Do I hire a private investigator

Tygermoth

Motive? i have no idea but this happened to a friend of mine. I assume the conman liked to play mind games and pulling the wool over our eyes was his version of winning the game. It couldn't have been for money as she didn't really have any.

Nice guy, we all met him and he was just the right amount of charming. Funny respectful and seemingly devoted to my friend. They were together two years announced the wedding after a trip to NYC it was all very sweet.

A better mate than us started making noises that things were not as they seemed after she spotted him somewhere he had no place being. Dude managed to make her out to be crazy jealous, but skilfully done so we honestly thought it was a mix up.

The better mate wouldn't let it lie and started digging..

Then we had a hysterical call from the original lass in question she had gone over to his flat and it was empty. totally empty, even the light bulbs.

Then things started to come out, didn't work for the company he said he did (oil rigger). People realised that he never gave any background info. that he didn't have friends. The landlord had a different name and the both it and the referees were bogus - he had never done a credit rating as a large deposit. The school he said he attended when tracked down the year groups he could have been in on FB they advised that no one of that or the landlords name had gone there (and no one recognised the photo)

We were all baffled why anyone would do this?

I mean i have been catfished and ended going out with a dude for a while who said he was a marine in the army. I was suckered for a few dates and then realised he was after one thing and tought bigging himself up would get it... But lying to get your leg over is fairly common.... but setting up a whole identity? flats? cars? friends? thats just bonkers.

Saying that i have a friend from my childhood whose father had two families which only came out when he died and a co-worker whos dad had a full on second family for 25 years! so it must be more common than you would think.(i appreciate they can lie about the time they are away, but how do thy PAY? two sets of family bills?!?)

:eek:

moneyistooshorttomention

From latest comments from OP - I'd now be willing to bet that the one truthful thing he said to OP was about a flat in Carlisle.

I wonder if he still has that flat? Am now wondering how big a place Carlisle is?

EDIT; Just done a quick check - 71,773 people according to Google. Small enough that it may not be that hard a job to find him....

Second quick look - is he into football or rugby? There seems to be a fair bit of activity on those fronts there...

Personally - I'd now be checking out the cost of long weekends there as a holiday break (after checking out the thoughts other posters have had as to how to find him).

Did he make any comments about what the flat/its environment was like, eg "I do think even a flat has to have at least 2 bedrooms and be modern/purpose built" for instance...(cue for Rightmove search for flats with at least 2 bedrooms - to see where they are there).

There will be "something" that came out at some point over those 4 years that will be a Major Clue about him - perhaps a throwaway comment/perhaps a 10 second expression on their face. I say "10 second facial expression" - because there was a time when I just "knew" something very major and unusual about a man I used to be involved with. It hit me out of the blue and I traced that realisation back to a 10 second facial expression. When he told me about that some weeks later - he instantly got told that I already knew.

BigAunty

Love the way the ex's life is a fiction yet he is so accomplished at manipulation, he tries to convince the OP that she is the untrustworthy one.

I get the concept of people shrugging off their former lives, the creation of a false identity. However, these people must be hollow shells as they walk away when challenged, they prioritise their secrets over love so cant form any real emotional attachments.

Perhaps they enjoy the sport of trickery rather than love? Every day they get to rub their hands about how they can fool everyone around them. Could it be a power thing?

elsien

Undercover cop. Know any activists?

http://www.theguardian.com/uk/2011/jan/19/undercover-policeman-married-activist-spy

DCFC79

Feral_Moon wrote: »

But what on earth was his motive?

I cant think of any, as been mentioned the motive is to get money out of the "mark" and then vanish.

Do you know what the name of the employer was ?

Who said it had been liquidated, did he say that ?

Let us know the name and we could check for you on Companies House if you haven't done this.

duchy

BigAunty wrote: »

Love the way the ex's life is a fiction yet he is so accomplished at manipulation, he tries to convince the OP that she is the untrustworthy one.

I get the concept of people shrugging off their former lives, the creation of a false identity. However, these people must be hollow shells as they walk away when challenged, they prioritise their secrets over love so cant form any real emotional attachments.

Perhaps they enjoy the sport of trickery rather than love? Every day they get to rub their hands about how they can fool everyone around them. Could it be a power thing?

I knew a man like this.
He had four kids with two different women (that he acknowledged maybe there were others too) One of those women told me over the years she had been with him there had been several instances of women claiming to be his partner. She chose to believe him every time ......and believed all these women were simply jealous. I have often wondered if once his children were old enough to realize he was taking their mothers for fools what happened -if they too believed his lies or if he disappeared on them too as he did to these other women.

He even turned up at a work wedding with one of the two women and she prattled on to us about how happy they were together ....which was hugely embarassing as we all knew his other woman had just had his baby- this woman told us she knew about the child but of course it wasn't his . (Strangely he had been at the birth , bought us champagne to celebrate and taken paternity leave however).

He explained to us that this woman was lonely he'd brought her out of pity as because their daughter had a disability she had no social life but liked to pretend to people that they were still a couple and there was an implication that she was quite needy and not quite all there. Naturally with that explanation no-one was going to say anything to this very pretty and sweet lady . We just all felt sorry for her and the fact she liked to pretend they were still together. Of course the reality was he was running (at least) two relationships/families and lying to both women.

Looking back it does sound incredible - but he was very plausible -and charming too. His Dad had affairs for years before his Mum had enough and slung him out - None of this man's brothers and sisters (it was a big family) had anything to do with their father- except this man who was very close to him. Maybe he was just following his Dad's example - who knows . My feeling is he got a kick out of fooling everyone and it gave him some kind of weird buzz but maybe it was more than that and some kind of compulsive behaviour and a form of mental illness rather than cruelty. I've never quite made up my mind.

I understand why people are saying there must be some kind of financial con involved but I think that's because those asking are normal and can't see the point in doing it for some other reason - as it wouldn't make sense. I don't think you can understand such twisted motives if your mind can't comprehend the motives for doing it.

Kaye1

Motive? who knows?
Happened to a housemate of mine- very, very long story short- he told us all he was studying to be a doctor, single and his Dad was a hospital consultant.

Real life- long term engagement, kicked out of Uni, Dad was a car park attendant. He stole every item she owned from her room in the house we shared. Every. Single. Thing.
Why? No idea. Sociopathic tendencies I would guess.


He kept it up for over a year.

mavvymoo

Same happened to a friend of mine. He even purchased a house for them both.He was married with 4 children and was still living with his wife. Telling my friend the same he was working away. Telling his wife he was away with his job.
When I look back at this there was so many things that didnt add up but he also was a charmer and pulled the wool over everyones eyes including my friends children and her parents and all her friends.

Turned out his wife had money and the house was purchased with her money and he told her it was an 'investment' property.

In the end his wife found out and gave him the its me or her question.He left telling my friend he was working abroad for a few months.

She never heard from him again first thing she knew was a letter from (the wifes) legal team :eek: Telling her to leave the house as it was being sold.
She was with this man for 6 years and had no idea at all. She has never seen him again.

I still dont know the reasons why as he never gained anything from the lies never stole from my friend he treated her like a queen. But I would say it was the excitement of it all. The wacky stories which now never made any sense.

Good luck OP but it really does happen more than anyone thinks sadly.

cyantist

I think sometimes it's just to know you can. This happened to a friend of mine. She met a guy who claimed to never have married, no kids etc. We found out 2 years after he disappeared without a trace (I saw an article in a local paper that had a picture of him with his wife) that he had been married for 20 years and had 3 kids. His wife was 15 years younger than him, and I think he just got off on the fact that he had managed to get someone on the side who was even younger and even better looking than his wife, a kind of "see I've still got it..." thing and the fact that he thought he was so clever that he could fool a very clever and beautiful young woman into being with him and worshipping the ground he walked on.

This is just guessing though. To be honest these people are so screwed up that you really can't know for sure their reasons, as they don't think like the rest of us.

Alikay

My aunt was with a man I called my uncle for 20 years and had 4 children with him. After several years he moved her and the kids into his elderly dad's home where my aunt cared for the dad until he died. My "uncle" worked away all week and had "digs" where he worked. When he died suddenly, it turned out that the "digs" were actually his home where he lived with another woman he's met after my aunt, and that he also wasn't divorced from his first wife, whom he visited regularly - she however knew about aunt and the children, though aunt didn't know he was still married or in contact with her.

Oddly, all 3 women ended up supporting each other at the funeral, and the two other women helped my aunt financially in the aftermath as he wasn't insured and she was left skint. He wasn't a charismatic, handsome adonis btw, he was bald, toothless and about 7 stone wet-through!