I don't want children - Am I selfish?

SandC

I agree Fiery. Never met anyone who has said to me that they regret having children.

I am 45 this year and knew I never wanted children but there was no way I would have ever sought sterilisation because I couldn't be sure that I wouldn't change my mind. I do think that there should be options for those who suffer ill health with endometriosis and other conditions, these things can ruin relationships and strip you of your life for all but a week or two every single month. I would hope there are doctors out there who are more flexible in their approach.

dragonette

I am 27, childfree and seeking a sterilisation due to a mixture of personal preference, mental and physical health issues.

If I later get broody, I'll help friends with their children, adopt or foster. Finding a surgeon has been tricky, but I am very certain of my choice and know it is the right one for me.

emmaj30

Why are you selfish? Its your life and your decision ..

dktreesea

WorkFromHome wrote: »

I'm 30 nearly 31 and I've never wanted kids, I have no feelings towards babies, I don't coo over them. I don't want to be a mother. I think that women who adore children are the ones who should be having them. So why don't women respect my choice when I say I don't want children? I've discussed it with my OH and although he initially wanted kids he has said he would rather be with me and childless than with another woman which I appreciate. If he had desperatly wanted kids I would have asked him to move on without me as it wouldn't have been fair on him. We both love animals and hope to have a dog one day when we have the time and can afford to care for one.

Am I alone here?

When I was 30....I could have written what you wrote. Up until then, I had never wanted children. And I never expected that to change. But then some kind of biological clock started ticking. Before I knew it, I had two children.

dktreesea

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I have two sisters who never wanted children - ever, until 30 hit them like a ton of rocks, and they BOTH got extremely broody. (They now have 2 each.) I never wanted them, and right up to literally last year, STILL didn't want them, and now, in my early 30s, I am starting to get broody.

Yes, I recognise these symptoms. Exactly what happened to me. Even though I resisted for a few years. My advice to my children has been to have their children in their late teens or early twenties. Being a monther of young people in one's 40s isn't something I would recommend.

lostinrates

SandC wrote: »

I agree Fiery. Never met anyone who has said to me that they regret having children.
.

You will find threads on the past here where thoughtful, rational posters who love their children say they would have chosen otherwise.

My parents would have chosen otherwise, and I have heard other women say it in conversation in hushed tones in which taboos are discussed.

Fiery, forgive me for saying it, but on here at least, you do not present yourself as someone easy to make one's innermost taboo disclosures too. . And these are BRAVE conversations for level headed, thoughtful people to have as they are potential consequences.

pinkandblueshoe

Some people don't want kids, some people can't have kids. Some people want kids but don't find someone to have them with. Live and let live. I don't have kids and no one gives me a hard time for it. But I would never ever assume to know why someone didn't have kids if they didn't.

Oh and as for not finding people who say they regret having children, well all I can say to that is, just because some people haven't met folk who say they regret having kids doesn't mean there aren't people who don't.

Some kids get treated terribly by their parents. I read a story last week about a child who died due to drinking his recovering drug addict mothers methadone. The interview was with the grandmother who was broken hearted and she said that the mother had never expressed a moment of remorse for what happened to her child.

Some people aren't maternal, but some people who are go on to have kids and those kids end up being treated badly. Im very aware some people give kids up for adoption and it breaks their heart to do so, but some kids are adopted for their own sake.

I just think on so many threads on here you get posters giving it the I am right and that is that. What's the point in that? If someone isn't maternal and doesn't want kids, that's their choice. If someone can't have kids or struggles a long time to conceive, who am I to judge? I don't know someone's back story so to wade in and give a big lecture about how people feel when they don't have kids, I think it's just being argumentative for the sake of it.

In the same way I don't know other peoples reasons for not wanting kids, people don't know mine for not having any. No one in my family gives me a hard time for not having kids, but I have to say, there will be plenty men out there who don't want to be a father either, I bet they don't get half as hard a time as women who say they don't want children.

I have known families who have had several children and those children were parented by someone who was an awful parent, older kids in and out of custody, couple of them were parents themselves by 16 or 17 (with social work intervention to try and keep those families together), all sorts going on. That mother was and is a terrible parent, but to some, shes more acceptable to society even though shes chosen to have several kids that she can't or won't parent properly.

If someone doesn't want kids, entirely their choice, of course they'll be judged for it as that's the way society is, anything that's not the norm they get judged for, but that is life.

LameWolf

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Yeah, but now you've reminded me of a close friend who went to great lengths to get herself sterilized, child free, at age 29.
I thought she mad, frankly, and I'm saying this as someone who also didn't want children.

She's 46 now and she'd never admit but I know she regrets it. I see how she is with children. She's never been able to change her mind and that's taken its toll on her. Maybe she would never have had them but the fact that it was impossible has magnified the issue in her mind.

That GP has seen so many women like that. That's probably why he reacted that way.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I agree with QS. I am not surprised the GP acted this way, and I cannot see anything judgemental about her reaction; I would also be shocked at any woman in her 20s - or even 30s - who had been sterilized, when she had not had children. I can't imagine for a second why ANY woman would want to do this to themselves at such a young age.

In your 20s, you think you're all grown up, and you think you know everything, including your own mind; such is the arrogance of youth, but there is a very real possibility that you may change your mind later on in life about having children. And I would imagine most parents would be angry and upset and worried if their 20-something childless daughter chose to be sterilised. I would think they had taken leave of their senses!

I have two sisters who never wanted children - ever, until 30 hit them like a ton of rocks, and they BOTH got extremely broody. (They now have 2 each.) I never wanted them, and right up to literally last year, STILL didn't want them, and now, in my early 30s, I am starting to get broody. Imagine if *I* had been sterilised 4 or 5 years ago? I would have bitterly regretted it.

I would be stunned if any of my friends - in their 20s and 30s - said they were being sterilised when they are childless, and frankly, I would think very badly of any surgeon who agreed to do it.

Ok, I take your point; but I was sterilised when I was 37, having been on the Pill and then Depo Provera (sp?) injections since the age of 15; and when I saw this particular lady GP, when I first moved to MK, I was 42.

I'd been advised by my previous GP to change from the Pill to the injections, but found they had bad side effects, hence deciding to go for sterilisation and have done with - if I still didn't want children at 37, it was obvious I never would.

I guess you had to be there, but trust me, her attitude was that she actively disapproved of my choice not to have children.:(

I have since changed surgeries.;)

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I agree with QS. I am not surprised the GP acted this way, and I cannot see anything judgemental about her reaction; I would also be shocked at any woman in her 20s - or even 30s - who had been sterilized, when she had not had children. I can't imagine for a second why ANY woman would want to do this to themselves at such a young age.

In your 20s, you think you're all grown up, and you think you know everything, including your own mind; such is the arrogance of youth, but there is a very real possibility that you may change your mind later on in life about having children. And I would imagine most parents would be angry and upset and worried if their 20-something childless daughter chose to be sterilised. I would think they had taken leave of their senses!

I have two sisters who never wanted children - ever, until 30 hit them like a ton of rocks, and they BOTH got extremely broody. (They now have 2 each.) I never wanted them, and right up to literally last year, STILL didn't want them, and now, in my early 30s, I am starting to get broody. Imagine if *I* had been sterilised 4 or 5 years ago? I would have bitterly regretted it.

I would be stunned if any of my friends - in their 20s and 30s - said they were being sterilised when they are childless, and frankly, I would think very badly of any surgeon who agreed to do it.

Some people know they don't want children and don't go on to change their minds. I was 26 when I married and OH was 23 and we decided fairly quickly that we did not want children. My GP not only refused to sterilise me but she told me "all women want children"!!! OH went private and had a vasectomy.


Why should the ones that don't suddenly change their minds be the ones that are penalised by doctors not agreeing to vasectomies or sterilisations.


Sorry but I don't buy this "oh I suddenly got broody".

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I could not disagree more. I would wager that there are many more women who regret NOT having children, than there are women who regret having them.

Cue a dozen childfree people coming on saying they know LOADSSSSSS of people who regret having kids. *YAWN*

For the record *I* am childfree and nobody has EVER said to me that they regret having children. But I know a few child free and now over 40, who regret not having them. As for getting sterilised in your 20s or 30s - before you have had kids; words fail me.

Just saying.

Better start yawning them because quite a lot of men and women have told me if they could go back in time they wouldn't have children.


There have been a few articles in the Mail about people not wanting children and quite a few replies are from parents saying they would have chosen not to have any if they could go back.


I actually don't know anyone who has regretted not having children. Maybe that's because on the whole they think the matter through a lot more than people who just have them because it is "the norm".


As I said, OH was in his 20's when he got his vasectomy. People of that age are perfectly capable of making a decision they stick with you know.


No wonder GP's won't agree to the ops when so many people seem incapable of making a decision and then not changing their mind

lostinrates wrote: »

You will find threads on the past here where thoughtful, rational posters who love their children say they would have chosen otherwise.

My parents would have chosen otherwise, and I have heard other women say it in conversation in hushed tones in which taboos are discussed.

Fiery, forgive me for saying it, but on here at least, you do not present yourself as someone easy to make one's innermost taboo disclosures too. . And these are BRAVE conversations for level headed, thoughtful people to have as they are potential consequences.

Exactly. Look on any childfree forums or even parenting forums and you will find parents who say they love their children but, given a second chance, would chose not to have any

SeduLOUs

We (partner and I) are early 30s and pretty certain we don't ever want any children. I've never been interested throughout my 20s so I'm pretty sure we're just not programmed to want them, but I'm also not happy in my job right now and studying with the OU to open some doors, so it could potentially just be that it isn't a good time for us right now.

I would never consider sterilisation (I get on reasonably well with contraception pill), because you never know what the future holds - one of my friends who was more adamant than me about not having them suddenly started getting the urge after they bought a house and settled down and now has her first. Never say never and all that!