Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

Person_one

gonzo127 wrote: »

i agree, just cut funding, if she is claiming poverty for food, sign up for online food shopping (tesco etc) where she lives and order her a food parcel to be delivered, but stop sending her actual cash

This is a good idea, and also if she says she needs money to meet a credit card payment, pay the rent, gas bill etc. then get account numbers and pay direct rather than handing over the cash.

(I'm assuming you'd rather not see her get into real trouble for now.)

gonzo127

Person_one wrote: »

This is a good idea, and also if she says she needs money to meet a credit card payment, pay the rent, gas bill etc. then get account numbers and pay direct rather than handing over the cash.

(I'm assuming you'd rather not see her get into real trouble for now.)

just be careful with this as she could soon realise that she can spend her money on what she wants, and you will pay all the bills, so it has to be managed properly

Person_one

gonzo127 wrote: »

just be careful with this as she could soon realise that she can spend her money on what she wants, and you will pay all the bills, so it has to be managed properly

Absolutely, don't offer in advance!

I do want to say, don't panic, too. As I say its pretty normal, and loads of us (yes I include myself) who were a bit rubbish with money go on to be perfectly responsible, financially savvy adults who aren't in loads of debt and manage our money well. If you've put the groundwork in while she's been at home, it will re-assert itself once she's out of that student haze, I'm sure.

bagpussbear

I think you need to emotionally separate the tattoos and the spending, as really they are two different issues.

Tattoos - there is nothing you can do, if she wants to tattoo her whole body then she will. Your opinion one way or another is unlikely to get her to stop. I don't think you have to answer her when she asks if you like it.

On the money issue, she has taken advantage but at the end of the day you have the power here, and I think you need to stop forking out. Agree with others, maybe send the odd food parcel to help her keep going. I think you are within your rights to say calmly to her that you feel she has taken advantage, and that although you will help her out with food she is just going to have to learn to manage her spending now.

Littlebettyboop

Thank you so much everyone for all your clear and concise and sensible replies and for not calling me a fool! :rotfl: Your answers are amazing! :j

I guess we have been mulling over whether to confront her or not; but the general consensus seems to be to say nothing about her bad money management, but stop dishing out money to her. Her dad is absolutely furious with her, and I am actually a bit upset and hurt. All this money we have given her and all the pleading poverty she has done, and she spends £150 on a tattoo!

We do actually have a student/ parent card from a particular foodstore that we have put money on in the past £20 here, £25 there (in addition to the other stuff!) but this store closed down last October, (in her part of town,) and it moved 3 miles away, so she stopped going; so we stopped topping up the card. I suppose she could get the bus though...

It's a good idea, but even so, if we gave her say for example £20 a week food, this would still allow her extra money for frivolities and cra@p. wouldn't it? So is it a good idea to give her anything at all? Even food packages/credit on a card? Or do people just suggest we help her out with food but no money at all?

There are worse people who she knows, I mean one lad has his parents throw a couple of hundred a month at him for sundries, and they pay his rent in full AND still pay for his mobile phone! He is 23!

Still, she is taking liberties, and you are all right, we do have to be tough. It's going to be hard, and I am not sure what we are going to say if she asks for some money... I guess we will have to think. Any suggestions anyone?

Oh re the tattoo; I will take your advice and not have a go, but just say we don't like them....

System

you cant tell her what she can do with her money or her body unfortunately but you do have control over the money you give her which enables her to do these things.

In a nutshell she is taking the pee.

FBaby

How about being totally honest with her and tell her how you feel? Leave the tatoo alone indeed, that's is YOUR issue, not hers, but in regards to the money, you need to tell her how upset and disappointed you are. After all, if you keep handing it to her and never say anything, how is she to understand that you are not happy with it?

onomatopoeia99

Her body, her choice as you say. You don't have to fund her choices though. Let her know she needs to budget more carefully in future as you are no longer able to help her out when she overspends. She'll have to learn sometime, might as well be now.

Primrose

Well the sonner you stop encouraging your daughter to live financially irresponsibly the more favours you will be doing her. She can have a tatto and starve. She's an adult now. That's her choice.

Just tell her you hate the tattoo but she has made her choice and must now decide how she going to find the money to live on because the bank of Mu and Dad has run dry. No arguments, no persuasion, no more emotional blackmai. JUST SAY SORRY BUT NO MORE MONEY !

Trek_girl

It is better for her to see what the consequences of spending without budgeting are in this small scale rather than later on in life.

If you continue down this track the lesson you are teaching her is;
* there is no need to really budget or plan ahead for important bills, someone else will bail me out - friends, partners, the state
* mum and dad will cough up and rescue me when I spend recklessly
* I can have all the nice things that catch my eye, there is no link to budget, saving or what I can afford.


At this stage if you show tough love as recommended above;
* she will get some bank overdraft charges,
* she will find herself being unable to join in with fun her friends are having,
* her expensive TV will be taken away with nothing to show for it.
THEN SHE WILL LEARN HER LESSON (hopefully)

If you carry on bailing her out she will end up (worst case scenario);
* possibly losing her house due to not having developed the skills to managing money
* poor spending habits causing stress in her marriage/relationships and friendships damaged as she moves on to asking other people for money
* your own financial position being affected as you are retirement age and have a spendthrift child with their hand always out.