Name change after marriage?

TopQuark

We got married last year. My OH is French with a very obviously French surname and I am British with an obviously Anglo/Scandi surname. Having no brothers and marrying someone from a different culture, I was keen to keep my own name. OH also wanted to keep his. So we both now have a double-barrell surname and we are happy with it (the families are too, but that wasn't a deciding factor in our decision).

Socksey

My OH wanted me to take his name when we married.... I didn't... he was a little grumpy for a while... I liked my name so kept it... our son has his family name and is not at all phased by me having a different name... it causes no problems at school etc...

Primrose

Do what you want. Just be grateful that times have moved on from when I got married many years ago. We married at a certain point in thw tax year where at that time I was entitled to a tax rebate on my marriage.

I wrote to the Revenue asking for a cheque to be made out to me in my maiden name because at that point I hadn't changed any of my documentation or my bank over to my married name.

I received a letter from the tax authoritiestelling me I would have to send them a letter from my husband giving his written permission before that could be done.

Sounds unbelievable now, doesn't it ??? But yes, I was happy to take his surname.

SnoozyBee*

OP, I understand your dilemma. There's been some really interesting and thoughtful comments on this thread, so to add my two pence, here's some questions to think about (with the caveat that obviously I don't know you or your fianc!e!)


- I can understand that he would want you to take his name. For many people, it's a powerful statement of you joining together as a family and making a new start together, and if it's what he's always known and expected, it may feel like a rejection of 'him' on some level. I know you'll be able to reassure him that it's not the case. Also, men get a load of social pressure, just differently - is underneath it a bit worried that his peers may see him as less 'manly' for it? (Load of tosh I know, but some people are like that I guess).


- What normally happens when you disagree? Does he fight fair, or go off into a sulk/get nasty? Think about all the other times in your life when you'll potentially disagree over something big. If he makes you feel awful and guilty to get his way, is that healthy?


- In a situation where Person A doesn't want to do Action, and Person B wants Person A to do Action, I think Person A (you) gets priority, because you are the person it is actually happening to. If it's an Action that materially affects no one else, then you get the final say.


- If you're ambivalent and he really, really wants you to do it, offer on the condition that he pays for all the paperwork changes and comes with you to every appointment etc. :P


I hate the idea that men are automatically assumed to have their names for life, whereas women have 'their father's' then 'their husband's' names - it's like men own theirs and we only even rent ours! So if he offers up the old chestnut that 'well it's only your dad's name anyway' then ask him where HIS name comes from - if it's his father's then why doesn't he change?


Full disclosure - I got married 18 months ago, and knew I didn't want to change it - I love my name, it's on my degree, and I wouldn't sound like 'me' with his name. On this kids issue, hubs is totally happy for any future kids to have my name - he said (and I quote) 'hey, you grow them, carry them around for 9 months and then go through childbirth, they deserve your name!


Or you could do what a pair of my friends did and choose a totally new surname for both of you!

Gloomendoom

SnoozyBee* wrote: »

Or you could do what a pair of my friends did and choose a totally new surname for both of you!

I thought to whole point of the OP's post was that she didn't want to give up her own name.

If she's going to choose a completely new name, it might as well be her husband's.

Robisere

I don't know if anyone else has pointed this out, but here goes: -

In researching my family tree, I hit a wall at the 8th generation back, in rural North Wales. I was looking for my paternal ancestry at the time and could not understand why the firstborn son was given the mother's name. I began researching this and I learned that it was ancient, original practice in that area, to give all children Matrilineal family names, i.e. children were given the mother's family name.

The majority of Welsh people are of course descendants of the Britons, original inhabitants of Britain, and there is more Welsh/Celtic DNA in our ancestry, than any of the peoples who came later.

Try pointing this out to your DH, it may help if there are any Welsh family connections.

pollypenny

Primrose wrote: »

Do what you want. Just be grateful that times have moved on from when I got married many years ago. We married at a certain point in thw tax year where at that time I was entitled to a tax rebate on my marriage.

I wrote to the Revenue asking for a cheque to be made out to me in my maiden name because at that point I hadn't changed any of my documentation or my bank over to my married name.

I received a letter from the tax authoritiestelling me I would have to send them a letter from my husband giving his written permission before that could be done.

Sounds unbelievable now, doesn't it ??? But yes, I was happy to take his surname.

Nope, all too believable in those days. We married in October, so I was due a tax rebate. It went astray and was eventually traced in April.

However, as it was a new tax year, it was paid to my OH! :mad:

Mojisola

Robisere wrote: »

In researching my family tree, I hit a wall at the 8th generation back, in rural North Wales. I was looking for my paternal ancestry at the time and could not understand why the firstborn son was given the mother's name. I began researching this and I learned that it was ancient, original practice in that area, to give all children Matrilineal family names, i.e. children were given the mother's family name.

That must be very local to the area. The traditional Welsh naming system is patronymic - the child of Morgan ap Jones would get a personal name and take the father's personal name as a 'surname' so would become, for example, Evan ap Morgan or Rachel ferch Morgan. The 'ap' and 'ferch' were gradually dropped and so they would be known as Evan and Rachel Morgan.

melanzana

I wonder if there might be a cultural thing going on here re men v women?

Not a chance that I would give up my identity and birth name.

If we love each other, surely that is a non issue? And if there is, and the man will not allow me to keep my name, it's all over.

Kids, well whatever, I don't mind at all, as long as I am still ME!

Goldiegirl

When I got married back in the early 80's it was the norm to take your husband's name.

My maiden surname is quite similar to my married surname,and starts with the same letter, so I kept the same initials. Because of this I still felt like 'me'.

I often wonder if I'd have been so happy to change my name if the surname had been a lot different, like it is for most people.

But in 2015, I don't think it should be a 'thing' if someone doesn't change their name after marriage - times have changed, and people don't feel as if they have to follow tradition if they don't want to