Do I hire a private investigator

Mojisola

Shelly193 wrote: »

As bad as he is, he was good. If he is like the way he was with us, with his family, they are all probably happy. If I go after him, I will break a happy family apart. I think it is for the best if I just let it go.

You and his wife need to get tested for STDs. Having found the depths of his deception, you don't really think that the two of are the only ones he has slept with, do you?

FBaby

The problem is these people are well rehearsed in lying convincingly, so unless you are a naturally mistrusting person, you would have no reason to question things.

You can't win. If you do carry out checks that could expose lies, you are seen as overstepping on someone's private space, and being mistrusting means that the relationship has no chance to evolve positively.

If you take the approach that the essence of a relationship is trust, then you can't carry out these checks and if the con person is savvy enough, you would have no way of knowing you are being taken for a fool.

Guest101

BucksLady wrote: »

OP, I was wondering if he was registered with your GP's Practice?
On registering, the surgery would request details of his previous GP's Practice in order to obtain his notes. Although information of this kind is confidential, I do know that under certain circumstances, info is shared.

Completely confidential and only shared via a court order, and that is impossible to get for this situation.

mai_taylor

Shelly193 wrote: »

As bad as he is, he was good. If he is like the way he was with us, with his family, they are all probably happy. If I go after him, I will break a happy family apart. I think it is for the best if I just let it go.

No one who could do this to someone is good, you have to stop thinking of him that way. His family may think they're happy but it's all a lie, in my opinion they deserve to know the truth and this guy doesn't deserve to be happy or to get away with what he's done to you.

Having said that you need to do what's best for you and your child so if that means letting it go then that's what you should do.

BigAunty

I think there is enough info here for the ex to be identified by others so I would advise the OP to delete the thread.

The OP indicated that she woke up feeling spooked when there is not an intruder in the house but it felt like there was. She can take steps to improve the physical security of the property as even though she hasn't indicated a threat, she may feel better changing the locks (if he had a key), installing an alarm or cctv, for example. I'm not saying she is exposed to any danger but perhaps it would help to end her bad dreams which probably symbolise her emotional violation.

So the ex lied about his name, age, occupation, relationship status, residential location, friends, school, at the very least. He is so thorough, he has spent hours on Facebook trying to resist being found. So perhaps he will fight back strongly when he finds out his self preservation methods have failed. He's not on the birth certificate so may very well dispute paternity.

Knocking quite a few years off his name - quite a big indicator of vanity, don't you think? Flash motor - check. Mousy missus in the background - check.

Self employed non resident fathers are particularly notorious for escaping their financial obligations towards their children in a country where over half of absent parents do not pay any child support anyway and where a large minority never see their children after the relationship breaks down. So the OP may not necessarily find any comfort there but can try.

For example, the self employed can legitimately reduce their income to suppress the sum they owe. He may, again quite legitimately and for tax purposes, not appear to have much in the way of assets. Jersey also has a reputation for offshore accounts that reduce transparency of capital and income.

He also has the means to employ solictors to get his way whereas the OP is probably not in the same position.

The only card that the OP holds is that her ex will be desperate that his wife does not find out about his affair and child - as someone married to him, she would be in the position to be awarded some of his assets during a divorce. Not to say anything of the humilation that could come from his colleagues, family and friends finding out he's played away from home (and probably not the first time as he seemed fairly practiced in secrecy).

So what is left for the OP is to consider whether she will try to keep him onboard to secure child support and contact with the child.

Or whether she thinks his abandonment and his means show that he will resist taking responsibility so she tells his missus and lets the missus take him to the cleaners and she gets peace knowing that he did have to account for his behaviour, albeit to someone else.

She should pop over to the child support board and find out the position on gaining child support from someone who may be resident in Jersey.

Does she pop to his place of work, issue a cheery 'good morning, how's the weather in Jersey?' to him through the car window as he arrives and drive off, leaving him to experience the sinking feeling in the stomach for once, the lack of control, that she has put him through.

Or does she arrange for her solicitor to send a letter about child support to the marital address and omit to put his name on the envelope so the wife opens it? Or will it be better to have his name on the envelope so it is clear to him that she knows where he lives and perhaps this may make him buck up and accept his responsibilities, the letter marking the end of the road for his anonymity?

Freeraine

If I was leading a double life, I wouldn't have Facebook identities.

System

from Shelly's post 206:
'We found him this afternoon. My sister had the idea of searching facebook for his name, but trying different spelling variations of his surname. We must have searched thousands of people, when we noticed a woman, married to his name living in Jersey.'

'We've ran his name through everything possible. Company check has given the most shocking result. He is the director of a manufacturing company here in Brum. It's a half an hour drive from my house. That explains why he was always here.'

from Shelly's post 211
'As bad as he is, he was good. If he is like the way he was with us, with his family, they are all probably happy. If I go after him, I will break a happy family apart. I think it is for the best if I just let it go.'

Well, he's been in Brum as a director, his wife lives (?) in Jersey, so how much does she know about him? He proposed to you and intended to marry you, thus being a prospective bigamist. Isn't that, in itself, breaking "a happy family apart"? If you could discover his duplicity, so could she.... indeed, I cannot see how the wife hasn't wondered how he's been 'getting along' whilst he's been away for so many months at a time, directing his company in Birmingham. Also, over a 4 year period, wouldn't she have visited (possibly be seen together)?

I want to believe it all (I'm a hopeless old softie) but things still don't quite feel right...

ManofLeisure_2

Mr_Costcutter wrote: »

I have to agree with Fbaby.

OP, I genuinely believed your story to begin with, but I'm afraid things just do not add up.

I also feel the same. From the details given by the OP it is possible to search with the given criteria, and I'm afraid the story really doesn't add up.

Lily-Rose_3

FBaby wrote: »

Shelly, sorry to be questioning your story, deep inside, I do think it is true, but I can't help feeling a bit dubious how you found him along with the timing.

Can I ask what took you to this woman's profile and what made you click on it? I am not not a Facebook expert, but I don't understand how if his profile didn't come up, you ended up linking to his wife's? If there were thousands of people with his name (and variances of it), how did her profile come up and why would you think of clicking on it, and then investigate further when that person's husband profile didn't come up?

Mr_Costcutter wrote: »

I have to agree with Fbaby.

OP, I genuinely believed your story to begin with, but I'm afraid things just do not add up.

uselessaver wrote: »

from Shelly's post 206:
'We found him this afternoon. My sister had the idea of searching facebook for his name, but trying different spelling variations of his surname. We must have searched thousands of people, when we noticed a woman, married to his name living in Jersey.'

'We've ran his name through everything possible. Company check has given the most shocking result. He is the director of a manufacturing company here in Brum. It's a half an hour drive from my house. That explains why he was always here.'

from Shelly's post 211
'As bad as he is, he was good. If he is like the way he was with us, with his family, they are all probably happy. If I go after him, I will break a happy family apart. I think it is for the best if I just let it go.'

Well, he's been in Brum as a director, his wife lives (?) in Jersey, so how much does she know about him? He proposed to you and intended to marry you, thus being a prospective bigamist. I cannot see how the wife hasn't wondered how he's been 'getting along' whilst he's been away for so many months at a time, directing his company in Birmingham. Surely she would have visited?

I want to believe it all (I'm a hopeless old softie) but things still don't add up...

ManofLeisure wrote: »

I also feel the same. From the details given by the OP it is possible to search with the given criteria, and I'm afraid the story really doesn't add up.

Hmmmmm.

I am struggling a bit too.

Six months with nothing, and then a quick look at facebook, and she suddenly finds him.

I mean, wouldn't facebook be one of the first places you would look?

As I said earlier, I know these things do happen, but I am starting to doubt the authenticity of this story too.

Also, I have to say that although I know people have been taken in by lying cheating men who lead double lives, I struggle to have sympathy with someone who gives 10s of 1000s of pounds to a man they hardly know, (like someone mentioned earlier in the thread.)

FBaby

They searched for variations of his first and last name, the lady has the same second name as the ex as they are married and her realtionship status obviously said married to *ex's name* then when you click on ex's name it says the profile doesnt exist...
however upon making a new facebook account the profile is there for all to see meaning ex had blocked OP & her family/friends making it seem like he had disappeared.

But she said that his surname was common hence having to go through thousands of profiles. Still don't get it! So the guy's name is John Davis, she looks at all the John Davis, then all the John Davies, find thousands, but none that has his picture. Then somehow, she ends up looking at all the Jane Doe Davies, stops randomly at Margaret Davies for no particular reason, who happens to live in Jersey, so clicks and finds that she is indeed married to a John Davies. She can't click on that picture, so she creates a bogus name and hold and behold, she can now click on it and sure enough it has his picture and his profile.

I guess what I don't get is how she could have found the wife first when she didn't know the spelling of the actual surname and had no idea what her first name was? Can you do a search on a name and get profiles of people married to that particular name without accessing theirs? I tried searching for my husband name and no where did my name came up in the search.