I don't want children - Am I selfish?

Goldiegirl

ringo_24601 wrote: »

I've no interest in skydiving, but i know I'm missing out on an exhilarating pastime.

As much as you want to deny it, you're missing out on an experience in life, just as much as breeders are missing out on the experience of a lifetime of freedom (and probably a lot more holidays).

Wouldn't it be irresponsible (and selfish) to have a child for the sole reason for having a life experience?


Also, I've noticed that people with children are more likely to think about the life of freedom they are 'missing'.


People who don't have children rarely start imagining the life they might have had if they had children - probably because they were very secure and sure in the decision they took not to start a family

*~Zephyr~*

WorkFromHome wrote: »

I am hoping to have a hysterectomy in the near future. I am waiting to find out if I have advanced endometriosis by way of surgery. It has caused me much pain for 15 years and contraception (I've tried them all) has made me ill daily. I just want to live a healthy, happy child free rest of my life. I know I will have a struggle on my hands to convince my doctor to do it though. Why do Docs assume that women want children? I think they are the worst people to talk to if you don't want kids.

My OH had the snip in the end, because I couldn't stand the side effects any longer. That was bliss! 5 minute job to "fix" him rather than the major faffing about that would come with a hysterectomy (which they have point blank refused me anyway).

Once I hit 40, they stopped telling me that I'd change my mind about having kids and I thought "Great! Perhaps now they'll have some empathy" but no, the last time I went to the Docs to beg for help with my endometrial pain you know what they said? "well, if you'd had children it wouldn't be so bad". I was flabbergasted...

POPPYOSCAR

fierystormcloud wrote: »

This example is not a very good one. There are (maybe) many people in care homes with children who don't give a fig about them, (and that is probably why they are in a care home in the first place!!!) But there are many, many more people NOT in care homes, who have loving and caring adult children AND grandchildren!

There are millions of older people with children who have warm and loving relationships with their children, many who live no more than 10 to 30 minutes away, and who have grandchildren around weekly, or twice weekly. And there are many older people (I know several) who never had children who are quite lonely.

I live near a woman of 54 who never had children, as her and her husband were 'enough for her.' (They wed when he was 45 and she was 35.) He died 3 years ago when he was 61 and she was 51. Her parents died 5 years ago, and she is now totally alone as she has no siblings. Her mother's brother had no kids and her father was an only child, so she doesn't even have any cousins.

So this argument is just silly; yes I get that if you don't have children, it doesn't necessarily mean you will be a lonely old woman... But to suggest or imply (as several people have here,) that if you have children, you are more likely to be lonely, is ridiculous.

You can say to me that you know a dozen old women who had children, who are desperately lonely and sad because their kids don't come see them, and I will tell you I know a dozen old women who had children, who see them, and the grandchildren all the time. And I do. Most people I know who have children, DO have them in their lives AND the grandchildren too, and they most certainly do not regret having children.

I feel the lonely old person whose kids don't give a fig about them, are the exception, rather than the rule.



There is that too...

You missed the point entirely.


I was responding to the post about having children being an insurance policy for old age, which it is not always the case.


At no time did I say that everyone in care is ignored by their family. But what you never have you never miss and so to my mind it is worse for those used to having family in their lives to then lose that contact, than those that never had family in the first place.

[Deleted User]

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Wouldn't it be irresponsible (and selfish) to have a child for the sole reason for having a life experience?

Wouldn't it be irresponsible for everyone to make the same decision to not have kids? I am not equating parenthood with a Cub Scout badge.

I'm a bloke, i obviously don't get maternal. I'm pragmatic about it; if you don't want kids, don't have them. I'll admit, I do find it vaguely odd when stable adult couples don't procreate and normally assume it isn't through their own choice. However, since I'm a bloke, i'm not going to mention it.

Indigenous western populations are on a decline due to the number of couples deciding to not have kids. Maybe too many people are ducking out of parenthood than we can sustain?

LameWolf

Well, I'm another one who decided not to have children, and I've never regretted the decision. They're simply not for me; I don't have a maternal bone in me, and I'd have been a terrible mother.

DKLS

ringo_24601 wrote: »

I've no interest in skydiving, but i know I'm missing out on an exhilarating pastime.

As much as you want to deny it, you're missing out on an experience in life, just as much as breeders are missing out on the experience of a lifetime of freedom (and probably a lot more holidays).

I my case I tried the experience for 12 years albeit as a step parent. and tbh I cannot remember a single positive thing from the experience other than the day when my responsibilities ended and I couldn't see myself viewing it any other way if the child was mine, other than it would be more complex and harder to leave.

fairy_lights

ringo_24601 wrote: »

Indigenous western populations are on a decline due to the number of couples deciding to not have kids. Maybe too many people are ducking out of parenthood than we can sustain?

That doesn't bother me at all, the world already has too many people in it so isn't it a good thing if some populations have less children? there are still plenty of people in the world, and I couldn't give a hoot where they are indigenous to.

[Deleted User]

DKLS wrote: »

I my case I tried the experience for 12 years albeit as a step parent. and tbh I cannot remember a single positive thing from the experience other than the day when my responsibilities ended and I couldn't see myself viewing it any other way if the child was mine, other than it would be more complex and harder to leave.

One of my mates is a step-dad and the experience doesn't sound so great really. Kids can be manipulative at the best of times; let alone if they can use "You're not my real dad" against you.

I think i've probably been 'culturally brainwashed' to have kids Being childless by choice is quite unusual within my religion (Judaism, and no, I'm not especially religious). You're 'expected' to have at least 2 kids to keep the Tribes numbers up. (UK Average is 1.8). I'd have more if we could afford to house them and keep our family in a decent standard of living. We accept that is our 'selfish' decision to limit the size of our family

Goldiegirl

Wouldn't it be irresponsible for everyone to make the same decision to not have kids? I am not equating parenthood with a Cub Scout badge.

No less irresponsible than everyone having children, whether they are wanted or not

I'm a bloke, i obviously don't get maternal. I'm pragmatic about it; if you don't want kids, don't have them. I'll admit, I do find it vaguely odd when stable adult couples don't procreate and normally assume it isn't through their own choice. However, since I'm a bloke, i'm not going to mention it.

Just because a person is a woman it doesn't follow that she gets maternal - all people are individuals and people feel differently to others. I'm pragmatic too, if people want children, and they will care for them and can afford them, then have them - nothing to do with me. But I don't analyse their reasons for having children or how many they have or wonder if the children are really wanted or whether they are having children because they want to conform to societies norm. But I don't mention it, as it's none of my business and I'm not interested enough. It is much appreciated that, as a bloke you wouldn't mention that you find me vaguely odd, but it's a shame some women feel they can grill childfree woman about their fertility!

Indigenous western populations are on a decline due to the number of couples deciding to not have kids. Maybe too many people are ducking out of parenthood than we can sustain?

I'm quite sure we have enough people in the world, even if some western women are deciding not to have children

POPPYOSCAR

ringo_24601 wrote: »

One of my mates is a step-dad and the experience doesn't sound so great really. Kids can be manipulative at the best of times; let alone if they can use "You're not my real dad" against you.

I think i've probably been 'culturally brainwashed' to have kids Being childless by choice is quite unusual. You're 'expected' to have at least 2 kids to keep the Tribes numbers up. (UK Average is 1.8). I'd have more if we could afford to house them and keep our family in a decent standard of living. We accept that is our 'selfish' decision to limit the size of our family.

I was not culturally brainwashed to have children.I only wanted them as I wanted something that was a part of both of us, entirely selfish on my part.


Years ago many had little choice as contraception was not so freely available and reliable as now.


Now we have that choice and people can do what they feel is right for them and that IMO is a good thing.