I don't want children - Am I selfish?

tizerbelle

FBaby wrote: »

I don't believe that there is pressure for society at all. I think the norm is to have children, especially when you are in a committed relationship, so yes, people are going to make assumptions, but that doesn't mean that they are judgemental to the decision to being childless.

Doesn't mean they aren't either!

Two examples (of many) from my life:
1. At the hospital, legs in stirrups, having a colposcopy with smoke coming out of a place you never expected smoke to come from - nurse asked me "So why haven't you got any kids?" Can't remember much of the rest of the conversation as I was absolutely flabbergasted she would even ask especially at that time. But I do recall her saying it or I was odd.

2. Aunt of mine who believes that I am "a failure as a woman and an embarassment to the family" for deciding to be child-free.

If there is no pressure from society and no judgements made, why are people who decide not to have children subjected to virtual interrogations when someone else finds out they have decided to stay child-free? Why do people think they even have the right to comment? Why did someone else in this thread assume all those who chose to be child-free would be abusive/neglectful parents. Why did someone else say child-free people aren't grown-ups?

We are judged all the time precisely because it is not classed as the norm. And "society" doesn't like those that deviate from the norm.

LilElvis

lostinrates wrote: »

I cannot have children.


Its not what I would have chosen unlike the others here but I feel like its ....ok. ( after a while getting there) and that in many ways it is a choice because I won't pursue any attempt to have them in other ways.

And the infertile usually seem to attract a whole other barrage of questions and opinions. The seemingly inevitable comments about adoption, as though this route to parenthood is exclusively the preserve of the infertile. The arguments about whether IVF should be available on the NHS. I'm sure some idiots think that IVF means a couple of injections and Hey Presto! 9 months later a baby pops out after no more hassle than a bikini wax!

My problems conceiving mean that I am an older Mum - even more opportunity for some to pass judgment on me. I've been called selfish because my daughter will be an only child - and this came from someone who knew of our struggles and losses. Chuck into the mix that we only had our daughter thanks to egg donation and our choices get questioned again.

There are many reasons why people don't have children and I just wish that sometimes people would engage their brains before opening their mouths. For those who would dearly wish to have children, but can't, it is a painful intrusion into private grief.

Rebel_Cause

I am also CHILDFREE. Childless implies that I want children but never had the chance to have them (such of not finding the right man or for biological reasons).

Yes, you will get the cliches...

'if your mother thought like that, you would not be here'
'you must hate children'
'you'll change your mind'
'who will look after you when you are old?'

I have noticed that it is all about a sense of entitlement, someone else here was right to mention about child benefits when someone mentioned 'old age benefits'

It's yours and your OH's life, what in the heck has it got to do with other people?? Maybe they are envious or feel threatened that you are doing something different and against the grain from them, from society.

I had a male colleague tell me that I should want kids because I am a woman, I replied to him, that he should fight and die for his country because he is a man. He had nothing to say to that!

It makes me laugh when people say it is selfish to not want children. Who are you being selfish to? A child that does not exist or do people want you to be SELFLESS by giving up your carefree life and being tied down with children you truly didn't want but only did it because of peer and society pressure and just be as stressed and frazzled as them. Rather like a martyr.

Whenever colleagues ask me if I have kids, I say "No, I like my freedom!" It just comes out like childfree Tourettes! Also, the people I am speaking to reply with "I don't blame you!" These colleagues have kids themselves! That must be parent Tourettes!

It makes me laugh when parents call themselves 'Childfree' on social media because they have managed to get a babysister so that they have salvage a date night! Childfree means that you have chosen NOT to have children. Imagine if the child saw and heard that their parent referred to themselves as childfree.... just like how people assume 'what if your parents never had you!'

One cliche I am always hearing from parents "It's hard work, but it's worth it/I would not change it for the world"

WorkFromHome

*~Zephyr~* wrote: »

My OH had the snip in the end, because I couldn't stand the side effects any longer. That was bliss! 5 minute job to "fix" him rather than the major faffing about that would come with a hysterectomy (which they have point blank refused me anyway).

Once I hit 40, they stopped telling me that I'd change my mind about having kids and I thought "Great! Perhaps now they'll have some empathy" but no, the last time I went to the Docs to beg for help with my endometrial pain you know what they said? "well, if you'd had children it wouldn't be so bad". I was flabbergasted...

Yep I've been told that all my life by various people - women who have just had babies, my mum who was told by her doctor her pains and skin would clear up if she had kids (4 kids later and it didn't happen). What the Docs really mean is you'll get a 9 month break from your pain so be grateful for it. What's more selfish than having a child just to make your own pain go away?

Rebel_Cause

I also have pets, I am not the sort that refers to them as my 'furbabies' or my children. I do not refer to myself as their 'mummy' I did not give birth to them, so I am not their mother. I love them very much, but they are not a replacement for babies at all. I do not dress them up in tutus or push them around in prams either! LOL

lostinrates

Rebel_Cause wrote: »

I also have pets, I am not the sort that refers to them as my 'furbabies' or my children. I do not refer to myself as their 'mummy' I did not give birth to them, so I am not their mother. I love them very much, but they are not a replacement for babies at all. I do not dress them up in tutus or push them around in prams either! LOL

Actually, I recognise my pets fill my need to nurture. That I care for them according to their needs as their species requires and as suits their breed and personality is no more than I would have hoped to do for other family members had they joined us. I think my pets probably call us ( DH and I ) some thing like ' the big slows who give food and attention' but if 'mummy' works as short hand to explain their importance in our house hold and the esteem we hold for them and how highly we rate their needs....so be it. They are not my 'babies' they are my beasts, or the family. I have had dreams where I have given birth to the cats though :eek::o. They were a nice, sleek, easy shape. And they are small ( they came out as cats, not kittens).

lostinrates

LilElvis wrote: »

There are many reasons why people don't have children and I just wish that sometimes people would engage their brains before opening their mouths. For those who would dearly wish to have children, but can't, it is a painful intrusion into private grief.

I am past that point. I don't mind talking about it, and actually I think there need to be more conversations about when its not fair to have children and how modern lifestyles are unfair on expectations of female biology etc etc. these questions ARE hard individually, but that's why they are important socially really. I rejected any fertility treatment because I felt it was morally wrong to try and produce babies from an ill person ( of unknown cause...suppose my child had weakness ness) who had ( inheritable) fertility problems while there is not budget medicine for live people with living children. . I don't expect others to share my opinion but its my right to hold it.

Rebel_Cause

LameWolf wrote: »

l bone in me

HUH HUH... you said 'bone in me!' :rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:See, I am still a big kid myself, I still watch and love Beavis and Butthead in my early 30s! I don't want to be one of those kids having kids! LOL

1234catlady

I've never understood how anyone could be considered selfish for not wanting children.

OP, you aren't the only one. Me and my partner have said from day one we would have no kids and now we are at that point all our friends have kids and all the questions and assumptions start because we are adamant we don't want kids. We are more animal people. We have no connection or desire for kids, never have. Some people are just wired that way and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.

Jagraf

ringo_24601 wrote: »

One of my mates is a step-dad and the experience doesn't sound so great really. Kids can be manipulative at the best of times; let alone if they can use "You're not my real dad" against you.

My OH is my daughters stepdad and has no biological children. I didn't want any more. The relationship between them is amazing. She has his habits and has grown up with his nurturing love. Maybe its because she was so young when we met, but it was almost as though it was meant to be.

It is not an easy undertaking and of course can go wrong. Yet he and she have found each other. Perhaps a set of circumstances makes it easier - biological dad not really on the scene and no bond there.

People ask him why he never wanted kids of his own. It makes him quite cross.