Stuck in a quandry and dont know what to do

restless6

Your husband is a househusband- so he is the one that will know the other parents from school/babygroups etc. Tell him to sort the childcare out. If he refuses to help, then it's up to him to have the kids whilst you sort yourself out.

Your older kids will have friends at school- they are old enough to ask for a sleepover- you dont need to arrange it for them.

Failing that- you will be able to give birth on your own. Many women do it and they are fine.

There is always a solution, you just don't seem very open minded about the suggestions offered.

Mupette

Go for a C section have a planned day and time, yes i know you dont want that, but in all honestly you have had lots of lovely advice but none seem to fit in your plan, - if its planned the children can all be at school, - no school fines, no grandma looking after your children in your home.

We understand you are shy and don't have any friends, but what is it you want us to suggest? Everything has been unsuitable, non negationable, I think you need control of the matter, and the fear of no control over this worries you.

You don't know that the fine could end up in court (or that you'll get a fine - write a letter to your LA and explain),

You need to speak to your midwife, don't be shocked to be told that another option would be to have social services takes your children for a few days.

f0xh0les

I am not making any judgements about you or your choices. It seems to me, if you have torn badly and lost lots of blood then your midwife won't entertain the notion of a homebirth. Sorry. They really tried to talk me out of it after #2 was born at 10lb 1oz. They said if they knew the size of him they would never have allowed it - but then they had spent 4 months telling me he would be smaller than the first one and well under 7lbs.
It sounds to me like you would be safest in the hospital - the objective, at the end of the day, is to get you and your newborn safely through this and back home where you belong. If you want a midwife in attendance, properly one on one and not leaving you, then it is going to have to be an elective induction. I know in Salford they are happy to schedule them, and c-sections, around school holidays. Especially when there are other children involved and childcare is an issue. You really need to have a decent chat with your midwife and find out what they can do to make this easier for you, and so they know what your concerns are and can try and figure this out for you.

I didn't mind the midwife not being in the room for most of my labour. I only rang the bell when I had the urge to push, you never saw a midwife run faster. No time to even prep her tray, but I figured she was off with a more nervous mum-to-be.

I met her again when I was picking sloes in a hedge, didn't even recognise her face, that was how long she was with me! Mind you she had no idea what I was doing in the hedge and didn't know what a sloe was.

belfastgirl23

I think you are doing an awful lot of catastrophising here and you need to step back and take a deep breath.

I think you really want a home birth and are not hearing any other options. Which is absolutely fair enough, it sounds like you've had some bad experiences. However, don't make it about no other options being possible (because they are possible and we are all finding it frustrating that you aren't hearing them) acknowledge to yourself that this is at the bottom of your objections and tell your husband this is what you want and talk through his worries and concerns.

Yes you need a back up plan in place in case there are complications. I would suggest you assume a final option is to put the kids in a reputable firm taxi to grandmas (most taxi firms police check their drivers these days and your oldest is 11). But that's if you get your husband talked into a home birth.

I'd advise not doing the 'but nothing else is possible' route - you'll just drive him mad. Be calm and clear on your rationale for home birth. No one else can decide if this is the right thing for your family and I'm assuming you've thought about risk factors, like distance from hospital, your age and general health etc.

Good luck.

trolleyrun

FireWyrm wrote: »

I get the feeling you are making value judgements on things you don't understand. Did it never occurre to you why I have no friends? I am painfully shy. It takes months for me to move beyond talking about the weather and other generalities. I don't pick the kids up from school because they are old enough to come home alone. I don't know the parents of their friends and I don't see them during the day because I work full time and will be working full time up until the last minute. In any case, even if I was gregarious with endless opportunities for friendship making, the idea of sidling up to someone, chatting about the weather and then casually asking whether they wouldn't mind awfully looking after my three kids at 3am until whenever is just plain silly. That kind of trust and goodwill takes years to develop. The only person who might have done it is no longer around. When I said I have no one, I meant it. My father is useless, my mother long gone. I have no siblings nor do I have friends. I work in an office of men and none of those are older than 25. I wouldn't know one next door neighbour by sight but not his name. I know no one else in the street buy sight or otherwise.

I'm frankly terrified of having another disastrous birth that this time damages my body forever and have spent the last month or so mulling this over in my mind over and over, coming to no definate conclusion one way or the other. I was hoping for some encouraging stories that will help put my mind at rest and some replies have been very useful. Yours however, is not.

I get that you're shy and you work full time. What I don't get is why your OH can't arrange playdates etc with the children, their friends and parents and get to know them. It doesn't have to be just you that does everything.

People can be nicer than you think. I had a neighbour knock on my door a couple of years ago asking if I could sit in their house with the children as he needed to take his wife to hospital. I only knew them on a "hello" basis. I of course said I'd help out. The children were in bed and the dad was home before they knew about anything. I'd do it again in a heartbeat. I've done my elderly neighbours' shopping for them when they couldn't get out due to snow. I've had friendly offers from neighbours and friends to help out with looking after my dog.

I'm not a particularly outgoing person. I keep myself to myself.
And I'm really not trying to judge you. It's just that so many people have suggested various things to you to help and you seem to find problems with every suggestion. It's up to you though. Your pregnancy, your birth, your family. If nothing else, this might show you that it's time to maybe try to make some friends or at least acquaintances.

foolofbeans

I'm going to go against the grain on this thread and give a big thumbs up to a homebirth. I had one with my last child (of five) and wish I had done it sooner. It was far more relaxed than any hospital birth and I had two midwives with me at all times when they were hard to locate in a hospital.
A previous c-section doesn't prevent a homebirth nor does a previous retained placenta (I had one in a previous pregnancy).
The hardest thing about a homebirth is other people's reactions to it! People feel free to pass comment when they have had no experience of it. It is your baby, your body, your choice. Midwives can advise but nobody can tell you what you can or can't do. I think we are so programmed to follow what we are told that we do it. My blood boils when I watch One Born Every Minute and see midwives carrying out pointless internals. They serve no purpose as no midwife can predict with accuracy how long each women will take to labour.
I laboured from the early hours of the morning and this is quite common for homebirthers - the body seems to know when is a good time! I called the midwives who came in a taxi. They bring gas and air for pain relief and some mats for the birth. Baby was born at 6am in between some chats and a cuppa and I went to the bathroom to pass the placenta while the living room was cleaned up. Kids came down an hour later to meet their new sibling and life carried on without much interruption. I didn't have to listen to anybody else screaming in pain, nobody else's baby's cries kept me awake and I helped myself to food and drink from my fridge :j
Cost was minimal as we only supplied a poundshop shower curtain and an old duvet to birth on. No parking charges either
There's a facebook page I am still part of as although it was nearly four years ago I still feel passionate about homebirth so please message me if you would like me to add you.
One of the main things I found about homebirthers is that they tend to have a lot more knowledge as we research it for the pros and cons.
I also claimed maternity allowance due to redundancy and it was actually quite easy and a similar amount to SMP so well worth claiming and you may be entitled to tax credits as each week you are on maternity leave £100 of income is deducted for their calculations so effectively you could be classed as earning nothing. Check out entitledto.com to give an idea of what tax credits you could get (you would have to request calculations are based on current year income rather than previous) and the .gov websites gave me all the info I needed to be able to claim maternity allowance.
Congratulations x

Savvy_Sue

FireWyrm wrote: »

Has anyone else got any advice on homebirth to share, pro or con? Are you allowed pain relief or is it just get on with it and hope for the best?

I used TENS, the midwives said they could bring gas and air but I don't think it ever came into the house, and they also had pethidine which they said they never needed at home births.

However, there must be some chance of baby coming during the February half-term, surely?

Also, just because you're an atheist, mum and baby groups run by local churches aren't out of bounds to you. You don't have to ask for help: many would offer it before being asked. And some groups aren't even run by 'the church'.

puppypants

"To be fair though I havnt had an emergency yet unless you count a retained placenta which had to be removed last time but that's hardly life threatening."

I beg to differ on this point. Having had post partum haemorrhage due to retained placenta, after both of my sons births, I can assure you that it IS a life threatening emergency situation.

duchy

For those telling the OP she should go ahead and have a home birth regardless if that is what she wants..... Forum rules aside prohibiting medical advice ......unless you are medically qualified and have full access to the OP's medical history then surely better advice would be to make an appointment now to see the midwives and not wait for the routine appointment in December. Until the OP knows if a home birth is medically advisable - she can't plan. I'm an advocate for home birth in the right circumstances but with a past history of a problem birth and the fact the OP says she is scared of complications then she needs to be exploring what her options are as the more you can plan the less scary things tend to be.

I'd also suggest that if Dad is a SAHP rather than a Dad at home til he finds a job that he works at networking. Whilst I can understand that some men find the playground Mum's playground maf1a a bit daunting - there are other ways to get to know other parents.....for example most schools will be having a Christmas fete he could volunteer to help at as well as a PTA he could join. I know when I had an emergency (my Mum was rushed to hospital and it was genuinely a life or death situation ) one of the Mums simply told me not to worry she'd bring my son home with her daughter for tea ....and when I called later to say I was arranging for my son's Dad to drive 30 miles to collect him after he'd finished work (we were seperated)-she told me not to worry he could stay the night. This lady wasn't a close friend although I'd known her for several years - she was someone I chatted to in the playground as part of a group rather than someone I socialized with- People can be amazing when they know you have a problem .......they don't have to be your best friends to do it . And to be honest if it's your husband at the school gates they tend to offer even more help as they think Dads need more help LOL

FireWyrm

duchy wrote: »

I really think you need to sit down with a midwife and discuss your options.

I'm trying to get an appointment but so far, no one seems interested.I can understand that, why should I be special from among the thousands of other women in the district who are going to be in labour at the same time.

duchy wrote: »

One one hand you talk about wanting a home-birth ....then in another post you reveal previous pregnancies have had complications (which might explain why a home birth horrifies your husband)

Yes, it horrifies him. He is also of the generation where women go to hospital, full stop.

duchy wrote: »

You speak of been terrified of birh and not knowing what your choices are....despite three previous births.

Yes, I've had three previous births. Number 1 was unsupported and a total disaster. I tried to do as I was told by the midwife despite no experience or information and tore so badly I needed 3 further surgeries to fix the damage. Both my husband and I were terrified and alone and it haunts us both still.

My second was an elective C-section. I was told this was absolutely necessary because of the previous tearing and that if I didnt, I would be incontinent for the rest of my life. My husband and MIL did everything they could to persuade me despite my instincts to the contrary and I finally did as I was asked. That too was a disaster. Even my husband had to agree that the c-section was horrific. The midwife couldnt believe that the surgeon used staples to do me up again and the resulting running infection in the wound went on for months as did the pain despite my best efforts and theirs. The spinal made me sick for a week and I didnt even try breast feeding. I just got through it.

My third was many years later. I was terrified. A consultant told me that I was an idiot to try for a normal birth and that I would tear and the baby would die (her words). I stuck to my guns despite intense opposition and demanded to speak to someone else. I managed to speak to a 'consultant' midwife who promised me that she would be there for the birth and she would ensure I was well taken care of. She kept her word and of all three experiences it was by far the best. I managed to give birth to a 10lb 5 oz boy with minimal interference and nothing but gentle encouragement from a competent midwife who clearly knew her job.

That is my entire experience of birth and children. I have read up endlessly but now because of circumstances, I am being forced down a route I dont want to go. Ideally, this one would be the same as my last, with the children taken care of, nothing to worry about and a midwife who knows what she is doing. However, my MIL has made herself clear. The backup that was available last time will not be available this time. I have no one else to turn to so my only real options are to either stay at home or go to hospital alone, neither of which is ideal. As it stands, I was considering how I would even get to hospital last night and short of an ambulance, or a neighbour, there isnt a way. I live 30 minutes from the nearest one.

duchy wrote: »

I am astounded the children appear to have no friends over to play ever-

I sometimes come in from work to find children in the living room but beyond that, no. They dont.

duchy wrote: »

Even if your husband is the one doing the inviting for playdates and parties if you aren't social it would be the beginnings of a support network which it sounds like you need.

Playdates are not a rural thing. We live in a village. The children all play out and during the summer, that can be until 8 or 9 at night.

duchy wrote: »

With no busy roads to cross an eleven year old taking an eight year old to and from school is just about acceptable - but what happens if the 11 year old is sick or staying late at school- and next year will be at high school anyway so unavailable.

The 11 year old catches a bus to her secondary school and the 8 year old has been taking herself to school since she was 6. This is a village. They play out. All the children do, this is not unusual.

duchy wrote: »

If your husband is home fulltime surely him taking them to and from school is part of been a SAHP anyway -

As above, they have long since grown out of being taken to school.

duchy wrote: »

and safety aspects aside makes him more visible to other parents so invitations to play after school become more possible - and are the beginnings of the support network you are currently lacking.

The kids play out with other children. They have an extensive network of friends all over the village.

duchy wrote: »

It is very hard to be a parent in isolation -as your current predicament illustrates. With local parent friends a lot of these issues wouldn't be arising. They don't have to be in your face but social connection with the parents of your children's friends can help when you need to be in two places at one time !

I agree, but we are new to the village relatively and most of them have been here for generations. We arnt 'villagers' yet.