Saying no to people

Kaye1

I say I have a Doctors appointment. On the whole (not always!) people don't seem to ask any further!


Just once, (a long, long time ago) I was asked by someone who I knew would pass it around, why I was going to the Doctors. (I actually was going this time!) I told her that I was looking to change gender and wanted some info. I still chuckle at the look on her face......


It was just some pre-pregnancy tests but if she had got a sniff of that, it would have been common knowledge within seconds.....

mandragora_2

I'm pretty confident at saying no in a polite but firm way if and when I have to - but a new twist that was added the other week was an email (an email!!! If you want a favour, ask me in person, to my face!!!!) to everyone in the team saying 'because of x situation, there's some extra (unpaid, in your own time, not in your jd) work which has arisen, and it needs to be shared between everyone, so I'll be sorting that out for you asap. If you can't do this, please tell me.'

I'm a pretty willing work horse, and I do actually understand the reason behind the 'request', but I was so furious about the way it was made and the terms it was couched in that I had to go away and seethe for 24 hours before daring to allow myself to send any sort of response. In fact, once I'd calmed down, and thought about it for myself, I made my own decision that I was happy to do the additional hour or so of unpaid work. I think in difficult times we do need to pull together, but the way we were 'asked' and the passive aggressive terms it was couched in really nearly pushed me to a 'No. Sod off'. It would have been satisfying, but ultimately self-defeating. There's other battles that are more worth winning!!

Errata

"No can do, it's my turn for hanging around Argos corner then".

splishsplash

I usually deflect from my refusal without justifying it if I'm asked to do something I don't want to do.

'I can't do x but I can do y, if that's any good?'
or
'I can't do it, have you tried asking A or B or C - maybe they could help you?'

It shifts the focus towards an alternative solution and away from me saying 'No'.

Guest101

zagfles wrote: »

I'm not sure you understand the meaning of 'fickle';)Maybe you should swap some shift so you can. Oh, hang on...That's a very strange way of putting things...but anyway...Err...but he's given you a reason which might help. For instance you might be willing to wait a couple of hours. If the reason had been his car's knackered, that wouldn't apply. There's a lot of 'whooshing' going on here. Hint - the issue isn't paranoia about what other people think. It's about providing them with information which might be useful about the situation. Not to mention common courtesy.

But do whatever works for you. You don't need to give anyone here a reason do you

1: ok shallow, suffer from low self esteem, require my approval. Whatever the word(s) you prefer. Think the meaning was clear.
2: I don't work shifts. I have a set 9-5, my role requires additional work, I get compensated for this. There's no swapping or covering since it's quite specialised.
3: it's not strange, since he works away a lot. And where I needed to go was next town over.
4: I needed the lift there and then. Not applicable.
5: as I said, if necessary the information would be provided / received. The point is when I ( or others ) feel the questions are intrusive.

If you have to explain your actions or decisions to others so they don't judge you negatively, there's already issues in the relationship.

I would presume, and others would of me, if it was 'no thanks', there was a good reason for it and no malice.

missprice

zagfles wrote: »

:pIt's quite simple. Tell me "no" without giving me a reason, and I'll tell you "no" without giving you a reason.

That's absolutely fine with me, I tend not to ask for favors anyways but, on those very rare occasions a straight up no is fine, I don't want the 10 minute discussion why they can't do it. I would rather spend my time finding someone else to ask.

zagfles

Guest101 wrote: »

1: ok shallow, suffer from low self esteem, require my approval. Whatever the word(s) you prefer. Think the meaning was clear.
2: I don't work shifts. I have a set 9-5, my role requires additional work, I get compensated for this. There's no swapping or covering since it's quite specialised.
3: it's not strange, since he works away a lot. And where I needed to go was next town over.
4: I needed the lift there and then. Not applicable.
5: as I said, if necessary the information would be provided / received. The point is when I ( or others ) feel the questions are intrusive.

If you have to explain your actions or decisions to others so they don't judge you negatively, there's already issues in the relationship.

I would presume, and others would of me, if it was 'no thanks', there was a good reason for it and no malice.

Again, all I can say is 'whoosh'. You can assume/work out/guess the reason!

I don't want to waste time explaining again. Oops I'm giving a reason again. Sorry to have wasted 10 mins of your time . It won't happen again. Ta ta.

coolcait

zagfles wrote: »

Again, all I can say is 'whoosh'. You can assume/work out/guess the reason!

I don't want to waste time explaining again. Oops I'm giving a reason again. Sorry to have wasted 10 mins of your time . It won't happen again. Ta ta.

I think that what you are seeing is a different point of view to your own. Not a failure to understand what you are saying.


Your post was rather rude - especially given your belief that 'common courtesy' should compel people to give detailed reasons for being unable to do something.

zagfles

coolcait wrote: »

I think that what you are seeing is a different point of view to your own. Not a failure to understand what you are saying.


Your post was rather rude - especially given your belief that 'common courtesy' should compel people to give detailed reasons for being unable to do something.

I can now see the reason you and most others here don't like to give reasons. You end up not understanding, in a circular discussion, and getting in a huff.

It never works like that with my work colleages and friends. Maybe we live on different planets. For instance giving a reason usually takes me 10 seconds. Not 10 minutes.

Good luck and best wishes with your path through life. I'm now leaving this thread, and I'm not giving you the reason

coolcait

zagfles wrote: »

I'm now leaving this thread, and I'm not giving you the reason

No problem! :-)