I don't want children - Am I selfish?

gettingtheresometime

amistupid wrote: »

I'm sure my brother and his wife are still happy with the decision they made but I can't help feeling that old age will be a little more lonely for them.

Personally there's no guarantee that having children will mean you have company in old age

bugslet

fierystormcloud wrote: »

I agree with QS. I am not surprised the GP acted this way, and I cannot see anything judgemental about her reaction; I would also be shocked at any woman in her 20s - or even 30s - who had been sterilized, when she had not had children. I can't imagine for a second why ANY woman would want to do this to themselves at such a young age.


If they DO find any surgeon who will do it, I sincerely hope they get it done privately, AND get the attempt at reversal done privately when/if they change their mind, because I am not paying for people's lifestyle choices!

I don't have a problem with that really, GPs see a lot of people and they will see both sides - those who subsequently change their mind and have children and those that never do, so it makes sense for them to err on the side of caution.

However the reason why I would have liked to be sterilized at a young age is that it would have saved being on the pill, which I don't think is good for you and the various faff of other forms of contraception. I never have been pregnant, but it was always a slight worry that something might fail and that I would end up having an abortion, which is not a pleasant thing, but that is what I would have done.

I also agree that it is one of those things that you should get done privately and I hold the same views about IVF - both are wants and not needs.

amistupid wrote: »

There are people who chose to be childless and live without a partner, they're probably the happiest of all.

gettingtheresometime wrote: »

Personally there's no guarantee that having children will mean you have company in old age

getting there, amistupid did go on to say that someone in my circumstances could be the happiest of all:). Which isn't to say that I don't have concerns about my old age, I don't have any family at all, but you can't have a child to stave off potential loneliness or in the hope that they will care for you if you require it.

bugslet

fierystormcloud wrote: »

.

So nobody is going to be contributing or subsidising OUR children thank you.

Just to be pedantic:o, unless you are really, really well-paid or run a business and pay oodles of corp tax/emplyers NI etc ( and you may well be/do), it is likely that over your life time you will take out more than you put in. Should anything unfortunate happen to you or your children that required significant NHS input, then your contributions may be swallowed up. That's fine, that's the way society works.

As a general point and not pointed out to anyone specifically, IIRC you have to earn over 30k before you are neutral on income tax versus receipts from the state in all its forms; given that the average wage is under 30k, most people don't.

heartbreak_star

I'm 35, I had a period of about 2 weeks when I was 19 when I wanted a baby.

I am SO glad I ignored it.

If I wanted children I'd have had them by now. I'd love to be sterilised but docs are reluctant, so it's LARCs all the way until I can be snipped.

I don't think I'm selfish. It would be selfish if I had a child simply to look after me when I got older.

HBS x

WorkFromHome

lostinrates wrote: »

Actually, I recognise my pets fill my need to nurture. That I care for them according to their needs as their species requires and as suits their breed and personality is no more than I would have hoped to do for other family members had they joined us. I think my pets probably call us ( DH and I ) some thing like ' the big slows who give food and attention' but if 'mummy' works as short hand to explain their importance in our house hold and the esteem we hold for them and how highly we rate their needs....so be it. They are not my 'babies' they are my beasts, or the family. I have had dreams where I have given birth to the cats though :eek::o. They were a nice, sleek, easy shape. And they are small ( they came out as cats, not kittens).

I currently have a three year old cat and I do refer to us as her mummy and daddy. Being a parent is about raising, nurturing and loving not if we gave birth to them or not. Although dreaming you did is ok Pets need us. If I adopted a child and called myself her/his mum that's acceptable because they are human but I did not give birth to them. So why can't we be the same to animals? I guess that's a whole other thread lol A family is made up of many things x

fairy_lights

fierystormcloud wrote: »

If they DO find any surgeon who will do it, I sincerely hope they get it done privately, AND get the attempt at reversal done privately when/if they change their mind, because I am not paying for people's lifestyle choices!

But if you do have children, their births and any anti-natal care will be paid for by the NHS, and probably at a much greater cost than that of a sterilisation. So why shouldn't people who don't want children get their treatment for free too?

lostinrates

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Yeah, but now you've reminded me of a close friend who went to great lengths to get herself sterilized, child free, at age 29.
I thought she mad, frankly, and I'm saying this as someone who also didn't want children.

She's 46 now and she'd never admit but I know she regrets it. I see how she is with children. She's never been able to change her mind and that's taken its toll on her. Maybe she would never have had them but the fact that it was impossible has magnified the issue in her mind.

That GP has seen so many women like that. That's probably why he reacted that way.

Far, far better to regret it that way round than the other.

The GP might have seen many women like that but when you look at the flip side of this situation, the unwanted, uncared for children or women who have been mothers,very good ones even, but in fact perhaps might have wished otherwise with retrospect.....many children are not insensitive to this, though some obviously remain so, or appreciate the difference between being loved for them and yet their parents seeing their was a different potential life choice they could have taken.

fierystormcloud

LameWolf wrote: »

I have. I got hell from my parents (the same people who actually didn't want a baby, ie me, themselves, btw) when I was sterilised.

Also, when I registered at a new GP practise back in 2002, the GP asked me how many children I had. "None" I said. How many pregnancies was the next question. "None" I said. And she looked horror-stricken and said, incredulously, "You have no children, and you're sterilised??" Very judgemental.:(

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

Yeah, but now you've reminded me of a close friend who went to great lengths to get herself sterilized, child free, at age 29.

I thought she mad, frankly, and I'm saying this as someone who also didn't want children.

She's 46 now and she'd never admit but I know she regrets it. I see how she is with children. She's never been able to change her mind and that's taken its toll on her. Maybe she would never have had them but the fact that it was impossible has magnified the issue in her mind.

That GP has seen so many women like that. That's probably why he reacted that way.

I agree with QS. I am not surprised the GP acted this way, and I cannot see anything judgemental about her reaction; I would also be shocked at any woman in her 20s - or even 30s - who had been sterilized, when she had not had children. I can't imagine for a second why ANY woman would want to do this to themselves at such a young age.

In your 20s, you think you're all grown up, and you think you know everything, including your own mind; such is the arrogance of youth, but there is a very real possibility that you may change your mind later on in life about having children. And I would imagine most parents would be angry and upset and worried if their 20-something childless daughter chose to be sterilised. I would think they had taken leave of their senses!

I have two sisters who never wanted children - ever, until 30 hit them like a ton of rocks, and they BOTH got extremely broody. (They now have 2 each.) I never wanted them, and right up to literally last year, STILL didn't want them, and now, in my early 30s, I am starting to get broody. Imagine if *I* had been sterilised 4 or 5 years ago? I would have bitterly regretted it.

I would be stunned if any of my friends - in their 20s and 30s - said they were being sterilised when they are childless, and frankly, I would think very badly of any surgeon who agreed to do it.

fierystormcloud

lostinrates wrote: »

Far, far better to regret it that way round than the other.

The GP might have seen many women like that but when you look at the flip side of this situation, the unwanted, uncared for children or women who have been mothers,very good ones even, but in fact perhaps might have wished otherwise with retrospect.....many children are not insensitive to this, though some obviously remain so, or appreciate the difference between being loved for them and yet their parents seeing their was a different potential life choice they could have taken.

I could not disagree more. I would wager that there are many more women who regret NOT having children, than there are women who regret having them.

Cue a dozen childfree people coming on saying they know LOADSSSSSS of people who regret having kids. *YAWN*

For the record *I* am childfree and nobody has EVER said to me that they regret having children. But I know a few child free and now over 40, who regret not having them. As for getting sterilised in your 20s or 30s - before you have had kids; words fail me.

Just saying.

heartbreak_star

fierystormcloud wrote: »

As for getting sterilised in your 20s or 30s - before you have had kids; words fail me.

Just saying.

I wouldn't be a good mother.

I don't want children.

Other than a 2-week period of hormonal madness, I have never wanted children.

Why would I NOT want to be sterilised? *bemused*

HBS x