I don't want children - Am I selfish?

[Deleted User]

Goldiegirl wrote: »

How can I be missing out on something that I have no interest in?

I've made a decision to be childfree, so I don't get what I'm supposed to be missing out on

I've no interest in skydiving, but i know I'm missing out on an exhilarating pastime.

As much as you want to deny it, you're missing out on an experience in life, just as much as breeders are missing out on the experience of a lifetime of freedom (and probably a lot more holidays).

fairy_lights

Loz01 wrote: »

This thread is v. apt, especially after today! Im 28 and don't know if I want kids, maybe, maybe not. But I already feel on the bioloigical scrapheap - at work I get asked if I want kids/when Im having them, how does my boyfriend feel about it, how I better hurry up because Ill soon be 30 etc!! I feel like telling everyone where to go, and not politely :rotfl: someone I work with is a single mum of 4 kids but Id never dream of saying to her why did you have 4 kids, why not 1 etc! I feel like people with kids feel its their god given right to be nosey and ask WHY I haven't had a baby yet! Its even worse if you say "I don't think I want kids", people look at you like youre an alien and ask why not!

I can so relate to this. I'm 27 but I live in a small town where a lot of people have kids young, most women my age seem to have a couple, some people I went to school with have 4 or 5. I think they look at me a bit strangely, but I feel far too young to even think about it yet! Maybe when I'm in my 30's.
My OH and I are buying our first house and his mother assumes that as soon as we move in we're going to start trying for a baby (the house has 2 bedrooms, and why would we want a second bedroom unless it's for a nursery? :wall:) She just can't comprehend that we may never have children at all.

Loz01

Or the worst thing Ive discovered people with kids say -


Them: how old are you?
Me: 28...
Them: oh my god!! By the time I was your age my child was 2/4/8/10...


Well, who cares?? Just because someone had a child at 18, doesn't mean I should've! And maybe I don't want one at 28 either.

bugslet

Ringo, I think missing out implies that it's something enjoyable -which it is to you despite the hard-work, and I imagine that you and Mrs Ringo make great parents.:)

But if you don't want them, you don't feel that you are missing out. I may as well tell you that you are missing out on being a haulage contractor - like kids, it's hard-work but fun and rewarding. Well it is to me:D, you may have a different view:p.

Between skydiving and having kids though - best I can say is that skydiving would be over quicker:eek: :rotfl:.

bugslet

Loz01 wrote: »

Or the worst thing Ive discovered people with kids say -

Maybe I look dead 'ard or sumfink, but I've only been asked once why haven't I had a child. Think I've been lucky.

SandC

I used to visit my dad in his nursing home at times where there weren't a lot of staff around as well. He was so poorly that he was confined to bed so wasn't in communal areas - I would go early evening and staff were invariably involved in clearing up after meals/toilet assistance or starting to get people to bed.

I have a friend whose mother is now in a nursing home. There are 4 children but only one of them lives less than an hour's drive away. All the children were encouraged by their parents to go wherever in the country their hearts or minds led them and the nursing home, like the one Dad was in, was chosen with the fact in mind that they would not be having visits every day or even every week at times.

In an ideal world our elderly relatives would stay in their own homes with care packages or live with us when they get frail but in the real world they are often too ill for both those scenarios. Making sure that care packages that allow them to stay at home are appropriate and are working is a big job in itself.

But this is a whole other thread ......... My house can be sold to pay for care home fees for me when I'm old and nobody has to worry about me.

fierystormcloud

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Sadly, this is often the case.


I have visited in the past and also very recently and very few relatives were there be it during the day, evening or weekend.

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Albeit one that does not always pay out.


There are many very lonely people with children and grandchildren who I would say are even lonelier because they do have family that rarely/never bother with them.

This example is not a very good one. There are (maybe) many people in care homes with children who don't give a fig about them, (and that is probably why they are in a care home in the first place!!!) But there are many, many more people NOT in care homes, who have loving and caring adult children AND grandchildren!

There are millions of older people with children who have warm and loving relationships with their children, many who live no more than 10 to 30 minutes away, and who have grandchildren around weekly, or twice weekly. And there are many older people (I know several) who never had children who are quite lonely.

I live near a woman of 54 who never had children, as her and her husband were 'enough for her.' (They wed when he was 45 and she was 35.) He died 3 years ago when he was 61 and she was 51. Her parents died 5 years ago, and she is now totally alone as she has no siblings. Her mother's brother had no kids and her father was an only child, so she doesn't even have any cousins.

So this argument is just silly; yes I get that if you don't have children, it doesn't necessarily mean you will be a lonely old woman... But to suggest or imply (as several people have here,) that if you have children, you are more likely to be lonely, is ridiculous.

You can say to me that you know a dozen old women who had children, who are desperately lonely and sad because their kids don't come see them, and I will tell you I know a dozen old women who had children, who see them, and the grandchildren all the time. And I do. Most people I know who have children, DO have them in their lives AND the grandchildren too, and they most certainly do not regret having children.

I feel the lonely old person whose kids don't give a fig about them, are the exception, rather than the rule.

Errata wrote: »

Indeed, but sometimes relatives / friends are scattered all over the place, and sometimes residents had been very unkind to their relatives when younger. There are always reasons for people being visited and not visited.

There is that too...

moneyistooshorttomention

Loz01 wrote: »

Or the worst thing Ive discovered people with kids say -


Them: how old are you?
Me: 28...
Them: oh my god!! By the time I was your age my child was 2/4/8/10...


Well, who cares?? Just because someone had a child at 18, doesn't mean I should've! And maybe I don't want one at 28 either.

I would not have been able to resist commenting to effect of "IF I decide to have any, then I think it appropriate to have the 1st one at 33 years old and the second one at 35" and, if daylight didn't dawn at that point follow with "....and they would both have finished university before I reach Pension Age" and then smile innocently and walk off....

Sub-text = "I have other things to do with my life - thank you....".

fairy_lights

bugslet wrote: »

Maybe I look dead 'ard or sumfink, but I've only been asked once why haven't I had a child. Think I've been lucky.

You're lucky, I sometimes feel like I've got a loudly ticking alarm clocked strapped to my uterus that everyone else can hear and feels obliged to comment on while I remain happily oblivious to it

Goldiegirl

bugslet wrote: »

But if you don't want them, you don't feel that you are missing out.

That's exactly it, and I think that's that concept that some people who have children can't get their head around.


I'm very happy and contented in my life, and I genuinely can't image how having children would have enhanced my life.


So I feel I haven't missed out on anything - I've got the life that I want