Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

nonnatus

Is she your only child or is there another one somewhere?

I think it all sounds perfectly normal to be honest. All part of her growing up and you preparing yourself for her permanent departure. Kids are genetically programmed to become ghastly when they hit about 18 to make the parting of ways a bit easier.

Your daughter is taking the financial path. You're obviously not completely skint (yet) and can still afford to be helping her out. It's up to you when you finally draw that line in the sand, but expect to feel a bit guilty when you DO!!

Because the next time she asks for a "loan" in "desperation" and you finally say NO, she'll be gutted. Because you've set a pattern for saying Yes and so she'll probably already have spent the money she thinks is coming from you!!

She'll only be this age once you know. What memories would you rather she had of you during this time? Your call....

Rosemary7391

One of my friends at uni had parents who could afford to pay all her tuition and living costs, and plenty extra if they chose. They, however, made a conscious decision to teach her about budgeting instead, and gave her `enough but not too much'. And they sat down with her and told her how they'd arrived at that figure - so much for rent, food, bills, travel etc. That was much more valuable than just giving her money whenever she ran out would've been. Perhaps you ought to sit down with her and go through her budget, to see if she has enough and so that she can also see she has enough?

Brighton_belle

nonnatus wrote: »

She'll only be this age once you know. What memories would you rather she had of you during this time? Your call....

MMMmmmmmm. and then if she struggles to find a job after uni and still expects to get her nails done every month and highlights etc.. mum and dad better pay up then or she'll have bad memories of them when she was un employed...then struggling to manage in her own flat and beastly mum and dad spoilt that time for her by not making sure she had all the essential gadets and new everything. And then when she has a baby etc etc.
At what point can mum and dad help her to grow up and take self responsibility without risking emotional blackmail?

Flyonthewall

nonnatus wrote: »

She'll only be this age once you know. What memories would you rather she had of you during this time? Your call....

You're only every age once, what's your point?

She's left home to go to uni, it's time she learns to manage finances. She's not a kid still at home with her parents, she's out on her own now and needs to stop relying on them for handouts, especially when she created the mess herself.

Her thoughts of them at this time will not be the same as her memories later on. Right now she'll be a bit angry if they stop giving her any money as she's come to expect it, but in the future she'll look back and realise they've done the best for her. She'll look back and realise how silly she was to spend so much and be glad things changed and she'll thank her parents for it.

Pollycat

nonnatus wrote: »

She'll only be this age once you know. What memories would you rather she had of you during this time? Your call....

When I was the OP's daughter's age, I was married and living in a flat, managing our own budget from our own wages and saving for a deposit on a house.

We had to stand on our own two (4?) feet because there was nobody to bail us out if we got into financial problems - neither of our families were in a postiton to help as we were both the eldest and they had enough on with the younger children.

That experience stood me in good stead.
Unlike my youngest sister who had pretty much everything she wanted growing up and has been bailed out of financial problems lots of times as she has little concept of how to manage money.

Looking to the future, the OP is not doing her daughter any favours by giving her money.

Littlebettyboop

Person_one wrote: »

I don't remember anyone starving either, but I do remember a fair few people getting into spirals of debt, bank charges and missed payments. Payday loans weren't around when I was a young student but I believe they've caused some students huge problems.

I think it's always better for a student who's been stupid and reckless to feel they can go to mum and dad for help then to end up in a real mess, possibly affecting their mental health, definitely impacting their studies and maybe even risking them going to dodgy loan shark types.

This is what I am worried about. I don't want to keep throwing money at her anymore, and I do agree that we have been foolish in giving her so much all the time. However, I don't want her to feel that she can't come to us if she does run out of money again, and that she can't depend on the two people in the world she should be able to depend on; her parents.

So I am not sure saying nothing to her and then never giving her anymore is a good idea. Maybe trying to talk to her and let her know (sooner rather than later) that we will not be giving her any more money may be best. It may shock her and even upset her a little, but I think it needs to be said.

How to tell her though.

I want her to know that we love her and we have been happy to support her and help her, but the fact that she is squandering money on nails and hairdressers and tattoos and trips abroad , and then running out of money, and taking it off us, (whether we offer or whether she asks,) is making us worried, because we think she is not budgeting correctly. After all, a time may come when we have no money to offer. What will she do then? Borrow off friends, and be that friend who never gives it back?

Someone asked earlier if we say we want it back. About 1 in 3 times we have given her money, we have said 'just give it back when you can' and the other 2 in 3 we just gave it to her. Even so, she has never offered it back.

edwink wrote: »

The extra money you have given her to support her through Uni is allowing her to pay for the tattoos and her other luxuries. If you stopped giving her money I am guessing you won't see another tattoo on her for quite some time (if at all). Because surely with her lifestyle choices and Uni costs she would not be able to afford to have any more. Lets face it if she doesn't have the money for them she is hardly going to ask you to fund the next one is she?. No of course she wouldn't but she would take money you have kindly given for Uni expenses etc. and then have the spare money needed to get another tattoo. Please think about it. It is your hard earned money and she is not the one earning it.

Good advice thank you.

BarryBlue wrote: »

Several have said that the tattoo issue is irrelevant as she can do what she likes with her body. That may be true aesthetically, but it is very relevant really as she is spending money on rubbish like tattoos when she is unable to budget for the basics of day to day survival.

Whatever frivolities the money is spent on makes no difference. The answer is the same. She has to be told that if she can afford to waste money on tattoos then she cannot be short of money to live on. Result: no more handouts for the foreseeable future until she has made a serious effort to sort herself out. As someone said early in the thread, tough love required. Money lessons have to be learned by everyone and the sooner the better.

Again, good advice.

In fact, everyone on here has given such good advice, and has been so supportive. Thank you. :j All I need to do is figure out how to gently tell her that we won't be supplying any more money. Maybe I should tell her we have financial problems (that we don't want to talk about,) and we may not be able to help her out financially this year, so she best be careful, and budget her money better.

I want to get it across that we can't/won't give her anything, but I don't want to be cruel or harsh or make her think that she can't turn to us and has to take out payday loans and suchlike.

The upshot is though is that the money she is given (via loans/grant/bursary,) is more than enough to live on, especially with her part time job as well: IF she doesn't spend on stuff she doesn't need!

Oh and re; the food parcel/parent-student card; we have a parent-student card, and I think we may put the odd tenner on that (maybe once a fortnight,) so we don't seem too harsh and mean, but as some people have said, although it's a good idea to buy them food; it does free up money for them to spend on frivolities!

What a dilemma!

Thanks again ... You're all very kind.

Birdie85

I would agree that the tattoo *is* an issue, it doesn't matter that the OP doesn't like tattoos, but it does matter that it is a very frivolous spend when you're short on money. If it had been spent on a pair of shoes or a bag, the issue would be the same, she has wasted half of the money that her parents gave her to make sure that she had enough to eat. I would definitely be bringing it up from a point of view of 'Why the hell are you wasting our money on things you don't need?' and stop giving handouts. By the third year of uni she should have gotten the hang of budgeting and living off a small income.

I wouldn't be surprised if all of these trips have been put on a CC so expect a bit of fallout some time down the line when she admits to having a lot of debt... but it's hers to deal with and all you can do is point her in the direction of DFW.

Person_one

An honest conversation sounds like the way forward.

Be truthful, tell her what you've told us, that you don't mind stepping in if she's in genuine trouble and unable to manage, but that you feel let down when you give her money that's supposed to be for food and bills and then see her buying tattoos and iPads.

Personally, I'd tell her that if she gets into bother again, you won't be helping her until you've seen evidence that she's sold her iPad and other consumer goodies on ebay first, and that she's looking for a new job. I bet you won't be asked again.

Mojisola

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

This is what I am worried about. I don't want to keep throwing money at her anymore, and I do agree that we have been foolish in giving her so much all the time. However, I don't want her to feel that she can't come to us if she does run out of money again, and that she can't depend on the two people in the world she should be able to depend on; her parents.

The problem is that while she knows that you will hand over money, she may never learn to live within her means.

You need to tell her in advance that the bank of Mum and Dad is closing its doors - don't wait until she is in trouble to refuse more money - and tell her that you will help her with her budget if she wants you to so that she doesn't get into debt. Isn't that what you have to do every month?

Littlebettyboop

Birdie85 wrote: »

I would agree that the tattoo *is* an issue, it doesn't matter that the OP doesn't like tattoos, but it does matter that it is a very frivolous spend when you're short on money. If it had been spent on a pair of shoes or a bag, the issue would be the same, she has wasted half of the money that her parents gave her to make sure that she had enough to eat. I would definitely be bringing it up from a point of view of 'Why the hell are you wasting our money on things you don't need?' and stop giving handouts. By the third year of uni she should have gotten the hang of budgeting and living off a small income.

I wouldn't be surprised if all of these trips have been put on a CC so expect a bit of fallout some time down the line when she admits to having a lot of debt... but it's hers to deal with and all you can do is point her in the direction of DFW.

Person_one wrote: »

An honest conversation sounds like the way forward.

Be truthful, tell her what you've told us, that you don't mind stepping in if she's in genuine trouble and unable to manage, but that you feel let down when you give her money that's supposed to be for food and bills and then see her buying tattoos and iPads.

Personally, I'd tell her that if she gets into bother again, you won't be helping her until you've seen evidence that she's sold her iPad and other consumer goodies on ebay first, and that she's looking for a new job. I bet you won't be asked again.

Mojisola wrote: »

The problem is that while she knows that you will hand over money, she may never learn to live within her means.

You need to tell her in advance that the bank of Mum and Dad is closing its doors - don't wait until she is in trouble to refuse more money - and tell her that you will help her with her budget if she wants you to so that she doesn't get into debt. Isn't that what you have to do every month?

Thanks guys,

And yes Person One, I think we do need to have a conversation with her, gently and calmly without upsetting her. But we do need to get it across to her that we are disappointed that she is spending money on crap and then taking it off us. To be honest, this is not the first time that she has cried poverty and had money off us, and then a week or two later, she gets her highlights done! :mad:

Oh I know she's just a young person who hasn't found her feet in life yet (OR her financial sense ) but still, we have to make a stand soon, or things are going to turn bad for her, when she has no-one to bail her out.