Your partner doesn't drive, does it bother you?

maman

Loved the story Peter!:rotfl:


I've experienced people who've done it the other way round.


One had a toyboy but couldn't drive herself so she bought a car and paid all running costs. He did drive her around but only if it suited him.


The other (ironically DD of the above) happily contributed to running costs of BFs car and still does (although now married) but it is definitely his car and I'm sure he'd be very uncomfortable with her using it if she ever got around to learning to drive.


Although amusing on the surface it's the control aspect that bothers me. OK some women might feel cossetted by such behaviour but it's not for me.

CathA

Another interesting thing I've noticed is this. At my age (mid 50's) the world is divided quite sharply into drivers/non drivers-my age and younger tend to be drivers, older women (and I'm talking about women here, sorry if you think that's sexist!) tend not to be drivers. I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of women drivers of my acquaintance who are older than me, but can only think of 2 women younger than me who can't drive. Quite strange really, wonder what happened?

System

Quite strange really, wonder what happened?

In my case there was already one driver in the household and with 5 kids to raise money was always short. Driving lessons for me was not a priority. Paying bills, feeding and clothing the children was the number one priority.

duchy

I fall into Cath's criteria of not been supposed to be able to drive However when I was learning driving lessons were four or five pounds and hour - and I think to be added onto my 21 year old boyfriend's car insurance was about a fiver too. In my very broad social circle of fifty somethings (we come from all over the country and cross all classes) it's about sixty forty in favour of the non drivers though so I do think a lot of women in my age group didn't see driving as an automatic thing to learn to do. Thinking about it the majority of non drivers married young so perhaps Judi is right and in the one car per household era there wasn;t the need for a second driver or the desire to divert money to it. More women stayed home or worked part-time so less need for a second car to get kids to school before the Mum also rushing off to full-time work maybe ?

Learning wasn't the major expense it is now though- not just lessons and fuel costs but insurance makes owning a car for many young people an impossibility. With greater enviromental awareness too it appears plenty of young people don't see driving as the great be all and end all that the middle aged older people do. Learning to drive in case it might be useful at some future time seems a bit pointless and a bit of a waste of money when there's nothing to prevent you learning later on when and if you need to (and possibly can better afford it).

Sitting in a traffic jam every day going to work (whilst the train passes you on nearby track or a bus zooms past you in a bus lane) isn't everyone's idea of "freedom" or even fun !

The feeling that you MUST use the car sitting outside your home just because it's there - even when other options make better sense in terms of time and or cost -to me seems very restrictive and a healthier attitude is to be open to all available options.

Cottage_Economy

I'm 42 and I don't drive. About seven years ago I had lessons, and got as far as parking etc, but lost interest and motivation. Then at the end of 2013 I decided to study for my theory, mainly as I had just been made redundant and it was a cheap way of gaining a sense of accomplishment and the feeling that I was moving forward.

I was brought up in London by a mother that never learnt and a father who did, but hated it. We never had a car when I was growing up.

Hubby loves driving and insists on driving me everywhere, although sometimes I have to just go and get on a bus to get a bit of freedom and time to myself. We have a great bus service that stops at the end of my street and can get me to work, to my parents or into town for shopping depending on the direction I take.

Hubby's work is 10 minutes from mine so we go in together and he comes and picks me up at the end of the day. In this case, not running a second car has helped us save a lot of money in his pension. I cannot remember the last time I was inconvenienced by not having a car.

HOWEVER, I have just contacted my old driving instructor with a view to completing my driving lessons before November, when my theory expires.

It occurred to me recently that if hubby was injured or ill in some way, life would become very tough if he had to go to a lot of hospital appointments or have procedures where he couldn't drive. Relying on being able to get a taxi assumes that we would be in a position to afford one, and they are not cheap round my way (~£15-£17 to the hospital one way), and the last thing you would want when having, for example, chemo is to travel on a bus.

I'll probably only ever have it as an emergency skills, like swimming, but it will be there.

System

It occurred to me recently that if hubby was injured or ill in some way, life would become very tough if he had to go to a lot of hospital appointments or have procedures where he couldn't drive. Relying on being able to get a taxi assumes that we would be in a position to afford one, and they are not cheap round my way (~£15-£17 to the hospital one way), and the last thing you would want when having, for example, chemo is to travel on a bus.

Very true. Ive thought about this quite a lot. If i moved, i would be limited to places with a decent bus service.... if hubby had another stroke we would be stuffed for hospital appointments.

However, since he isnt encouraging and to be honest, i dont want to go back in the driving seat. Thinking about it is as much as i want to do.

pinpin

Good point about insurance/cost of car/petrol/MOT etc.
Something I often forget about whenever I say to myself ''Maybe I should try to learn to drive again!!''

I've always earnt around minimum wage when in employment, and I can't see that ever changing, so I'd barely be able to afford to run a car anyway!

sevenredpoppies

There does seem to be an enormous amount of pressure on your partner here, along with some fairly mixed messages. You don't want to be driving all the time but you don't want him to be getting taxis. You can't stay at his house but you don't want to drive all the time to collect him and drop him off again. You want him to save up but also expect him to spend a considerable amount on driving lessons and possibly multiple tests. I am saying this through experience of both anxiety and driving; first test failed when I was 18 and started lessons again 3 years ago, had over a years worth of lessons before I put in for a test again, failed 3 times, moved from the area and passed eventually on my 5th time after a 2 day intensive driving course, armed with an all or nothing attitude and beta blockers! I also spent over the odds time and money to get through a CBT when I had a motorbike - zero confidence on the roads and anxiety do not make learning to drive an easy or inexpensive experience. It is horrible to feel like a failure when you're doing something like this for yourself but a million times worse if you feel you're letting other people down as well because you find it so difficult when it appears to be so easy for others.

It must be frustrating wanting to move forward and seeing what appears to be a logical option for your partner, but anxiety often isn't logical. If he is anxious now about learning to drive, it may end up being a reason not to get a house together if he still feels unable to learn in the future. It sounds like you have definite plans of how you see your future together but it has to be practical and it has to work for both of you. What would have to change if driving is out the of the question for him? Best wishes to you both.

pinpin

sevenredpoppies wrote: »

I am saying this through experience of both anxiety and driving; first test failed when I was 18 and started lessons again 3 years ago, had over a years worth of lessons before I put in for a test again, failed 3 times, moved from the area and passed eventually on my 5th time after a 2 day intensive driving course, armed with an all or nothing attitude and beta blockers! I also spent over the odds time and money to get through a CBT when I had a motorbike - zero confidence on the roads and anxiety do not make learning to drive an easy or inexpensive experience.

Did you find the test in a different area of the beta blockers helped the most?

I once considered taking my test in a remote part of Scotland where teh pass rate is about 85% due to being no other cars on the road!

I also think various drugs like betablockers could help me. Did they make you calmer or did they just stop the 'symptoms'? (i.e shaking)

And regarding the CBT. Did you need multiple tries on that, too? I thought that one cant really 'fail' the CBT. Did they just say you need to come back for more training before you get your certificate? Did you have to pay more than once?

I plan to take my CBT soon too hopefully improve my road sense and at least give me a way of getting from A to B on my own as I have lots of hospital appointments and stuff now due to my bad health (that sounds depressing! I'm only in my 20's!!)

I tend to 'freeze' when i'm driving, especially in a test situation.
My instructor used to say I was quite good (hence why he kept putting me i for my test) but when I got behind the wheel at test time, I felt like I was in someone elses body or as if i'd been posessed! I lose all of my 'senses' and can barely think straight

dirty_magic

I think it is something that depends on where you live and work. We actually do have fairly good transport links, but my OH works shifts and physically couldn't get to work using public transport because he has to be in at 6am. Even if he could the quickest route is 2 buses and 2 trains and would take 2 hours to do 13 miles. It would take me just under an hour to do under 5 miles because the bus is so indirect. The public transport systems outside of London really do need work, the buses around here take so long because they do such bizarre routes!

We wouldn't want to live near where either of us work because they're not nice areas. I'd rather drive and live somewhere we actually like than be restricted to where we can get to work quickly.

OP I have a friend who had driving anxiety because he saw his friend get killed in a car accident. It took him ages to get the courage to learn but he managed it! If you can persuade him to take the first step he might be ok.