Hi all. Another (VERY LONG) dilemma

Littlebettyboop

I hope you have a while to read through it. It's a bit long so I can explain the backstory...

I got some great advice from you guys a couple of weeks ago, regarding my husband threatening to ring in sick at work over Christmas, so I would appreciate some advice/kind words/help/support/a telling off if I am being melodramatic/anything really to stop me going mad!

OK, our daughter is at university and has been for 2 years (now starting her third year...) and I have to say she has always been a good kid; no drugs, never smoked, never got into a bad crowd, she never came in any later than 10pm, even at 17 or 18. We have always had a good relationship with her.

We are not on a massive income (OK but not massive,) and when she started university, she got the maintenance loan, a grant, and also a bursary (of about £140 a month I think.) So she had enough to live on, and more money than around 85% of the students at the university. In fact, she didn’t even need to work!

In year one; halfway through her second term, she (annoyingly) squandered £350 on an ipad that she didn’t need! She did get a part time job (10 hours a week) around March (2014,) and was there for 2.5 months, and then came home for summer (late May,) and said she would go back to the job in September.

She basically spent all her money including her £1.5K overdraft that the bank gave her, as she didn’t have a summer job because she went travelling with her mates for 6-7 weeks. And also went on holiday with her boyfriend for 3 weeks. But it was OK because she was getting her job back in September!!! She basically spent the money like it was going out of fashion despite our pleas for her to stop spending. She also bought a telly on finance - £450. Again we pleaded for her to not waste the money. She still did.

Well of course they didn’t give her the job back did they?! So she was going to have to start her new academic year in 2014 with her £1.5K overdraft maxed out, no job, and this telly on finance, which had to be paid off by December or the interest would soar, and the cost would be £850! We were very annoyed with her for spending so frivolously, but she is our daughter and we love her, so we helped her financially. She said what am I gonna do??? And was in tears.... So we gave her £300 to help her out. (To last her from early/mid August to late September when she got her student finance... and to keep her away from her overdraft limit...)

She seemed to struggle very badly for several months, especially as she had to pay off the telly, and she couldn’t get another job, and we seemed to be handing her bits of money from early October through to February/March (2015) when she finally got a job. We gave her £35 here, £50 there, £45 here, £65 there, and £150 Christmas money. This was despite not being loaded ourselves and her having the full loan and grant and her bursary. We probably gave her £500-£600 in total. Also, she lives rent free all the time she is home and gets food bought and gets run around in the car whenever she needs a lift, and we never ask for a penny.

In April this year, she got a tattoo. I am not fond of them (sorry,) and I was actually quite upset and annoyed and made her promise she would not have any more. She said ‘I can’t promise...’ Her dad was gutted. It was a small one on her thigh, but still a tattoo! Also they don’t come cheap!

This past 6 months has not been too bad for her financially, but we did give her a hundred pounds in May to help her out with food etc, (as her student finance from April was running dry, and she wasn't always getting a lot of hours offered in her job.) And then we gave her a couple of hundred pounds in July, as her account was very low... Also, she never had a job in the summer holiday AGAIN, because she had two 3-week placements - that she 'had' to go on as part of her degree course, in the 12 weeks she was here, which made it hard for her to get even a temp job. (Although, she did have her job back at her university town to go back to in early September...)

Then when we took her back to university in early Sept, we gave her some more money, via a larder full of shopping, (£80 worth,) £125 in her account, (because her student finance doesn't go in her bank til late September,) and also £50 spending money for a 3 day trip she went on with her mates (which they allegedly paid for...) She has been on 3 trips abroad in the last year,, but always claims someone else is paying; ‘rich pal’ or ‘boyfriend’ or it’s paid for by the university.

Well, as I said, we gave her a shed load of money out of our hard earned cash these past few months (prob 4 hundred in total.) And also around £600 at the end of last year/start of this year.

Well she started work 2 weeks ago, and last Friday, she got about £300 wages. (She is working quite a number of hours, as her course doesn’t start til late September.)

Here’s the thing,...............Her dad and I were knocked sideways yesterday, when she announced to us that she had got another tattoo! It was a huge one (about 4-5 inches long,) on her back.

First of all, we are gutted that she has got another tattoo. (Her life, her body I know, but she is our beautiful daughter.) And secondly, this tattoo must have cost £150 plus. She constantly claims poverty; she has mentioned how poor she is about a dozen times this year! And although she doesn't ask us for money very often, she moans so much about it and gets so upset at being 'poor,' that we feel compelled to give her money to help her out.

She seems to be broke half the time, but sometimes rocks up in a new dress, new boots or shoes, and has her hair restyled and recoloured every 2 months, she gets her nails done once a month, and also seems to go away often (although – as I said – she always claims someone else is paying!)

And now, after us bailing her out again and again,and her cries of poverty only a few weeks ago; the first £300 she gets, she squanders £150 on a tattoo!

Me and her father were gobsmacked and didn’t know what to say yesterday, and she sent a pic saying ‘I hope you like it...’ with a smiley face next to it.

Well you know what: I DON’T like it (sorry to tattoo fans) but I don’t want my daughter covered in tattoos; I am worried she will regret it. Also, her father and I – are absolutely enraged that she has spent this amount of money, when she claims poverty so often. Moreover, she has not ever offered us any of the money back that we have given her. In fact, the last £125 we gave to her, I said ‘you can have this to tide you over and just give it back when you can,’ because I felt like we had given her a lot already, and it wouldn’t hurt her to give us something back.

So what do we do now? Tell her we are angry and upset at the tattoo and the money it cost when she keeps claiming poverty and we keep dishing out money? Or just say we are upset at the tattoo and never want her to have another (Tho that never worked last time!) Or say nothing but never give her any more money? Or are we over reacting? Even so, why should we have to keep doling out money for her to spend willy nilly on crap? She is nearly 21 FGS!

We have thought about nothing else for 24 hours. Found it hard to sleep even.

I don’t want her upset as she is 150 miles from home, but we are both livid to be honest.

I know you probably think ‘mug/fool/twit’ for us dishing out money to her, but she is our daughter and we want her to enjoy life and enjoy university and travel if and when she can, and not have to worry about much. But I feel she has crossed the line now.

Any advice anyone. I don’t want to be nasty to her or upset her, but what can I say/do? I don’t want her to think she can’t turn to us, but I feel she is taking the P now! As i said, she doesn't ask for money often (she has maybe asked 4 or 5 times since she started university; the other times, we have offered it) but we feel we have to give it her when she is in tears on the phone because she has no money. I know she brings it on herself but i feel bad for her.

ttoli

She doesn't need to budget whilst Mum and Dad keep bailing her out, time for some tough love I think.

Out,_Vile_Jelly

She's a student. They eat salad cream sandwiches for tea because they're poor, but can always afford booze, music and clothes. If she's not asking for money, don't give. Ignore the moanings about being skint; if it's that bad she'll have to get another job.

The tattoo issue is something separate that you are going to have to deal with, as if she's got the bug she'll soon be covered. She is an adult now and you may not like some of the decisions she makes.

Mrshaworth2b

From your post you can see that even though she says she has no money actually she is not starving, struggling to survive day to day. So she is taking you both for mugs.

At some point you need to say no more. If she wants to cover herself in tattoos there is little you can do as she is 21 and a adult. You can be dissapointed but that's all really. She will have to look at them when she's an old lady not you.

In regards to the money, stop, or just actually buy things with the money I.e. food, stationary supplies etc. That way you know that your hard earned pennies are being spent on things she needs rather than a new dress or nails. Your daughter is not going to learn to stand on her own two feet or to budget with money if you keep bailing her out.

Guest101

Fairly straight forward from what i can tell:

1: Tattoo: Hi __, we're glad you like it, but your dad and I aren't fond of tattoo's.
- You've made it clear, but not controlling her decisions (which you cant and shouldnt anyway - if nothing else it will push her to make worse ones!)

2: Re the money, say nothing now. Next time she asks, say you haven't got it. Student survive on noodles all the time, i suspect she's developed a rich taste.

gonzo127

i agree, just cut funding, if she is claiming poverty for food, sign up for online food shopping (tesco etc) where she lives and order her a food parcel to be delivered, but stop sending her actual cash

PlymouthMaid

For my daughter (and yours I think) being skint means not having money which you wish to waste on the tedious things in life such as food and bills but still having enough for outings, booze, holidays and gadgets. I think she has been a little naughty in using your obvious kindness and love for her to her advantage.

pandora205

Well sadly you've been enabling your daughter's spending for a long time now and it's a bit of a habit. Time to say no more and let her work out what to do... Her debt is her problem not yours.

Re. the tattoo, she's 20 I presume so can make her own decisions about her body (and lots of other things too). You can disapprove but she is no longer a child - she's a young woman. She can make her own decisions and face the consequences of them.

Person_one

The tattoo thing - let it drop. Her body, her choice, she's an adult and it doesn't matter at all if you don't like them. I'm not keen on most tattoos either so I do sympathise, but really, its not your business now she's over 18!

The money. Well, to be honest it doesn't sound as if she's all that different to loads of students all over the country! Its a learning curve, they're on their first taste of independent living and money managing and they often go a bit mad, buy daft stuff, get into a bit of debt and end up eating cereal and Smart Price beans for the last few weeks of each term. Completely normal, although frustrating for you to see it happening!

I think I'd send her the link to the article on this site about credit records. She needs to know that if she misses payments on credit cards/overdrafts/HP etc. then she'll be screwing her credit for 6 years which have a big impact on her in her twenties.

GoldenShadow

A big part of being a student is being skint, she's learned how to play you.

For me, my motivation for getting my degree was to improve my job prospects to the point where I would (hopefully) never be that poor, ever again. If people dished money out to me I never would have known what it was like to have !!!!!! all. It was that feeling which motivated me.

melanzana

You want to cherish your child, make sure she is ok and all that, and that is absolutely fine.

It's when they start taking the proverbial mick at your expense for unnecessary things (that you have to subsidise one way or another) then you have to put the foot down.

As others have said, I would pay for a delivery of food. Pay for the essentials and pay it yourself, not by giving cash to your daughter, it will only end up in another tatoo or a holiday away.

Cruel to be kind, and that way, you are not denying her daily essentials.

Essentials are not wants lol.