Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

kazwookie

Simples, bank of mum and dad is closed................do not give her any more money.

Tattoo, nothing to do with you as she is over 18.

Good luck

theoretica

Whenever she starts going on about being skint you could offer to go over her budget with her and help her work out how to manage. Or ask if it is bad enough she needs to sell her TV or ipad and say you are willing to help her avoid scammers...

kelpie35

I would not give her any more money even if she has no food to eat.

If she keeps complaining about being "broke" just ignore her and change the conversation to something else. If she has any sense she will soon realise that you are not going to bail her out any more.

If she actually asks for money from you or her dad, then I would not have a problem reminding her that she would not be so poor if she had spent her wages wisely.

You are not doing her any favours by bailing her out every few weeks.

I know that you and her dad both love her dearly, but please both of you be strong. Eventually she will thank you for it.

Pollycat

ttoli wrote: »

She doesn't need to budget whilst Mum and Dad keep bailing her out, time for some tough love I think.

First reply and I think it's bang on.

Why does she need to worry sbout money when you are bailing her out?

She has no concept of the value of money because you've not instilled it into her.

From what you say in your first post, you disapprove of a lot of things she's spending money on. I don't think you're wrong, btw. I don't think I'd be happy bailing someone out who has their nails done regularly etc.

I think you need to sit her down and explain that she needs to budget for the things she'll need because you're not going to.

The tattoo is her choice and she's old enough to decide to have one (or as many as she wants).
I wouldn't bring your disapproval of them into the discussion.

When you have been giving her money, is it on a 'here you are' basis or 'pay us back when you can'?

pmlindyloo

May I just suggest a bit of a compromise?

I think it is just a fact of life that students live weird (and rather wonderful) lives. Their last thought is on budgeting and I fear many don't even begin this until later in life. University life is just different.

Most of us are soft when our kids come to us for money and we all know we should so the 'tough love' thing but it is so difficult.

For many students their priorities are totally different - it's just how they are!

I can understand that you feel used so you now have to make a decision as to what to do.

First the tattoo - she must know how you feel already so was perhaps just 'warning you'. I would have replied 'Yuk!)

I think it is one thing giving money when a loan hasn't gone through and a different thing to giving it part way through the term (or whatever period the loan covers) because she has spent unwisely.

I wouldn't get into any discussions about how she should budget properly - she knows deep down anyway but just refuses to acknowledge it and go from one crisis to another - but if she asks for money or moans about how 'short' she is just say 'poor you' and send her an internet shop with the basics and a treat or two.

In other words don't fall out about it - just listen and then move on. Equally don't totally 'leave her to it' - a food parcel or other goodies now and then shows you are thinking of her.

We can only love them and hope they 'turn out' OK!

duchy

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

There are worse people who she knows, I mean one lad has his parents throw a couple of hundred a month at him for sundries, and they pay his rent in full AND still pay for his mobile phone! He is 23!

Still, she is taking liberties, and you are all right, we do have to be tough. It's going to be hard, and I am not sure what we are going to say if she asks for some money... I guess we will have to think. Any suggestions anyone?

Oh re the tattoo; I will take your advice and not have a go, but just say we don't like them....

Yes she has told you about the lad whose parents indulge him even more than you do her .....but has she also told you about the students who work for pizza hut or MacDonalds in the evening and or at weekends to be able to afford to go to University. Shades of "but all my friend's parents let them do XXXXX" from the teenage years

Plenty of students have part-time jobs- I did myself last year -I was working 31 hours a week and running a home and have an adult son with Aspergers at home -many of my fellow students were working or had a heavy volunteer workload . Some kept their 6th form jobs at home and went home every weekend to work . One girl's home was in Wembley and she'd travel back from Kent every weekend and do more hours in the vacations. I still got to fit in the fun uni stuff as well .

Next time she rings wailing she has no money tell her you'll send rescue tomorrow and to be in between 8pm and 9pm - then get on-line and do her shop (Basics range preferably) of course apart from the beans and corned beef you could add a bar of chocolate as a treat Home delivery can go to any address -it doesn't have to be the address on the card.

When she complains as she surely will unless she's astute enough to get the message first time just say "But Darling - as you told us you can't afford to eat we felt this was best so you don't starve" Obviously don't add a bottle of wine as it'll give the wrong message.

It'll only turn into a drama if you aren't very matter a fact about it. You could even tell her you think she's too old for pocket money and want to treat her like the adult she is.

My friend's son ended up at one of the top universities in his first year rooming with young men all of whose parents were wealthy. He learned to pick and choose and didn't go out to dinner with them every night - and stayed close friends with them all throughout Uni despite preferring to go out one or two nights a week and avoiding overpriced upmarket outings except as a treat. Certainly hasn't affected *his* popularity and he got a First.

(I did chuckle that her Dad was angry - wasn't he going to throw away several hundred pounds throwing a sickie ? Maybe it's genetic )

ToriP

Champagne ideas, lemonade money etc.
She probably is trying to keep up with her crowd in terms of spending on nights out etc.

I doubt she is really 'using' you, I imagine she thinks you have more money than ou actually do. She'll have lots of friends whose parents pay all their rents, food etc.

Effectively she just needs a bit of a reality check.

Serendipitious

OP, if your daughter is about to start her third year, you need to decide your approach and inform her of your decisions asap. As soon as Christmas is over, the pressure of final assessments will begin, and you might not feel so able to raise the subject when she's under academic stress.

Arranging food deliveries is an excellent idea which I'm sure she'll appreciate while she learns to budget her cash.

duchy

You could also not wait for her to ask but send her an email telling her that you do have concerns that she isn't managing so have decided to send her a shop once a month to help keep her going and enclose a suggested list .
You could add that you've both decided that this is better than sending her money as it will help her learn to budget which gives a clear message this is instead of top ups not as well as without getting into confrontation which it seems you are keen to avoid.

jetplane

I'm guessing you haven't talked to your daughter about any of these handouts and if she's always been a good girl you've never resolved conflict as she's always behaved within your expectations?

The tattoos are something that you will have to work through in your own head without criticising her. In life she will make many choices you won't agree with, although she may seek help in resolving the problem.

The money, if she's never asked you for it she's probably never even considered whether you can afford it, otherwise you wouldn't offer. I don't think you can tell her how to spend her money but you can choose whether to give it.

Have a chat, make sure she understands a budget and that you were happy to help with necessities but not luxuries. Encourage her to get her statutory credit reports so she can see her debt. It's a lucky girl who has all of these holidays paid for.

Many parents are happy to subsidise student life, but budgeting is a skill and it's incredible what young people prioritise and consider essentials :eek: