Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

BigAunty

Btw,. I think you should tot up your outlay to date. Obviously, you will have to estimate the adhoc sums of cash to her.

How much of this went on holidays, tattoos and electronics?

How much has she earned in this period (sounds like a brief period of part time work)?

I didn't get much parental support apart from a few quid for books. I supported myself with part time jobs throughout my entire degree and working full time in all of the holidays, plus a couple of loans. I went as a mature student and built up savings beforehand.

I think I had a weekend break to Amsterdam (staying in a pals flat) and another one to Blackpool as a student the whole time I studied...I did go on a youth expedition to Africa to do conservation work but I raised the fee myself with raffles, sponsored events,etc.

Spirit_2

I can add nothing of value to the tattoo issue. All good advice has been said. On the money front, do not ask after her finances as your enquiries/interest will be an invitation to ask to help if she has a problem. If she does ask for money then suggest she ebays surplus belongings to realise some cash, and that you cannot afford to give her any this time around.

Savvy_Sue

I'm unclear about whether DD is back at Uni yet or not, but if not, I think there is something to be said for a conversation.

Some excellent ideas already, but I think I'd be inclined to mention that you've totted up what you gave her last year, and it came to ... but clearly she doesn't need anything this year as she's already spending on luxuries not necessities.

And mean it.

enthusiasticsaver

I personally would not offer her money even for food. If she can afford £150 for tattoos then she can buy her own food. I get the impression however that this may be a long standing arrangement and she has learnt if she whines about having no money she will get given some by you or her Dad. I have two daughters myself who went through Uni but they both managed with part time jobs and student finance and we gave them the parental contribution as calculated by the student finance company. They never asked for extra money and we never volunteered and I had lectured them about the evils of credit cards since they were 16 years old so they never took one out until they got their first jobs after Uni.


I think your daughter needs some tough love so she can realise the bad spending choices she is making. Stop bailing her out but maybe do as we do and treat her to the odd meal out. I would also make her contribute to your food bill when she is home and working.

edwink

The extra money you have given her to support her through Uni is allowing her to pay for the tattoos and her other luxuries. If you stopped giving her money I am guessing you won't see another tattoo on her for quite some time (if at all). Because surely with her lifestyle choices and Uni costs she would not be able to afford to have any more. Lets face it if she doesn't have the money for them she is hardly going to ask you to fund the next one is she?. No of course she wouldn't but she would take money you have kindly given for Uni expenses etc. and then have the spare money needed to get another tattoo. Please think about it. It is your hard earned money and she is not the one earning it.

Anatidaephobia

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

We are not on a massive income (OK but not massive,) and when she started university, she got the maintenance loan, a grant, and also a bursary (of about £140 a month I think.) So she had enough to live on, and more money than around 85% of the students at the university. In fact, she didn’t even need to work!

She still has enough to live on so I wouldn't be sending her regular food parcels because I think that she will quickly learn that "mum and dad pay for my food so I'm not going to buy any food at all, I'll spend my money on other things".

Saying that, I think food parcels are a good idea (much better than giving money) but should be used sparingly as a last resort. She's not going to be truly standing on her own two feet if she's waiting for her Tesco delivery every Wednesday night, paid for by you. If she's got grants, student loans, etc, and has been able to afford to go on three holidays a year, buy an iPad, get multiple tattoos, regular haircuts, buy new clothes, etc, then she can easily afford to start paying her credit card repayments, reducing her overdraft, and paying for food.

She won't starve if you stop giving her money; she will just learn fast that things have changed. She should not be this dependant on her parents in her third year. University is a great opportunity for her to learn life skills but it's going to require you to stop enabling her and stand your ground.

SingleSue

I order very occasional food deliveries to eldest son at uni when funds are starting to run low and when I say occasional, I really do mean that, at most once or twice a term. The order usually contains the staples which will last a good while and which he can combine with other bits and pieces experimental fashion with his sticker buys at his local Tesco..he is a dab hand at bargain hunting.


Middle son has just started at uni, he is spending virtually nothing on going out (not his style to be honest, he much prefers a couple of beers with friends listening to or actually playing music) and only eating the food he had arrived with....with the price of his halls, he is going to have to keep being this good, it leaves precious little money left after paying for his room and he absolutely refuses to use the overdraft provided with his student account.

He does want a tattoo though at some point in the future and although I am not keen, he is almost 19 and it is his body....

System

I was terrible with money. Uni as a shock to the system. I had no idea how to budget. I'd spent most of my loan (bearing in mind the majority went on rent) within the first 3 months, which meant i had to get a job. I muddled on and my parents bailed me out many many times. I got to my third year and ended up in one hell of a mess. I don;t know what made it click, or what changed my thinking but i realised i couldn't let it continue. I did ring my mum, but not to ask her for money (well technically i did i'l explain), i told her that i was in a mess, but that i didn't want them to bail me out, that this was my mess and i had to take responsibility, so i asked her if she could transfer me some of my inheritance from my grandparents. I felt ashamed as i'm sure my grandparents wouldn't have wanted the money they left to go on rent and bills and paying off my overdraft, but i felt my parents had gone above and beyond to help me out and it wasn't fair to let it continue.

So my suggestion is, is there any money she has that's been put aside? Perhaps that was supposed to go towards the future? If there is i'd be inclined to suggest that she uses that if she needs bailing out. Obviously this might not be an option, but if you continue to bail her out it will continue.

As far as tattoos go, i'd maybe go as far as saying that if she's struggling spending money on a tattoo isn;t the best use of resources, but as far as your dislike of them goes i'd try and keep that seperate. My mum hates tattoos and always told me she'd disown me if i got one.

Thankfully she hasn't, i had my first done last year at 28...and her opinion now (she found out about 8 moths later ) is its actually kind of cute and its my body and i can do as i please.

BarryBlue

Several have said that the tattoo issue is irrelevant as she can do what she likes with her body. That may be true aesthetically, but it is very relevant really as she is spending money on rubbish like tattoos when she is unable to budget for the basics of day to day survival.

Whatever frivolities the money is spent on makes no difference. The answer is the same. She has to be told that if she can afford to waste money on tattoos then she cannot be short of money to live on. Result: no more handouts for the foreseeable future until she has made a serious effort to sort herself out. As someone said early in the thread, tough love required. Money lessons have to be learned by everyone and the sooner the better.

Pollycat

edwink wrote: »

The extra money you have given her to support her through Uni is allowing her to pay for the tattoos and her other luxuries. If you stopped giving her money I am guessing you won't see another tattoo on her for quite some time (if at all). Because surely with her lifestyle choices and Uni costs she would not be able to afford to have any more. Lets face it if she doesn't have the money for them she is hardly going to ask you to fund the next one is she?. No of course she wouldn't but she would take money you have kindly given for Uni expenses etc. and then have the spare money needed to get another tattoo. Please think about it. It is your hard earned money and she is not the one earning it.

I think this post makes an excellent point.

Essentially, you and your husband have paid for her new tattoo that you really dislike.