Stuck in a quandry and dont know what to do

kazwookie

Why not contact your local day nursery and see if any of the staff who are trained, will sleep over (sofa) if it comes to it, yes it might cost, but to don't have a lot of options and you keep saying no to any other suggestions put to you.

Good luck with what ever you sort out.

trolleyrun

I get the feeling the OP doesn't want to entertain any suggestions made. Everything is waves away, although I haven't read any reply to my suggestion of befriending her children's friends' parents. Perhaps dad would be better at doing this as he's the househusband? Does he pick the children up from school? Does he talk with any of the parents by the gates? Now might be a good time to start, but I'm sure we'll hear another excuse why this isn't possible...

barbiedoll

Firstly: your MATB1....you may not have to wait until your next appointment for this. Contact the clinic where you see your midwife (on a day when the midwives are there) and ask if you can pick one up. As long as you are more than 20 weeks along, they should be happy to fill it in and sign it for you if you bring your pregnancy notes along. Do ask for a photocopy (front and back), or scan/copy it yourself at home, as these forms do have a habit of getting "lost", either in HR departments or at the government end.

I can't add anything about your birth that hasn't already been said. If it were me though, I'd think about going it alone. I don't know about you, but once I was in the "zone", I wouldn't have noticed a naked brass band in the room with me! (much as it was lovely to have my family there.)
You shouldn't be left alone in labour if you have no-one with you and many hospitals have HCA's working in their birth centres, they won't be able to deliver your baby but they will be able to hold your hand/rub your back/listen to your swearing without batting an eyelid, etc etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

FireWyrm

barbiedoll wrote: »

You shouldn't be left alone in labour if you have no-one with you and many hospitals have HCA's working in their birth centres, they won't be able to deliver your baby but they will be able to hold your hand/rub your back/listen to your swearing without batting an eyelid, etc etc.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

That is very much what I am afraid of. I understand that midwives are busy but being left for hours all alone in a room in that state is just terrifying. When I had my first, my husband had to go get the midwife from the front desk where she was having a gossip with the others. She was huffy as hell when she came into the room and then made me fight the delivery for the next 10 minutes while she swanned around getting the tray or something because they weren't ready. I dropped pints of blood on the floor because I couldn't wait any more and just delivered the baby with full force. There was no control, I tore very badly...imagine that scenario when I am alone in the delivery room. How is that safe?. I know 50 years ago, no one would have dreamed of having the father in the delivery room, but I am modern generation and not having anyone to speak for me at that time is my worst nightmare.

FireWyrm

trolleyrun wrote: »

I get the feeling the OP doesn't want to entertain any suggestions made. Everything is waves away, although I haven't read any reply to my suggestion of befriending her children's friends' parents. Perhaps dad would be better at doing this as he's the househusband? Does he pick the children up from school? Does he talk with any of the parents by the gates? Now might be a good time to start, but I'm sure we'll hear another excuse why this isn't possible...

I get the feeling you are making value judgements on things you don't understand. Did it never occurre to you why I have no friends? I am painfully shy. It takes months for me to move beyond talking about the weather and other generalities. I don't pick the kids up from school because they are old enough to come home alone. I don't know the parents of their friends and I don't see them during the day because I work full time and will be working full time up until the last minute. In any case, even if I was gregarious with endless opportunities for friendship making, the idea of sidling up to someone, chatting about the weather and then casually asking whether they wouldn't mind awfully looking after my three kids at 3am until whenever is just plain silly. That kind of trust and goodwill takes years to develop. The only person who might have done it is no longer around. When I said I have no one, I meant it. My father is useless, my mother long gone. I have no siblings nor do I have friends. I work in an office of men and none of those are older than 25. I wouldn't know one next door neighbour by sight but not his name. I know no one else in the street buy sight or otherwise.

I'm frankly terrified of having another disastrous birth that this time damages my body forever and have spent the last month or so mulling this over in my mind over and over, coming to no definate conclusion one way or the other. I was hoping for some encouraging stories that will help put my mind at rest and some replies have been very useful. Yours however, is not.

beckstar1975

Ok, another option, you need a birth companion, either a friend or a doula. They can be with you if you want to try for home birth and either accompany you to hospital should you need to transfer or possibly stay home with kids (not all would do this). They will meet you and family a few times beforehand and go through your wishes so they can advocate for you, as from what you are saying being alone and unheard is your biggest fear with solo hospital birth.

Whilst they obviously have knowledge and exp of labour and childbirth they are not qualified medically and thus are there for you not to deliver the baby.

Google doula uk to find one near you, if money is an issue many trainees offer reduced fees.

I would second trying antenatal groups too.

Counting_Pennies_2

I haven't had a chance to read the other replies.


My suggestion is to avoid a homebirth. A birth after a C-section (Vbac) ideally needs to be done in hospital in case there is a rupture of the scar.


In terms of the children, I would start befriending the children's friends parents and ask if they can take in one or more of you children in an emergency over night, or more ideally for one of them to sit/sleep in your house if you go into hospital.


Last resort I would start looking into nannies agencies and find one who is not currently working who will be happy to be on call for an emergency at any time of the day or night. Likely to need to pay a small retainer for having her on standby

duchy

I really think you need to sit down with a midwife and discuss your options.

One one hand you talk about wanting a home-birth ....then in another post you reveal previous pregnancies have had complications (which might explain why a home birth horrifies your husband)

You speak of been terrified of birh and not knowing what your choices are....despite three previous births.

Once you have worked out medically what kind of birth is suitable for you (probably a hospital) THEN look at the logistics of the children.


I am astounded the children appear to have no friends over to play ever- especially with a parent home fulltime. Even if your husband is the one doing the inviting for playdates and parties if you aren't social it would be the beginnings of a support network which it sounds like you need. With no busy roads to cross an eleven year old taking an eight year old to and from school is just about acceptable - but what happens if the 11 year old is sick or staying late at school- and next year will be at high school anyway so unavailable. If your husband is home fulltime surely him taking them to and from school is part of been a SAHP anyway - and safety aspects aside makes him more visible to other parents so invitations to play after school become more possible - and are the beginnings of the support network you are currently lacking.

It is very hard to be a parent in isolation -as your current predicament illustrates. With local parent friends a lot of these issues wouldn't be arising. They don't have to be in your face but social connection with the parents of your children's friends can help when you need to be in two places at one time !

TBagpuss

I've not been able to read through the entire thread but a couple of options might be
(1) arrange for your in-laws to come to visit so they are there when the baby comes. If it would be impractical for them to sty for a long period, could you afford for them to stay locally, rather than in your own home?
(2) consider a Doula http://doula.org.uk/content/find-a-doula-0 who would be able to accompany you so your husband could stay with the other children long enough to arrange alternative care for them.

good luck.

enthusiasticsaver

Firstly congratulations on the impending birth of your baby. I have just become a grandparent for the first time and new babies are an absolute joy and it is a shame that you are having this quite understandable worry. Your biggest issue I would say is not whether you have a home birth or hospital delivery but that you have very little back up support. Your three other children are too young to be left in particular if you end up going in at night and especially as you have two quite young ones. In fact I believe you are not allowed to leave children alone unsupervised under the age of 14. Even if you opt for a home delivery there may be some emergency procedure like retained placenta etc which involves you going into hospital anyway so you would have the same problem.


Does your husband do nursery, playgroup with your 2 and a half year old and what is his take on this problem? I understand some people do feel shy in approaching people and we moved from the South East to the South west when our two children were very tiny and did not know a soul. School gates, playdates, playgroups, nct groups and tumble tots were a great way to meet other parents and we started up a babysitting circle as very few of us had family close by. I do freely admit though I am not shy and found everyone to be really friendly and accommodating. Neighbours may well be happy to step in an emergency if you got to know them but surely if your husband is at home with the children normally he has a better chance of introducing himself to them and broaching the subject. Surrogate granny schemes are also something you might explore as in this day and age families are more scattered and many young families are not lucky enough to have grandparents, siblings etc close by for support. I hope you manage to sort out something or as a last resort you will have to labour alone which is not ideal. Is it something you could mention to your health visitor who may have some ideas?