I don't want children - Am I selfish?

Hedgehog99

jaylee3 wrote: »

Really? Did they tell you this? And if so, why?

Someone enlighten me. Why would anyone regret having their children?

Reasons for regret I have heard:

The parent didn't realise how hard being a parent would be - hard = emotional &/or financial cost, the time required, feeling exhausted - for little or no thanks when they're young.

The parent doesn't like the person the child has become (if they have e.g. got in to crime or drugs despite a stable, loving & supportive childhood).

The parent didn't realise or want to make the sacrifices required.

That babies are boring - especially for a mum who used to work & enjoyed that adult conversation/socialisation.

That they allowed themselves to be persuaded/steam-rollered into parenthood by parents / mother-in-law etc.

Hedgehog99

jaylee3 wrote: »

:T

I have to say I am also confused by that comment; why does someone not believe that people suddenly get broody? :huh: It happens a lot.

Clearly, this comment came from someone with no maternal instinct, but saying they don't believe people suddenly get broody is a very strange thing to say. As I said, it happens a lot.

I believe that people do get broody, but I also think it's a cultural thing, inspired by best friends / sisters / celebrities getting pregnant / having babies or by thinking "everything will be alright if I have a baby". I think the parents who've just had their 18th baby are ill - if anyone did something else to that extreme (gambling, over-spending, excessive plastic surgery etc), their friends would tell them to stop. You can love the smell of babies without keeping on having them!

Animals have an urge to mate, but they're not thinking of the possible end result, just like the average teenager in the car park behind the night club after closing time.

Gavin83

SeduLOUs wrote: »

one of my friends who was more adamant than me about not having them suddenly started getting the urge after they bought a house and settled down and now has her first. Never say never and all that!

I ask this question of you and everyone else who says they know someone who has done similar. What did the men think in this situation? I assume they were in relationships with men who also didn't want children, did they just change their mind too or did they just not care in the first place?

jaylee3 wrote: »

Someone enlighten me. Why would anyone regret having their children?

I'd have thought this would be pretty obvious. Mainly due to the impact it has on their lives and because parenthood wasn't what they thought it would be. I remember last time a topic like this came up someone said they couldn't believe someone would regret having children and then later on someone said they did. The poster was gobsmacked but presumably corrected.

You know what I find ironic in this whole thing? People spout on about how people who don't want children may change their minds. I fully agree with this, people can always change their minds on issues. Not always but sometimes. However these same people are unwilling to admit that the reverse is also true, with someone having had a child then changing their mind and realising they never actually wanted one. Why is this?

As for the sterilisation issue I don't actually believe it should be available on the NHS along with things like IVF. However if someone wants it and is willing to pay for it then I think it should be available to them. If they later change their mind its just something they'll have to deal with. I'm sure everyone has made a life decision at some point which they've later gone onto regret.

Personally I don't want children and I'm quite happy with this decision. The only thing that I regret slightly is that my parents want nothing more than to be grandparents and with me being an only child it won't happen. However this alone is a terrible reason to have children.

Hedgehog99

Gavin83 wrote: »

...Personally I don't want children and I'm quite happy with this decision. The only thing that I regret slightly is that my parents want nothing more than to be grandparents and with me being an only child it won't happen. However this alone is a terrible reason to have children.

My Mum used to want me to have children, but only because she thought it would make me happy. Now she knows it would make me deeply unhappy, I think she's glad not to be saddled with the babysitting being a grandparent would entail!

Torry_Quine

I think that if a person decides that they don't want to have children that is a perfectly legitimate choice. The only caveat I would add is be upfront with a prospective partner/spouse.

lostinrates

Hedgehog99 wrote: »

I believe that people do get broody, but I also think it's a cultural thing, inspired by best friends / sisters / celebrities getting pregnant / having babies or by thinking "everything will be alright if I have a baby". I think the parents who've just had their 18th baby are ill - if anyone did something else to that extreme (gambling, over-spending, excessive plastic surgery etc), their friends would tell them to stop. You can love the smell of babies without keeping on having them!

Animals have an urge to mate, but they're not thinking of the possible end result, just like the average teenager in the car park behind the night club after closing time.

I get broody every couple of months, often its hormonal, sometimes its emotional, or seeing lovely kids. But there is nothing I can do about it. Life goes on. I do something else.

I, me am...its what people with poor body image had to do before widespread plastic surgery, for example. Or what we had to do about wanting stuff before credit. 'I want' isn't always the best reason to have stuff.

lostinrates

Hedgehog99 wrote: »

Reasons for regret I have heard:

The parent didn't realise how hard being a parent would be - hard = emotional &/or financial cost, the time required, feeling exhausted - for little or no thanks when they're young.

The parent doesn't like the person the child has become (if they have e.g. got in to crime or drugs despite a stable, loving & supportive childhood).

The parent didn't realise or want to make the sacrifices required.

That babies are boring - especially for a mum who used to work & enjoyed that adult conversation/socialisation.

That they allowed themselves to be persuaded/steam-rollered into parenthood by parents / mother-in-law etc.

Opportunities in life missed because of parent hood responsibilities was probably a big one for my mother who became a single mother in a country with no family when there were fewer single mothers and far, far, far less support.

I also think my parents simply were not natural parents.

jaylee3. Yes, we've spoken about it in the past, my parents and I. .

bugslet

jaylee3 wrote: »

Good grief! :eek: What a horrible thing to say. If this was not a malicious thing to say, then what was it?

Do you think this may be the reason you don't want children?

Why would anyone tell their child this?

Why did she even have you then, if she didn't want you?

I think that is an unforgivable thing to say to your child.

There is a lot of childfree by choice on here. More than any other forum I have been on I think.

Agree though, that it's not selfish to not want them. In fact in this day and age, where it's not necessary to have them, I find it odd that everyone assumes that everyone should have them. People do get a lot of grief though for not having them; maybe that's why they are so defensive.

Jaylee I did say I was in my early 20s, not a child and it evolved out of a much longer adult conversation, that would take too much time to compress and isn't pertinent anyway. My mum was a good mother, I turned out very stable.

She was told she could never have children and was nearly forty when she had me.

I never liked kids even as a kid, went to playschool before primary and after the first day, they suggested that it wAsn't my natural fit:-).

So whilst I understand your rationale jaylee, a lifetimes relationship can't be compressed into a few lines, so trust me, she was a good mum, far better than many .
:-)

Pricivius

It's pretty difficult to admit that you regret having your children. It can so easily be misinterpreted as "I wish you were never born" and "you have ruined my life". I would find it very strange if parents didn't think once in a while about how different their life would be without their kids. Just like people without kids may think about their life if they did have kids. But the latter can openly voice their thoughts whilst the former must keep quiet.

I do not think it is selfish to not want kids. I would personally love to be able to stand firmly in either camp, but unfortunately I'm in the "don't know" group. Maybe this is for another thread, but having kids is a nuclear option and for those of us who can't decide, the answer has to be to not ring the bell that you can't un-ring. Surely that can't be the selfish option - to choose the path which could only lead to my unhappiness, rather than the path that could lead to the unhappiness of an unwanted child as well?

Gloomendoom

Two of my friends, both men, have quietly said to me that if they had their time again, they wouldn't have children. I've kept it to myself as, for the reasons outlined above, it might be taken the badly by their children, and their wives.