I don't want children - Am I selfish?

Out,_Vile_Jelly

Apparently as soon as you're married people think it's ok to ask why you don't have children yet. And if you do have one, they ask when you're going to give them a brother or sister. I know this has been quite difficult for friends experiencing fertility problems. Funny how it's generally considered impolite in this country to ask how much someone earns, but it's ok to ask personal questions like this!

catkins

No of course you are not selfish. It really annoys me when people say that because it is just rubbish.


Me and OH decided not to have children for many reasons but we both like children. I was 26 and he was 23 when we agreed we would remain childfree. 35 years later neither of us have the slightest regret.


Thankfully now we are far too old to have children all the comments have stopped. Some people are so rude and I have been told I am not normal, asked why we got married if we didn't want children!! We have also been told more times than I could count that we will be lonely when we get old especially if one dies before the other!


Well people that work in care homes say the loneliest people with the fewest visitors are usually those with children as the children often can't be bothered to visit. Also, of course, children can move abroad, fall out with their parents (OH has no contact with his family whatsoever) or die before their parents. My neighbour is 92 and she had 4 children but they are all dead. Having children so you have someone to look after you when you get old or stop you being lonely is a totally selfish reason to have them.


I would also say that deciding not to have children if you don't feel it is right for you is totally the right thing to do. Even today some people have children because it is supposedly the "right" thing to do and don't even stop and think whether they actually want them or not.


I doubt you will change your mind or regret your decision but, personally, I would rather regret not having a child than regret having one. I have been told by many women (and some men) that if they could go back in time they would not have had children even though they do love the ones they have which I think is very sad.


Oh and dogs are much nicer than lots of children, are far quicker to toilet train, don't give you sleepless nights, don't have tantrums and are usually far cheaper to keep!

DKLS

VfM4meplse wrote: »

Might you change your mind in the future? Quite possibly.

The doctor said that to me when I asked for a vasectomy. I found it insulting my boss at the time, trusted me enough to make decisions on a multi-million pound project but a Dr didn't trust my decision about my fertility.

Thankfully Marie Stopes treat patients like adults who know their own mind.

CrixuS_2

Selfish? No. Some might even say very wise.

*~Zephyr~*

Selfish? Absolutely not! As someone else has already said, selfish is mindlessly filling the world with children because "it's the done thing" rather than thinking intelligently about whether you actually want to be a parent before making the choice to procreate or not.

I've known since my teens that I didn't want to be a mother. Two long-term relationships and one married ended because of it. I was always up front about not wanting children and, in the case of the relationships, the men went on to decide they wanted children and we parted amicably. But the idiot I married, whilst agreeing wholeheartedly with me all through the courtship and assuring me that yes, he felt the same way as I did, announced six months into the marriage that he thought it was about time I came off the pill and started TTC because his parents wanted to be grandparents!

I'm 42 now and am perfectly happy being child-free. I have a fantastic relationship with OH's kids and I absolutely adore my Godchildren and love to cuddle and spoil them. I just didn't want to be a mother myself.

I spent years trying to convince various GP's to sterelise me so that I didn't have to pump my body full of contraceptives because of the terrible side-effects I suffered, but to no avail. They would all patronisingly say "oh you'll change your mind later" even when I pointed out that if I changed my mind, I would rather adopt some poor unwanted child than mindlessly produce another one.

WorkFromHome

*~Zephyr~* wrote: »

Selfish? Absolutely not! As someone else has already said, selfish is mindlessly filling the world with children because "it's the done thing" rather than thinking intelligently about whether you actually want to be a parent before making the choice to procreate or not.

I've known since my teens that I didn't want to be a mother. Two long-term relationships and one married ended because of it. I was always up front about not wanting children and, in the case of the relationships, the men went on to decide they wanted children and we parted amicably. But the idiot I married, whilst agreeing wholeheartedly with me all through the courtship and assuring me that yes, he felt the same way as I did, announced six months into the marriage that he thought it was about time I came off the pill and started TTC because his parents wanted to be grandparents!

I'm 42 now and am perfectly happy being child-free. I have a fantastic relationship with OH's kids and I absolutely adore my Godchildren and love to cuddle and spoil them. I just didn't want to be a mother myself.

I spent years trying to convince various GP's to sterelise me so that I didn't have to pump my body full of contraceptives because of the terrible side-effects I suffered, but to no avail. They would all patronisingly say "oh you'll change your mind later" even when I pointed out that if I changed my mind, I would rather adopt some poor unwanted child than mindlessly produce another one.

I am hoping to have a hysterectomy in the near future. I am waiting to find out if I have advanced endometriosis by way of surgery. It has caused me much pain for 15 years and contraception (I've tried them all) has made me ill daily. I just want to live a healthy, happy child free rest of my life. I know I will have a struggle on my hands to convince my doctor to do it though. Why do Docs assume that women want children? I think they are the worst people to talk to if you don't want kids.

DKLS

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Somedays I do wish there was some sort of 'childless couples tax' - not money, but time.. so they'd be forced to do a bit of childminding so I could have a lie in/go shopping in peace/watch a film without being interrupted every 3 minutes/not have to go around peppa pig land

My mate said the very same thing at the weekend, i have minded my nieces and nephews over the years and they are good fun but so tiring I couldn't have them full time and have my own life.

TBH to me it seems like taking on a 2nd full-time, very poorly paid, stressful job with long hours and a sackful of worry for intangible rewards. If someone posted a truthful job description of parenting I wonder how many would apply.

Of course this applies to those that actually parent and not those who want their child to be their best friend and minded by the TV or iPad.

Errata

Doctors don't assume people want children. Doctors treat medical ailments and not wanting children isn't an ailment as there are a vast number of ways women can avoid pregnancy and ergo not have children.

SandC

Whenever I hear the 'not having children is selfish' line I just ask if they think having kids is a selfless act to humanity then or just generally because people want them?

Goldiegirl

amistupid wrote: »

I respect your honesty but do feel a bit sorry for your OH who can't have you and children.

My brother and his wife have been married for over thirty years, they are in their mid fifties and decided from the outset not to have children.

I'm a couple of years older than them and have four children, the eldest in his mid thirties and the youngest in her mid twenties. When my kids were at school, I was quite envious of my brother and his wife; because they had no children, they seemed to have a lot more freedom and much more disposable income. On top of that bringing up children, although very rewarding can be extremely hard work.

However having now retired and just become a granddad, it's at this stage of my life that I'm really feeling the benefits of having children.

I'm sure my brother and his wife are still happy with the decision they made but I can't help feeling that old age will be a little more lonely for them.



I'm not saying you'll be like this but I've know several childless couples who've had dogs as 'substitute children'. They treated them like children and it looked very silly.

Could it be construed as being selfish to assume that your children and grandchildren will act as some sort of insurance policy against loneliness in old age?