in similar situations. Plus I wouldn't rule out a local church as even though you are atheist most of them are wanting to help those in the local community and aren't concerned with your religion. A friend of mine is part of a local CoE church and I know they all made meals for a family where the mum had major surgery.

I hope you find a solution you can work with as it must be horrible worrying about this.

System

Down to the problems you had with your previous pregnancies i wouldnt even contemplate a home birth. The health of yourself and your baby must come first and things can change in an instant.

Due to your lack of supporting network i can only see one way forward. When you go into labour go into hospital on your own. Call the ambulance and go by yourself.

Its not ideal i know but theres not really a fat lot he can do when your doing the work and you have children at home that need someone looking after them.

Incidently i do know what i'm talking about. I had my very first child on my own and because i was on my own, the midwife never left me.

Mrshaworth2b

I think you have had lots of good advice on here, much of which has been shot down but I'll give it a go anway.

1. You could go into labour while 2 of your children are at school? Then there would only be number 3 to sort, at mils
2. I appreciate you don't want to be on your own for 2 hours of your labour but if mil is the only person you have to help then do you really have a choice?
3. Perhaps look for wrap around childcare for your school age children so then if you do go into labour during the day or over night, your children can be looked after before or after school, your husband will not be able to stay with you because he will have to collect them but at least he could be there for important part of birth
4. Put an ad on job sites for a babysitter (I've seen this done a lot) you have time now to get to know someone enough before labour and if you find the right person they may even be on call for you.
5. Put up with the fines from school?
6. Pay for a doula or a birth companion
7. Speak to your children's school? You just never know where help will come from

LannieDuck

I think you're just going to have to make the best of an imperfect situation.

You go into labour, hubby puts you and the kids into the car, drives you all to the hospital where he drops you off to labour with the midwives while he takes the kids to his parents'. Hopefully he'll be back before the baby arrives, but if not you're in a safe, supportive place.

Edit: Oops, just noticed you've already decided what you're going to do. I'll leave this post here anyway in case it's helpful.

Kynthia

LannieDuck wrote: »

I think you're just going to have to make the best of an imperfect situation.

You go into labour, hubby puts you and the kids into the car, drives you all to the hospital where he drops you off to labour with the midwives while he takes the kids to his parents'. Hopefully he'll be back before the baby arrives, but if not you're in a safe, supportive place.

Edit: Oops, just noticed you've already decided what you're going to do. I'll leave this post here anyway in case it's helpful.

That's not a bad idea. Better than bring home along while in labour during the transfer to MIL.

carefullycautious

I really feel for you as all our answers are probably confusing you more.


I bet if you could pick your children up yourself from the school gates and get chatting to one of the other mothers they would know of a local babysitter or someone who could help out.


Have you thought about joining your local mums net. I just know there is someone out there who would help you. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.

clairec79

A trainee doula (doula UK will have a list of those local to you) will often attend the birth for little or no cost (they have to attend a certain number of births to 'qualify' and doula UK also do an access fund for those who want a doula but can't afford it)

That may be an option for you so you have someone with you when your husband can't be there (thats for either place of birth) - either throughout the birth completely or just while he takes and drops kids off int he early stages and then have both.

Would your inlaws be prepared to come and pick kids up if needed? - most neighbours would be quite willing to babysit at no notice until the grandparents arrive if the woman is in labour (and it's not really no notice if you've warned them in advance)

hardpressed

As you live in a village could you or your husband ask if there is anyone in the village who babysits? I'm a granny and have babysat for several families in the village, I would be quite happy to be on standby for circumstances such as yours. You've got a few months to get to know someone and introduce them to your younger child.