Saying no to people

David301

Or another one "can i borrow some money?" no, "why not?"

Because it is my money, i don't believe you will give it me back and i don't have any because I am poor!

Why do you have to explain your financial situation to another person? Why do they believe you are being tight fisted unless you demonstrate that you do not have a penny to lend?

Mojisola

David301 wrote: »

I own a shop, there is a toilet on the premises but it involves people or strangers walking into my house unattended if they were permitted to use it, which they aren't.

So when someone asks "can i use your bog" and i say "no sorry" then i have to go through the whole "why not" with them, which basically ends up with me trying to say in the nicest way possible "i don't trust you to be in my house unattended, it is also my home and i don't want you in it"

'Insurance' or 'health and safety' are good ways out of this.

David301

Mojisola wrote: »

'Insurance' or 'health and safety' are good ways out of this.

Lol ive used everything, im now on "my wife's in the bath so you can't"

19lottie82

I agree with the others, "I have plans" should be enough to suffice in these kind of situations.

cloudy-day

Guest101 wrote: »

And in return for this felxibility and support i presume the employee geting time and a half?

Thankfully I have a choice of bosses, I wouldnt choose your business if that was the attitude you had on flexible working.

Perhaps you should have arranged cover as part of an on-call arrangement? Or is poor management a trait that is easily avoided by claiming someone 'isnt a team player'

In an ideal world yes. In the real world no.

Welcome to 2015 Employment - that's exactly how it is where I work.

TBagpuss

I think a lot does depend on the situation - for instance, close friends, family, people I work with - I'm more likely to give some sort of explanation rather than just a flat 'no' because there is an existing relationship there, but that explanation may be very vague "I already have plans" (you don't need to say that the plan was made 15 seconds ago and is a plan to have a quiet day and see whether a better offer comes along)

For request to use a toilet in a shop then "I'm afraid we don't have a customer toilet" is OK (or "We don't have a customer toilet. There are public toilets at [location] / M&S on the high street have customer toilets") (You can also add - "our insurance doesn't cover us if we allow non-staff members into staff-only areas", which may well be true.

R even "I'm sorry, that won't be possible"

zagfles

David301 wrote: »

Ok another example of a situation because this is going too much towards work.

I own a shop, there is a toilet on the premises but it involves people or strangers walking into my house unattended if they were permitted to use it, which they aren't.

So when someone asks "can i use your bog" and i say "no sorry" then i have to go through the whole "why not" with them, which basically ends up with me trying to say in the nicest way possible "i don't trust you to be in my house unattended, it is also my home and i don't want you in it"

There are many scenarios with the no and why not,

Context is everything. What if it was a regular customer you knew well? Saying no without a reason would likely lead them to believe you don't trust them, and might lead to them using a different shop. You either care about the consequences of that or you don't. Your choice.

If I get cold called, or stopped in the high street by a chugger, I won't give a reason for saying no. I simply don't care what they think my reasons are, why would I?

But if I get asked to swap a shift at work, or a friend asks if I fancy a pint tomorrow night, I will either accept or give a genuine reason for saying no. Because I care about the consequences of any assumption they might make about my reason for saying no.

Like not being able to get shift swaps when I need them, or not being invited out on social events.

DigForVictory

I confess I struggle with "No".
However, a young scout coached me in this:
"Can you do X at some awkward-time?"
[Pause while you clearly think about it - let them see the mental diary pages flutter] "I'm so sorry, no." [Shorter pause] "Would likely-as-awkward-for-them do instead?"
It has helped me keep some vestiges of sanity & stay in gainful employment. The courtesy is a near-vital ingredient.

Where the young Scout will end up I shudder to think, but were I recruiting for diplomats, I could do a lot worse than start right there!

A psychology tutor coached us in getting "yes" - start with a Big Ask - eg "can you come & volunteer in a rough section of town one night a week" then trade down to "well, could you help run a stall at the local library for a couple of hours". People tend not to like saying no so this enables them to save face with you & themselves & if the second thing was actually what you were largely after? Win-win... Psychology folk can be devious.

jozxyqk

I think that the person asking you to do something has already banked on you saying yes, and saying no has spoilt their plans.

Hence, "why not?" which is a politer way of saying "I didn't consider the possibility that you have a life / mind of your own".

I used to have an issue with this, never wanting to let anyone down. Then I realised I was becoming a doormat. These days, I'll give a reason if I think the person deserves one.

LameWolf

Perpetual doormat here; I've always had trouble saying No to people, and still don't really have the hang of it.

The one time I did hold out was when an acquaintance of Mr LW's, a chap I neither like nor trust, wanted us to "help him out" with what looked like a dodgy gambling scheme on the Internet. Mr LW involved me because he's even worse than I am at saying No, and he'd known the chap since their university days.

So I said No.
Chap: Why not?
Me: I don't have the money to put up.
Chap: Oh, I can lend you £1000 to get started.
Me: No; I don't do debt.
Chap (now starting to show signs of throwing a paddywack): But you have a mortgage - how is this different? A mortgage is still borrowing money? Why can't you do this? I was relying on you, now I'll have to try and get "Fred" to do it. *lots of sighing and huffing*

Honestly, you had to be there! But the worst thing was I still felt guilty about saying No to him.