Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

The tattoo is nothing to do with you as it's not your body.

But that doesn't mean you should give her any money.

So the cash injections and Red Cross parcels of food stop and she finds out what it's like to be a real student. Or any grown up.

'Why can't you give me any more money?'

'We realised that you didn't actually need it. After all, food and bills come before tattoos, so you must have had cash spare'

[shrug]

melanzana

Ah come on, most parents want to make sure their child is ok at Uni.

In fairness (if it is the first) it is a big bonding break for parents. The student often sees it as a break for freedom!

And parents want to ensure their kids are ok. That is fine.

But enabling reckless spending (at parents' expense) is not OK either.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions!

Mojisola

This is a girl in her third year of uni - not a new student unused to managing her money. If she hasn't learned the reality of not spending money you don't have now, how is she going to cope when she leaves uni?

She's well past the age when she should have learned to live within her means.

TiddlyPom

I recognise her behaviour as I did something similar when I was young. My parents constantly helped me out when I got in deep and because of this, it took me til my forties to curd my spend aholic ways, recognise the value of money, cut up the credit cards, pay off debt and start saving.

You are not helping her by supporting her financially at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if she is running up,credit card bills behind your back to fund these trips abroad etc. it's what I did.

She will be a lot better off in the long term if she learns the lessons the hard way now. You can continue to support her emotionally and with food parcels but any money you give her will just allow her to continue spending the way she is.
It's not an easy situation, and I feel for you, but please get tough now for her sake.

Gigervamp

TiddlyPom wrote: »

You are not helping her by supporting her financially at the moment. I wouldn't be surprised if she is running up,credit card bills behind your back to fund these trips abroad etc. it's what I did.

This is exactly what I was thinking. I don't believe that other people have paid for her trips, especially trips abroad.

I bet she's got a credit card.

I agree with other posters about not giving her any more money. I also wouldn't send regular food parcels. If you're paying for her shopping, she'll just spend the money she's saved on that, on her frivolities.

dragonette

I would suggest stopping the repeated bail out of her finances. It's only been about 5 years since I left uni - I don't remember anyone starving!

It would prob be best to warn her that you can't afford any more financial help. More importantly, don't say anything negative about the tattoo - you don't want her to feel like the money was stopped as punishment for getting a tattoo.

Person_one

dragonette wrote: »

I would suggest stopping the repeated bail out of her finances. It's only been about 5 years since I left uni - I don't remember anyone starving!

I don't remember anyone starving either, but I do remember a fair few people getting into spirals of debt, bank charges and missed payments. Payday loans weren't around when I was a young student but I believe they've caused some students huge problems.

I think it's always better for a student who's been stupid and reckless to feel they can go to mum and dad for help then to end up in a real mess, possibly affecting their mental health, definitely impacting their studies and maybe even risking them going to dodgy loan shark types.

theoretica

Now is probably a very good time to think about - and tell her - what to expect when she graduates too. May she move back home? For how long? What keep/rent will you charge her? Will it depend on how much she earns?

Loz01

Stop giving her money!!! No odd £20, no £50 bank transfers, nothing. If she really was that poor, she wouldn't spend her money on tattoos, she obviously KNOWS in her head that Mum and Dad will bail her out or she would wisely save her money!

People that know for SURE they cannot get bailed out don't spend it that frivolously. She knows you'll cave in and give her money.

BigAunty

Not sure why the loss of 10 hour a week job, perhaps paid at NMW, is seen as a massive issue. I appreciate that the approx £70 a week would go a considerable way to paying for food, toiletries, clothes and social expenses, it's a pittance in other ways.

Even if she got it back and worked for 6 months until her finals approach, it probably is nowhere near what she's shelled out on holidays, electronic goods and tattoos in the recent past - its the spending that is her undoing.

I'm not saying the lack of a job isn't a factor though.

If it wasn't for the bank of mum and dad, she'd have hustled to find another one pronto.

Next time she asks for cash, tell her to sell her tv and ipad, apply to the student hardship fund or go and speak to her bank manager...