Why I am still in this relationship?

fashionvictim

Hi, I'll try and make a long story short

I'm 35, Boyfriend is 41.Brought our my flat with my Boyfriend 4 years ago and we have been together 7 years.

Not engaged, not married, no kids, but the boyfriend says he has said wants all these things. However he has one 'excuse' after another over the years for why none of these things he 'really' wants can't happen....yet

Reasons have included, but not limited to

-He needs a new car
-We need to have the bathroom refitted
-I need to earn more ( note he has not increased his income at all)
- The dog is ill
- We need to save up for a new sofa/ fridge/ front door/ rug/ cushion

Some of his previous list of reasons not to start a family was my debts. Which I have no completely paid off, I have a well paid job now and even had the bathroom redone.

So they other night I asked him, if we could finally start a family and the only excuse he could come up with was my personality.

Literally why if I have such a bad personality would he be with me for 7 years ( apart from he needing me to pay half of everything) ??? :mad:

I just feel I have wasted the last 7 years, if I leave I know he will not agree to sell our flat. And with prices as they are in the south east neither of us could afford to buy or rent somewhere equivalent solo.

So annoyed I spent my savings on a new bathroom and i've prob missed out on having a family because I am with someone who will always have an excuse.

Feeling sorry for myself as if I leave I will have to go live with parents aged 35, and they have a pretty tiny place, miles from where I live now. I relocated 'here' when I met my boyfriend.

I feel unmotivated to go back to the start again

PlymouthMaid

Hmm. If you really want kids then you are going to have to move on from this man who seems happy to waste your childbearing years. He seems to be very selfish. I feel for you but time is running out.

pinkshoes

Ultimatum time! Tell him just what you have written.

Either he wants to be with you, to start a family and get married, or he doesn't. Give him 48 hours to make his mind up otherwise it is over.

My ex was like this, and for the third time in 5 years together he decided he wasn't sure how he felt. I felt like an idiot, as we'd just been to a lovely wedding abroad for one of his family, and there was me thinking marriage, kids... He said he needed time to think, so I told him he should know by now if he wanted to be with me, so it was over. I was almost 30.

(I'm now 35, married, with a 4 year old and pregnant with twins, so never say never...)

PeacefulSlumber

Oh sweetie, this post is heart breaking, I really feel for you.

I don't think this man has any intention of starting a family with you or anyone else but unfortunately he is wasting your child bearing years stringing you along.
What on earth is so bad about your personality anyway?

I can understand waiting till you are financially ready but now you are it's cruel to make you wait again.

I had my second child at 37 and getting pregnant at all was hard so you cannot afford to wait any longer. In your shoes I would give him a very short deadline to get on board with the idea or your out the door.

whether this man has the right sort of 'personality' to share the wonderful joys and ongoing pressures of parenthood with you is something only you will know.

Good luck

xx

cavework

Why would you have to leave?
Tell him, you , your new bathroom and the dog can do fine without him and it's time he moved on..
Put this one down to experience (not one to be repeated) and get out there and find someone who appreciates you
www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuLzFziL6fI

xxx

dirty_magic

Are you happy with him aside from the marriage and kids issue? It doesn't sound like you are. If you were really happy with him then leaving might just make you unhappy, because there's no guarantee you'll meet someone else to have kids with (unless you plan to do it on your own). But if you're not happy with him then you're wasting your time, because even if you do run out of time to have kids then at least you'll have chance to find someone who does make you happy.

He's 41 so it doesn't sound like he's ever likely to change his mind if he doesn't want it now. I think it's time to spell it out to him that you're thinking of leaving, because it sounds like he knows he'll lose you if he's honest that he doesn't really want kids.

dirty_magic

cavework wrote: »

Put this one down to experience (not one to be repeated) and get out there and find someone who appreciates you
xxx

I think this makes it sound like he's not a nice person! It's not necessarily that he doesn't appreciate her, I think it just sounds like he doesn't want kids but doesn't want to admit it because he knows she'll leave. It's cowardly but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about her.

bagpussbear

I really feel for you.

It does sound like he doesn't really want the marriage and kids thing, but he has been selfish to string you along.

Please expand on what he said about your personality? and what was your response?

It's crunch time. Have a talk with him and say that you are deeply hurt and you want the marriage and kiddies, otherwise you need to go your separate ways. See what his response is.

But with any ultimatum, we must face the fact we may not get the answer we want. I just don't think this guy is going to budge, especially as he is 41.

As for the flat, well if you both own it, he has to either buy you out, or sell it. Obviously get some legal advice about this though.

Prothet_of_Doom

41 ?
He doesn't want kids.
Simple !
You'll probably find he's been looking at DIY vasectomies on You Tube.

Don't give him an ultimatum.

Tell him straight. like this:
You: Do you want kids?
Him: Not sure.
You: I don't want kids.
Him: That's a relief. I'm so glad.
You: No actually I do. I want one in 9 months and 2 days. But now I know that you don't, it would be unfair to force you, so I'm going to suggest I move out, and you rent out the spare room, to pay my sahre of the bills, whilst we try to sell the house, and I go off to look for Mr Right, who does want kids.

Ref looking for Mr Right, There are plenty of blokes, who do want to be married and have kids, although they may have baggage. No idea where you find one.

cavework

dirty_magic wrote: »

I think this makes it sound like he's not a nice person! It's not necessarily that he doesn't appreciate her, I think it just sounds like he doesn't want kids but doesn't want to admit it because he knows she'll leave. It's cowardly but it doesn't mean he doesn't care about her.

Not saying he is not a 'nice person' but with the latest excuse being the OP's personality, this smacks of dishonesty and selfishness
If he really cared about her after 7 years he would understand that she entered this relationship with the intention of eventually having a family. If he does not want the same ,the kindest and most respectful way to treat her would to be totally honest and stop stringing her along

amistupid

cavework wrote: »

Not saying he is not a 'nice person' but with the latest excuse being the OP's personality

None of us know, what someone we don't know, thinks about the personality of someone else we don't know. If you see what I mean.