Name change after marriage?

o01shorty10o

Hi guys!

I have always felt uncomfortable about possibly changing my name one day due to marriage. And now the time has come to face it, we are engaged (yay)

My problem isthat I am my name. I love my name, it is rare and my oh name is rather common, (another family on our street alone also has it)
Future husband wants me to take his name, my parents want me to also. Everyone I dare voice my opinion to says I'm being silly, like my opinion doesn't matter.

He is not up for duel naming or a whole new name, yet I really want to have the same name as him don't get me wrong! But I cant understand why I'm expected to change my name because we are getting married?

He has two brothers who got married this year, their wives were super excited to take their names. I would hate for him to feel upset because I'm not, but I'm just nit thrilled about throwing away the name I have had for 28 years.

I'm wondering if I am being out of order, everybody else says I am. That thesis whats done or perhaps I int love my wonderful future husband enough to take his name but this could not be further from the truth its simply strange to me to be called something other than my name!

elsien

If you don't want to change it then don't change it.

Alternatively if you want to have the same name as him, then suggest to him if it's not such a big deal what's the problem with him changing his name to yours?

It's not out of order to either keep it or to change it, it's whatever feels right for you regardless of what "everyone else" has to say about it.

(And I do find it hard to believe this is such a contentious issue in this day and age. I thought the debate was done and dusted a long time back.)

Kaye1

It is an old fashioned notion of ownership. However, you must tread carefully, as there are lots of 'new family' members to appease, I suppose.


Personally, I took my OH's name as his new name was far more interesting than my 'Smith,' maiden name!


However, I think if you want to keep it, talk it through with OH and make him see that it is actually important to you.

fairy_lights

o01shorty10o wrote: »

I'm wondering if I am being out of order, everybody else says I am. That thesis whats done or perhaps I int love my wonderful future husband enough to take his name but this could not be further from the truth its simply strange to me to be called something other than my name!

If you want to keep your name then keep your name. It's YOUR name, and it's nobody's choice but your own. I know women who felt like it was the done thing to take their husbands name when they got married but deeply regretted it later on.

TBagpuss

You are not being remotely unreasonable.
It's not about how much you love one another. It's about deep issues of identity.
If people are suggesting to you that you don't love your fiance "enough" then that's deeply offensive to you, but it is also pretty insulting to suggest that your fiance is so insecure that he can't cope without that weird reassurance.

I would suggest that you sit down with your fiance. Be clear with him that you love him and are committed to your life together, but that your name is an important part of your own identity and you don't wish to give it up, and that you do need him to support you in that. Explain to him that you would be willing to discuss with him compromises such as both of you changing to a double-barreled name (if you would be) but that this is not a minor thing for you.

It may be helpful to ask him whether he is able to articulate why he wants you to change? If it is about wanting the two of you to have the same name, then there is no reason at all why he shouldn't change his name to yours.

If he doesn't like that idea, remind him that that is what he is asking you to do, and that you don't like it any more than he does. Other than tradition, there is no reason at all to change your name.

Stick to your guns. Your name is a hugely important, deeply personal pat of who you are, and it has to feel right for you.
And honestly, if your fiance can't, or won't understand how important this is to you, and can't respect your right to determine your own identify then think very long and hard about this relationship. It's not wrong for him to want you to change your name, or to expect it because it is a common tradition, but if he cannot or will not listen to and respect your decision once you have discussed and explained it, then that's a pretty big red flag.

But I hope that you will be able to discuss it with him and that he will be able to respect and understand how you feel
Doesn't he love you enough to accept you how you are, name and all?
And of other people are suggesting that this is a test of how much you love him, point out that that goes both ways - it also goes to how much he loves you, and how much he is prepared to consider you, your happiness and feelings.

Law_girl

If you go to google there are a lot of articles about this. Changing a woman's name on marriage is a notion quite particular to English speaking countries. Even in many societies where women's rights leave much to be desired the concept that your name is your own and can't be taken or given away is there.

gettingtheresometime

Just to throw this into the mix if you don't change your name - and tbh it never occurred to me not to change my name - what surname would any children take?

I know someone who changed their name, even though she wasn't married so that the whole family had the same surname.

melanzana

I live in Ireland now. Most brides here just carry on with their own names. Saves having to change the passport, bank accounts and everything else. Keeps the individuality too.

Why should keeping your birth name, surname and passport be a male preserve anyway?

melanzana

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Just to throw this into the mix if you don't change your name - and tbh it never occurred to me not to change my name - what surname would any children take?

I know someone who changed their name, even though she wasn't married so that the whole family had the same surname.

Children can take any surname the parents agree with. Admittedly at the moment that seems to be the Dad's. But what's the problem there? NONE.

It is about you as an individual after marriage deciding to change your name or not. I never would. I am ME!!

jaylee3

Surprised nobody has mentioned this yet...

Why not go double barrelled? Both of you. If you are Jennifer Lee, and he is John Whittington, then you are Mr & Mrs John and Jennifer Whittington-Lee.

Then any future children (if you have any) can be Miss Whittington-Lee and Master Whittington-Lee. (For example......)

fairy_lights

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Just to throw this into the mix if you don't change your name - and tbh it never occurred to me not to change my name - what surname would any children take?

I know someone who changed their name, even though she wasn't married so that the whole family had the same surname.

If me and my oh get married, neither of us will change our names. If we have kids they will have my name, possibly double barrelled with his but more likely not, purely for the reason that his name is pretty hideous (If you say it quickly it sounds like a certain part of the male anatomy).
I think its something couples need to discuss before kids come along really, so they can come up with a solution that works for everyone.