Why I am still in this relationship?

fierystormcloud

justme111 wrote: »

Watch out as the horse you riding is very high. Half of us might not been here if it was not for women "forgetting" to take tablets.
OP must be researching how to sell the property if one of the owners is opposed to sale. .

What a strange post. So are you suggesting that half the women who have babies have purposely forgot to take their pills to deliberately get pregnant against the man's will?

I find that 100% unbelievable. Maybe some women do, but it is a low amount compared to the amount who choose to have a baby WITH their partner/husband.

I don't think anyone is sitting on a high horse, or acting high and mighty, just because they find it abhorrent to trap a man by deliberately becoming pregnant. It IS an abhorrent thing to do.

Gavin83 wrote: »

I was born to two loving parents who wanted me. I'm sure not everyone is this lucky and I can respect accidents happen but to bring a child into this world under such deceit doesn't strike me as a good start in life. Not only would such a woman strike me as a bad partner they'd also be a terrible mother and frankly such disgusting behaviour would lead me to think that such a woman isn't fit for parenthood. What kind of example could they possibly set their child?

People seemed to be suggesting marriage. I quite agree that if two partners can't agree on children then the relationship is doomed.

:T Well said Gavin.

tesuhoha wrote: »

I was in a similar situation once, although a little bit younger. I had been with this man for 4 years and he was really taking liberties. So one day I came out and asked him 'Do you ever intend to marry me?' (Not that I was keen). He said no, so I said okay then. It gave me the excuse. I moved out the following day. Never regretted it for a second. I suppose it was easier for me as the fat was only rented.

Eventually, he came after me but it was too late, and I had also met someone else. So you should follow your escape instincts before you get another day older.

This ^^^ To the OP; if a man won't commit after seven years, it's time to walk. He doesn't want to spend his life with you; if he did, he would not be treating you like he is.

NightOwl67

fashionvictim wrote: »

Hi, I'll try and make a long story short

I'm 35, Boyfriend is 41.Brought our my flat with my Boyfriend 4 years ago and we have been together 7 years.

Not engaged, not married, no kids, but the boyfriend says he has said wants all these things. However he has one 'excuse' after another over the years for why none of these things he 'really' wants can't happen....yet

Reasons have included, but not limited to

-He needs a new car
-We need to have the bathroom refitted
-I need to earn more ( note he has not increased his income at all)
- The dog is ill
- We need to save up for a new sofa/ fridge/ front door/ rug/ cushion

Some of his previous list of reasons not to start a family was my debts. Which I have no completely paid off, I have a well paid job now and even had the bathroom redone.

So they other night I asked him, if we could finally start a family and the only excuse he could come up with was my personality.

Literally why if I have such a bad personality would he be with me for 7 years ( apart from he needing me to pay half of everything) ??? :mad:

I just feel I have wasted the last 7 years, if I leave I know he will not agree to sell our flat. And with prices as they are in the south east neither of us could afford to buy or rent somewhere equivalent solo.

So annoyed I spent my savings on a new bathroom and i've prob missed out on having a family because I am with someone who will always have an excuse.

Feeling sorry for myself as if I leave I will have to go live with parents aged 35, and they have a pretty tiny place, miles from where I live now. I relocated 'here' when I met my boyfriend.

I feel unmotivated to go back to the start again

Hi, this sounds similar to a situation I was in. I was with my ex for eleven years, on and off although we didn't live together, and he kept making promises that we would get married but oddly it never happened as he kept coming up with excuses. We did eventually get engaged rather bizarrely, but three months later he sent me a text to say it was all off! This was two months after my dad had had a massive stroke and was very poorly in hospital..! In a way I felt relieved as it was finally over and because of his many excuses and stringing me along it had made me come to resent him. I can now see him for the coward he is (he never even phoned me to explain his actions). Fast forward three years and I met a fantastic chap (online dating!!) and we are now engaged and he is 100% reliable unlike my ex. The only thing was I never wanted children but if I had I would have wasted my entire thirties as that was when I was with my ex. You are still young enough to have what you want OP, don't let this man mess you about any longer.

Beccawte

Similar thing happened to me recently although we weren't living together. We had been together for 6 years and he knew I wanted to buy a house, get married have kids etc. However, he was always putting barriers in the way throughout our relationship. Eventually we broke up yesterday after countless 'breaks'.

I would suggest you have 'the talk' with him first to discover where you both are and what you both want from life. I know it's hard but it's important to understand if you're on the same page.

It will be really hard at first but it's so worth it when you take time to find yourself again and rediscover your ambitions in life.

Please don't waste your life with somebody who doesn't want the same things as you, life's too short!

fashionvictim

Beccawte wrote: »

Similar thing happened to me.....Eventually we broke up yesterday after countless 'breaks'.

Ohhh dear I really feel for you. My update is very similar, I honestly have given up, so I guess we nearly broke up. I have moved out.

We did have another serious chat after all the great advice on here and he moved to sleep the spare room. After many days of him sulking in the spare room but not actually communicating at all. I said I was moving out in a weeks time. The delay was only due to some things I had committed to around the area we live. I don't think he believed me even when I started packing, but I have moved out.

I actually have felt exhausted all the emotion, he says he still needs to think. He is contacting me but says nothing about the situation just general normal chat.

I have given him very clear options. I would cut contact whilst he thinks, but we have the property together and the dog situation which is very tense. I am not expecting any positive real progress.

We can do better. Still sucks though

Beccawte

Oh bless you. You have totally done the right thing. Sounds like he hasn't realised what he's lost! It may sound stupid but I've actually written down all the bad points of our relationship to look over when I'm struggling during the day. This may help you too. It is emotionally draining I agree. Try and focus on working out the house/dog situation so you can start moving on

dandelionclock30

For me the worst thing he has done is when he said because of your personality. That would have been enough for me, you deserve much, much better than him.
You have done right moving out, dont have him back, get out with your mates/colleagues/family and even by yourself and meet new people. Life is too short to spend it with time wasters and with a partner who doesnt adore you.
Obviously you have things to sort out and your dog, but please put yourself first. Hes not for you and has strung you along long enough.

indiepanda

benjus wrote: »

Seems like a pretty sexist view to me. Most forms of contraception involve the woman putting hormones into her body or having some kind of device put into her body. These options are not appealing to some women. Are they supposed to just put up with it because their partner doesn't want to use condoms?

My girlfriend (now wife) decided she didn't want to continue taking the pill (it was messing with her hormones) and didn't want to have some foreign object put inside her. So we used condoms long term (until starting to try for a baby). Not ideal but more acceptable than the alternatives. A woman has as much right to say she doesn't want to use contraceptives as a man does.

Sorry to go OT...

I agree - I have been seeing the same guy for not far off two years and he is quite content using condoms and it's so nice not to have been pushed into being on the pill as I was by all my ex's. The last time I was on it having been off for a while while I was single, I realised it was making me grumpy and less inclined to want sex, which I suppose made it an ideal way of avoiding getting pregnant but not much use in having a happy sex life!

I suspect the current boyfriend is happy using them because he doesn't want kids and so likes being actively involved in ensuring we don't.* However given one of my key criteria when searching for a boyfriend when internet dating was "doesn't want kids" as the idea horrifies me too, that's fine with me too. (* I know they aren't foolproof but so far so good... my fertility must be dropping off as am approaching 43 anyway).

As for the original thread topic, OP, sorry it didn't work out with you and your boyfriend, but I think you have made the right choice. It's not just that he doesn't want children and you do, but that it sounds pretty clear he has known for sometime he doesn't want them and instead of being honest about it he has just been stringing you along and reducing your chances of meeting someone else in time to start a family.

Am glad you haven't been trying the "let's get pregnant anyway" option. I think women who do that are really quite selfish and are thinking of what they want rather than what their children need. I know sometimes people become single parents for reasons entirely beyond their control, but to deliberately set out to do that just shocks me.

lazer

Some wives or girlfriends do trick their partners into having children but some (like me don't)

I have become very broody lately and have come off the pill because I do not trust myself and my subconscious to take it religiously - so we are relying on condoms as there is no way i would trick my husband and he isn't ready it, and may never be (I am 32 - so the clock is ticking!).

Other than the children issue, I am happy with him, but who knows what the future holds.

Angry_Bear

lazer wrote: »

Some wives or girlfriends do trick their partners into having children but some (like me don't)

I've just read through this thread and I'm really surprised by some of the views on how common "tricking" a partner into having a child is.

I get the impression that it's mostly men who think this is a really common thing, but maybe not. I was always really confident that this is surely a really rare happening by the sort of bottom-feeding women you would get on Jeremy Kyle type shows. But I'll admit that's down to my own prejudice because I think it's a truly horrible thing to do and is something I'd never ever consider.

But now I'm wondering - do people really think that women deliberately getting pregnant even though they know their partner doesn't want kids is common?

FBaby

But now I'm wondering - do people really think that women deliberately getting pregnant even though they know their partner doesn't want kids is common?

No-one can know because those who do would never admit to it. The reality around me though is that every single female I know who has fallen pregnant by 'accident' have been those who did admit they wouldn't mind -or would love- to become a mum. The friends who I know truly didn't want to become pregnant somehow have never had accidents...so yes, it does make you wonder!