Why I am still in this relationship?

enthusiasticsaver

I don't see why you should have to leave your flat when it is half yours. Can you really see a future with this man, leaving aside the issue of kids? It sounds like you both want different things. When you bought the flat was there some sort of agreement on what would happen if you chose to go your separate ways? How do you arrange your finances - are the bills split down the middle? These are things you need to think about it but if I were you and really did not see a future with him then maybe it is time for you to get back out there and start socialising or internet dating to see if you can find someone who wants the same things you do? I would not leave the flat though but you may have to start seeing him as a flat mate rather than a boyfriend if he will not agree to sell or if one or other of you is not in a position to buy the other out.

VfM4meplse

What a horrible realisation you have made, you have my sympathy, OP. You have been well and truly milked for free!

Stake your territory (ie your home), and cut your losses but don't expect to to be easy to move on. The sooner you do it, the better.

LilElvis

amistupid wrote: »

None of us know, what someone we don't know, thinks about the personality of someone else we don't know. If you see what I mean.

Exactly. It could well be that he comes up with excuses to delay having a family because he is scared. It's a huge step to take - and one that you can't just shrug your shoulders and walk away from if it isn't what you imagined.

melloecastro

You deserve better! I was in a similar situation but mine was forced to a conclusion as I got pregnant and he walked out that day! Sadly lost the baby but I have now been someone else for two years who is right for me. we hope to have kids but even if we couldn't I would not want to be without him. That's the question you have to ask yourself- is he the right person for you regardless of having children. I also have friends who have chosen to go the donor route and have a baby alone too so there are other options to consider. Don't give up hope that you will find someone else/ have kids. People can have struggles conceiving at any age. 35 is young and you deserve to be happy and freedom is priceless if he is wrong for you! Look forward and not back. I refuse to see the 5 years I spent with my ex as a waste as I am a much stronger person now.

Snakey

First question: is this still the person you want to have kids with, or is he just the easy option because he's there?

Second question: would you want to stay in your flat if you split up - would you buy it today, as a single person?

There's not much point talking him round if you might end up as a single parent or being the one doing all the work while he says "well, I didn't want to have kids so why should I give anything up for them?"

And if you aren't bothered about the flat and want a new start, there's no conversation to be had there either. I'm pretty sure you can force him to either buy you out or put the place on the market - he can't just smirk and refuse to budge. You need to think about getting it on the market in the next month or so, as a lot of buyers want to be "in by Christmas" and house sales can take 12-16 weeks.

At 35 you don't have long if you want kids (assuming you don't want them with some guy you only just met), so don't mess around here. If this isn't going anywhere, or it isn't what you want any more anyway, put an end to it right away.

You could be back up in your home town in six months' time, with a nice new job and a stonking (in local terms) deposit for a flat, with this as a fading memory. Or whatever else it is that you want. Ask yourself: what do I want this Christmas to look like? And then work out what you need to do between now and then to make it happen.

Don't chase for a happy ever after in this relationship if it's not obvious that there will be one, or if you aren't 100% sure that it would be what you wanted anyway if you got it. You will never get that time and effort back no matter what you do - you need to draw a line and forget that. Work out what's best for yourself today and in the future. Don't throw good money after bad.

duchy

Is it a one or two bedroom flat ?
Eg is it big enough for you to stay whilst not together ?

gabriel1980

Well I guess you need to decide whether you want to be with him or you want kids, sounds like you can't have both. You need to ask him straight off.


Although it sounds kinda selfish forcing him to have children if he doesn't want them.

fairy_lights

fashionvictim wrote: »

So they other night I asked him, if we could finally start a family and the only excuse he could come up with was my personality.

What?! what on earth did he mean by that? :eek:

AubreyMac

If you want kids above all else, would you consider just getting pregnant by him anyway?

I know someone who wanted kids more than anything and her partner was dragging his feet. She did end up getting pregnant and luckily her partner stepped up (although she did want kids bad enough to be willing to be a single parent if necessary). Although I thought this was quite selfish, I do understand she couldn't have a child without a 'sperm donor'.

Ultimately, the one who does not want a child should be the one who ensures they (or their partner) do not end up pregnant.

liney

AubreyMac wrote: »

If you want kids above all else, would you consider just getting pregnant by him anyway?

I know someone who wanted kids more than anything and her partner was dragging his feet. She did end up getting pregnant and luckily her partner stepped up (although she did want kids bad enough to be willing to be a single parent if necessary). Although I thought this was quite selfish, I do understand she couldn't have a child without a 'sperm donor'.

Ultimately, the one who does not want a child should be the one who ensures they (or their partner) do not end up pregnant.

OMG! I know it's not a new thing, but still - OMG! I suppose she planned to get her CSA claim in nice and early too, had he not 'stepped up.'