I don't want children - Am I selfish?

lostinrates

Gloomendoom wrote: »

Two of my friends, both men, have quietly said to me that if they had their time again, they wouldn't have children. I've kept it to myself as, for the reasons outlined above, it might be taken the badly by their children, and their wives.

Yes, the reactions by some above show that its difficult for some to separate the ideas. Its believe possible to love children dearly while thinking perhaps its not a choice you'd make in retrospect.

I certainly think its not something to say on behalf of other people :eek:.

catkins

jaylee3 wrote: »

:T

I have to say I am also confused by that comment; why does someone not believe that people suddenly get broody? :huh: It happens a lot.

Clearly, this comment came from someone with no maternal instinct, but saying they don't believe people suddenly get broody is a very strange thing to say. As I said, it happens a lot.

Actually I do have a maternal instinct. I like children very much and have always played a big part in my nieces and nephews' lives. I had them stay with me, took them out for days and also took them on holiday from quite young ages.


I just think someone either definitely wants children, definitely doesn't want children or is undecided.


If you definitely do not want children why would you change your mind? Changing your mind only shows that you were never definitely sure you didn't want children. Those people should definitely not be asking to be sterilised.


Me and OH decided we did not want children for many reasons but none of them were because we didn't like them or wanted to have more money to spend on ourselves. Reasons often assumed by others as to why someone would decide they didn't want any.


We talking about it at length and we both agreed we did not want children and did not want any accidents. The pill did not agree with me and we were scared that I might get pregnant. I knew I would not be able to go through an abortion.


The reasons we decided against having children were not going to change so why would we change our minds?


We have never regretted our decision but occasionally over the years I have fleetingly thought it might have been nice to have been a mother. I love babies and almost every time I see one I have a few seconds of thinking "what if" but that is what it is - a few seconds.


We are meant to be intelligent beings and yet you are saying feeling broody overrides any sense!

catkins

allconnected wrote: »

The answer to that is so obvious it's ridiculous.

The ones that don't suddenly change their minds can still avoid having children, relatively simply.

The ones that do change their minds would be unable to do so if their request for sterilisation had been granted more readily

Maybe ridiculous to you but not to me it isn't. So because some people can't make a decision and stick to the ones that can have to be penalised do they?


Contraception is not 100% effective so not always possible to avoid having children if you don't want them. I couldn't take the pill so the risk was quite high and yet because my GP obviously didn't think I was capable of intelligent thinking I was refused an op.


Maybe everyone have a sterilisation or vasectomy should be told there is NO way to reverse it and then maybe they would think a bit harder and longer before asking for it.

LameWolf

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I think that if a person decides that they don't want to have children that is a perfectly legitimate choice. The only caveat I would add is be upfront with a prospective partner/spouse.

Very well said.

Thankfully that wasn't an issue with me and Mr LW; we were both "recycled" iyswim, and we both said we'd have thought twice about getting into a relationship if the other one had had a child in tow.

Fwiw, my mother told me straight out that she'd never wanted me; and I subsequently discovered (via my aunt) that she spent most of her only pregnancy in denial about actually being pregnant.

TBeckett100

I don't think it's selfish.

Is it selfish not to have the state pay to educate your child?
Is it selfish to want to get off the sofa and walk straight to the car and execute a departure within 60 seconds (every parent recalls when this happened)
Is it selfish to not have to repaint walls when kids write on them
Is it selfish to preserve trees, rather than cut thousands down to entertain 'scrawl'
Is it selfish to let your neighbours enjoy peace and quiet
Is it selfish to let others use the mother and child bays

There are plenty of pros to not having children just as there are benefits of having them. You should do what you want to. Some people don't enjoy dogs (I couldn't see the attraction of walking around parks swinging bags of animal poop). A child should be conceived where both parents want it. By making a conscious decision, you are behaving responsibly.

red_devil

Funny how women who keep havingkids and they have to keep being taken into care dont ask this question?

shiney85

As someone who is not remotely maternal I do struggle to understand how a sane, previously happily child-free, woman can suddenly have this overwhelming urge to bear a child, but it must happen, so many people say it happened to them!

I hope to God it never happens to me, my OH and I don't want children, I've asked my OH to slap me (metaphorically at least) if I ever go baby-crazy, and to remind me that we don't want all the stress, money worries, and issues that children would bring. We both had difficult childhoods, divorced parents, no money, both bullied, we both had illnesses, any child of ours might be born with a lazy eye (him) and cleft palate (me), just the thought is cruel enough!

Children are bl**dy hard work and all respect to people who want to go through that, but we've decided to work hard at our careers, have enough money to buy a nice home, cars, holidays, food and drink, and have enough to look after our parents and younger siblings should they require looking after.

Any decision you make in life should be a little bit selfish, you have to look out for number one, just so long as you aren't hurting anyone.

kboss2010

jaylee3 wrote: »

Really? Did they tell you this? And if so, why?

Someone enlighten me. Why would anyone regret having their children?

Because they cost you money, cause relationships to break down and show a side of yourself that might be the polar opposite of why your partner chose you.

I'm not being melodramatic, I'm speaking from the experience of seeing my own parents go through this and actively choosing to never put myself (or a child!) in the middle of that ever again.

My dad waxed lyrical about how he wanted children but he, like most men I'm afraid to say, had no idea of the day-to-day practicalities of raising a child, much less those with a wife with serious and worsening health problems. Loving them is nowhere near enough, I'm afraid to say.

In the end she left him because she couldn't live that life anymore playing breadwinner, sensible parent and business partner as well as holding down a full-time job of her own and coping with her health problems. And she herself I suspect was forced into a corner where having kids was concerned because she was told that waiting even a few years would make the decision for her. My mum made so many sacrifices in her life for me that, quite frankly, I don't want to have to make.

Could I do it if I needed to? Probably. But why should I have to when not doing so is a very welcome option available to me?

I would love to see some realistic statistics about the success and failure rates of relationships with and without children over a long period. Because almost all studies I've seen suggest that, over their lifetimes, people without children are happier than those with. And I'm genuinely curious as to why that may be beyond the superficial.

fierystormcloud

kboss2010 wrote: »

Because they cost you money, cause relationships to break down and show a side of yourself that might be the polar opposite of why your partner chose you.

I'm not being melodramatic, I'm speaking from the experience of seeing my own parents go through this and actively choosing to never put myself (or a child!) in the middle of that ever again.

My dad waxed lyrical about how he wanted children but he, like most men I'm afraid to say, had no idea of the day-to-day practicalities of raising a child, much less those with a wife with serious and worsening health problems. Loving them is nowhere near enough, I'm afraid to say.

In the end she left him because she couldn't live that life anymore playing breadwinner, sensible parent and business partner as well as holding down a full-time job of her own and coping with her health problems. And she herself I suspect was forced into a corner where having kids was concerned because she was told that waiting even a few years would make the decision for her. My mum made so many sacrifices in her life for me that, quite frankly, I don't want to have to make.

Could I do it if I needed to? Probably. But why should I have to when not doing so is a very welcome option available to me?

I would love to see some realistic statistics about the success and failure rates of relationships with and without children over a long period. Because almost all studies I've seen suggest that, over their lifetimes, people without children are happier than those with. And I'm genuinely curious as to why that may be beyond the superficial.

What 'studies?' Evidence please?

I have never heard in my entire LIFE that single childfree women have 'happier lives' or happier relationships than women with kids. And all this 'oh but *I* can just swan off to Paris whenever I can yada yada' attitude, is just laughable; people with kids can do that! And also, who says that people with kids don't do EVERYthing childfree people do!!! (And more!!!) How narrow minded and laughable are some of the attitudes on here!!!

I see a LOT of childfree on here who seem to be trying to convince everyone how happy they are childfree, and how miserable their 'friends' are who have children, and how EVERYONE they know with children regrets it.

Also, the childfree people on here almost ALL seem to conveniently have parents who regretted having them. Oh by they aren't being malicious apparently! :eek:

But yes there are a lot of VERY defensive childfree on here.

If you don't want kids, don't have 'em. But quit trying to convince everyone how much better the life of a childfree person/childfree single person is compared to someone with kids. The saying 'methinks the lady doth protest too much' springs to mind.

Some of the tales I have heard on here are just too OTT to believe to be honest.

And FWIW, I know more couples who never had kids break up, than couples who DID have them.

But I suppose someone will come on and say 'they are just staying together for the kids...' *yawn*

fierystormcloud

Quizzical_Squirrel wrote: »

I haven't heard this from women but I have heard several men say something to the effect of: they love their children but don't actually like them very much. Liking being a different thing from the love they feel.

The first time I heard this I found it a little shocking but having heard it a few times now, I wonder if a not insignificant proportion of men feel the same way and wouldn't have made that choice for themselves.

I have a suspicion that a lot of men like the idea of being a father but perhaps regret actually having to live with a child. Men, after all, don't seem to have as much choice in the matter and we don't hear much about their paternal drive. I wonder how strong it actually is amongst the general population?

I also wonder how many women feel the same way but society will not allow them to admit it?

Nah there is probably not that many: only in the imaginations of the childfree by choice who desperately try to convince themselves that all parents hate their children.

Seriously, this thread is hilarious. :rotfl: