Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

Lily-Rose_3

I can't add anything to what has already been said to be honest.

Teens/young adults do swing the lead a bit sometimes, and spend all their money too soon and then expect more money off the folks! (Cheeky beggars) But there is rarely any malicious intent there.

Pleading poverty all year and then spending £150 on a tattoo as soon as she got a few hundred quid is outrageous though. I would be furious. Especially after taking 100s off you and her dad!

You said she had a £1500 overdraft. Does she still have that? Is she not making any effort to clear it at all? Is she just leaving the balance at minus £1,493, (for example) and when £300 wages comes in, just wasting it on unnecessary items (like weekends away, clothes, tats, and nails?') Whilst the overdraft is still there almost at the maximum amount? Or has she brought it down any at all?

You need to tell her - and sooner rather than later - that you have become aware very recently that she is not managing her budget as well as you thought, and as well as she let you believe. When she says 'what d'ya mean?' Say 'Well... you were struggling financially only a number of weeks ago, and me and dad were giving you money - which we don't mind when you are genuinely brassick - but then just a few weeks later, you're spending several hundred on unnecessary luxuries... You can't tell me that you think this is sensible budgeting surely?'

And say 'we think you're being 'lax' because you know you have me and your dad to fall back on... So I know this isn't gonna sit well with you; but the bank of mum and dad is shut for the foreseeable future, because we don't think we are doing you any favours by throwing money at you, because it's stopping you from being responsible and sensible.'

Don't be horrible about it as she is not doing it deliberately; it is just her immaturity. Also, I think some young people who go to uni tend to be a lot more crap financially because they have never really had to budget properly, (because some of them live on handouts and don't have a job, and also they have house shares where the money they pay includes rent, gas, electric, water rates, and council tax...so they don't have bills as such... And as I said, they often have parents to fall back on.) Sometimes they don't even earn their own money. They just live on handouts.

My friend's daughter is 23 and has just finished her second year of uni, and has never done a day's work in her life; and she has just lived on handouts - from the Government, and from her parents and grandparents. She was at college til 20/21!

At 23, I had worked for 7 years and had my own flat; paying all the bills and rent out of my own wages! (Like many others LOL.)

Your daughter has a lot of growing up to do; she probably thinks she is a worldly wise woman being at uni, and travelling a lot, and living away from the folks, but the fact is; she is (from the sound of it) quite immature, and she still has a lot of growing up to do.

Do her the biggest favour you can now! Cut the cord! She will never be independent as long as mum and dad are throwing 20 pound notes at her. Oh, and when she comes home, have petrol money off her when you run her around, and ask for money towards food too. Doesn't have to be a lot; just a token amount to show she cannot live for free.

jenhug

"Dear Daughter
Your new job must be great! Thats an impressive tattoo, must have been expensive! So pleased now you are financially stable you don't need bank of Mum and Dad. With the money Dad and I are going to save not having to fund you, we are off on holiday! We'll send you a post card!"

System

If she's in her overdraft, i know some student accounts let you have zero interest whilst you're at uni, but after graduating you start getting charges and interest (as i unfortunately found out first hand ), she might want to give some serious consideration into trying to pay some of it off or she could well get a nasty surprise when she graduates! Not to mention technically the bank could as her to pay back the full amount at any time.

jenhug

My friends daughter went to a school where most of the parents had money. They all got brand new cars for their birthdays etc, and when my friends daughter turned 16 she insisted she got a saturday job. She hated her mum for that because none of her friends have to work. When she went off to uni, she was one of the only kids in her halls that knew the value of money, and how to budget. She worked it all out to the last penny, even down to how much a load of laundry would cost, including detergent etc. She had a daily budget of £7 for herself, 3 meals a day plus drinks.

Her mum sends her a food parcel of little treats every so often, and at the start of term stocks her up on cupboard staples, and she is left to get on with it. She has told her mum how grateful she is that her mum was firm with her, one of her friends will survive on a tin of peas or a bag of apples, as there is no money to feed herself. Some of them blew their grants and overdraft before the first term had started.


We do our children no favours by giving them everything they want. I would personally say to her no financial help all the time she prioritises luxuries like hair, nails, travel and tattoos.