Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

quidsy

My aunt did a monthly staple shop for both her kids at uni. She would order online, arrange for it to be delivered & ensured they had food at least, pasta, jars of sauce, soup, cereal etc.


Your daughter is being a typical of her age. She will spend when she has it & cry poverty when not without realizing that her spending is part of the problem. Cut off the hand outs & maybe just send food packages regularly

Littlebettyboop

More great answers. I really do appreciate all the answers and the honesty. I am not sure what I expected, but you have all been really nice and kind but given constructive criticism that I can work on. I shall be back later to check on anymore answers, and will show thread this to my husband when he comes in. Thank you. Catch ya later.

Mojisola

quidsy wrote: »

Cut off the hand outs & maybe just send food packages regularly

While she has the money to spend on luxuries, I wouldn't even do this.

firebird082

If she's got an overdraft and a loan, then she is not in any danger of starving. Stop giving her money (and no need for food packages either!). If she comes and asks for money and is desperate, if possible sit down with her and go through her finances with her, that way you will get the full story and can see the facts for yourself. (I say this as someone who is now financially responsible, but was quite frivolous with it right through my student years and early twenties - not quite as bad as your daughter, but certainly living beyond my means).

As everyone else has said - the tattoos are a separate issue. Either don't respond, or a short one to say that it is her choice, but you don't like them and would rather not see them.

Good luck!

FBaby

If her income is higher than most students, why would you order her food and other items? She SHOULD be managing everything on what she is receiving, that's the whole point. I really think there is no other way for her to learn than by really learning. Learning to budget is one thing, but learning not rely on others is the hardest lesson to take in. She won't get it as long as you are there to provide for her in any way.

thorsoak

Your daughter's body is hers - not yours. Like you, I hate tattoos - but it doesn't stop one of my sons, and my daughter having tattoos (fortuntely both have kept them discreet. But all you can say is "personally, I hate them".

What you can do is shut the bank of Mum and Dad. As others have said, students are always skint, and their priorities are not ours. Therefore, just stop giving her money/food because whilst you continue to do this, she will accept it - and spend her money on everything that she considers important.

Accept the fact that she is now an adult and let her make her own mistakes from now on! Broken record mode "sorry, can't help you out any more" ....practise it!

fairy_lights

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

Oh re the tattoo; I will take your advice and not have a go, but just say we don't like them....

Why say anything about it at all? If you don't like tattoos that's your business, there's no reason to mention it unless she specifically asks for your opinion.

Flyonthewall

When she realised she wasn't get the job back and she had spent more than she could afford. At that point she realised she'd messed up.

That was a lesson to her that she needs to be more careful and handle money better. However, she quickly learnt a new lesson when you bailed her out. She learnt that if she sounds sad enough and moans enough you'll give her money.

So you need to stop giving her money. Let her learn the hard way.

As for the tattoos, she already knows you don't like them. Telling her your angry and upset didn't do anything last time and won't this time either. So you can either just ignore anything regarding it or you can just accept it. If you like the actual image then maybe comment on that and try and forget where that image is.

She's at uni, she's trying to find herself and maybe now she's being a bit more of a rebel. She may regret it, but it'll teach her not to rush into such decisions and when she then has to find work after uni she'll hopefully be more grown up about things and think things through.

Laurensalive

Do not give her money. If you need to give her anything then go to somewhere like Sainsburys and buy her a grocery card. These can only be spent on food. I would tackle her at xmas and explain she needs to stick to a budget for the essentials. As Mum and Dad cannot afford it. I would show her your own budget. Then sit her down with hers. Explaining when she leaves uni these are all the things she will need to pay for. She might save a little. You may have to tell her more than once. A weekly email reminder too maybe.

Hope this helps.

Trek_girl

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

Thank you .... for not calling me a fool! :rotfl:

We are all fools for love!

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

There are worse people who she knows, I mean one lad has his parents throw a couple of hundred a month at him for sundries, and they pay his rent in full AND still pay for his mobile phone! He is 23!

He might be laughing now, but look at my post above with the worst case scenarios he could be heading towards. At school teenagers moan that so and so is allowed to come home whatever time she pleases and can smoke etc. They seem to be living the life, but the parents are not actually helping, are they?

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

Or do people just suggest we help her out with food but no money at all?

Yes – my suggestion would be to buy her the following. I don’t know if a supermarket drop off would work where she lives. Maybe you could ask her to pick a delivery slot time.
Buy her the following;
£5 – one of those enormous bags of spiral pasta (I would have suggested a sack of potatoes but they will go off if she can’t be bothered to prepare them and pasta will last)
£ 10 – Ten jars of pasta sauce, (you could get about 20 jars of own brand for that money)
£6 – Two extra large boxes of the cereal she likes
£ 5 – Five containers of long life milk
£ 5 – some baked beans
£5 – ten packets of pot noodle (shop brand)

So including delivery charge that is about £40 so that you have peace of mind she is not going to starve. You can do this at the beginning of each term. *Edited, thinking about it, it would probably be better to do this a few weeks into term, so that she has already budgeted for her groceries and done some shopping. This is just a back up, in all honesty she will only eat *cereal, beans on toast, pot noodle and pasta* on a cycle if she is really broke and not by choice, so it is unlikely she will use all this up at the beginning of term.


Storage will not be a problem as these are all dry goods and can stay in her room, even in a plastic crate under her bed)

Littlebettyboop wrote: »

It's going to be hard, and I am not sure what we are going to say if she asks for some money... I guess we will have to think. Any suggestions anyone? [IMG]file:///C:\Users\Tapiwa\AppData\Local\Temp\msohtmlclip1\01\clip_image001.gif[/IMG]

Sweetheart, we love you but you need to learn to stand on your own two feet and learn to manage your money as we will not always be around.


*cries “you are so horrible to me!”
We are sorry you feel that way, we love you very much which is why we want you to learn how to be a self sufficient adult.


*”it’s because you hate my tattoo!!1!” – we have already said we are not fond of the tattoo but respect it as your choice. The point is you spent a lot of money you did not have and are now asking us for more, we can not enable you, and perhaps we were wrong not to do this before. You have enough money from your student loan and bursary to live on if you manage it properly, and if you want to take a job to supplement your income, that is another choice you have, but we are not part of your budget any more’.