I don't want children - Am I selfish?

POPPYOSCAR

Jagraf wrote: »

Another one here who knows the reality of having kids and can definitely say its a different ball game. I respect those who make a decision to not "tow the family line" and I agree, no one has Sid anything detrimental to those with kids. Certainly the first few years were no picnic. At all. I wouldn't do it again. ( love DD vey much but don't like the experience of being a parent).

Personally I can't wait to be child free (ie kids coming of age!) again, counting down the hours to becoming human once more.

And then the grandchildren come along!

Jagraf

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

And then the grandchildren come along!

:eek::eek::eek: yes but I will spoil them rotten then give them back. :rotfl:

POPPYOSCAR

Jagraf wrote: »

:eek::eek::eek: yes but I will spoil them rotten then give them back. :rotfl:

Very true!


As they say "Grandchildren are your reward for not strangling your teenagers"

bugslet

Fiery, in my comments, I have included that of my two closest friends, one would rather have not had her two and the other is sad that she was not able to have more thaw one, in other words balance. I am no making friends up to complete a personal perspective.

Again, relating purely to myself, I have never claimed to be swanning off here and there. In fact in nearly 24 years I have had 6 holidays - not exactly hedonistic. However, it would have been impossible to build up my business in the way that I did. Note, I am not saying all businesses, merely mine.

As for being happier, I am happier childfree simply because I don't liike children. As I said before that I am happy for my friends when they have their children, simply because it brings them joy. I find just accepting others lifestyle choice makes my life less stressful all round.

I also think if you are having a discussion with your mother as a young woman, about how life might pan out and you ask a direct question, then a direct answer is a good thing. She might have wished retrospectively not to have had me, but she also loved me - the two are not incompatible.

Gavin83

kboss2010 wrote: »

I'm a scientist, I'm not criticising at all. I'm genuinely interested why studies such as the 5 quoted in this blog: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/why-does-anyone-have-children/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1

and many others often come to the conclusion that childless lives are overall happier.

And, as to your question that most child free by choice people had parents who hated them, perhaps an unhappy upbringing does have a significant impact on that decision? I suspect that if I'd come from a home like my best friend's where their parents were (and still are) happily married, comfortable financially and shared responsibilities equally then my opinion might be different.

My parents love me but I saw how tough raising me was on my mum. Raising children is the most time-consuming, expensive and life-altering thing most people ever do. If you enjoy the rewards that brings then fantastic but, personally, the occasional bedtime hug and piece of refrigerator art isn't worth the mess, stress & burden.

I don't want children but had a very happy childhood and couldn't have been more wanted so I don't think it's that. I just genuinely think you either have the urge or you don't, an inbuilt desire.

catkins

fierystormcloud wrote: »

And all this 'oh but *I* can just swan off to Paris whenever I can yada yada' attitude, is just laughable; people with kids can do that! And also, who says that people with kids don't do EVERYthing childfree people do!!! (And more!!!) How narrow minded and laughable are some of the attitudes on here!!!

I see a LOT of childfree on here who seem to be trying to convince everyone how happy they are childfree, and how miserable their 'friends' are who have children, and how EVERYONE they know with children regrets it.

Also, the childfree people on here almost ALL seem to conveniently have parents who regretted having them. Oh by they aren't being malicious apparently! :eek:

But yes there are a lot of VERY defensive childfree on here.

If you don't want kids, don't have 'em. But quit trying to convince everyone how much better the life of a childfree person/childfree single person is compared to someone with kids. The saying 'methinks the lady doth protest too much' springs to mind.

Some of the tales I have heard on here are just too OTT to believe to be honest.

And FWIW, I know more couples who never had kids break up, than couples who DID have them.

But I suppose someone will come on and say 'they are just staying together for the kids...' *yawn*

Wow what a patronising and rude post.


I don't see posts where people are going on about being able to go on holiday because they don't have children. As I have already said, there were lots of reasons me and OH decided not to have children but one of these certainly was NOT so we could have lots of holidays. In fact we have had very few holidays over the years.


Me and OH ARE happy being childfree, sorry if that annoys you. I have never said ALL my friends with children regret having them. Some do and some don't or at least they have never said they do. I also do not have parents who have ever said or shown that they regret having me. Sorry your theory is rubbish.


I am not sure which posts you feel are OTT or laughable - well apart from yours!


Of course you know more childfree couples that have split up than couples with kids. I don't but then I know far more couples with children than without.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

Nah there is probably not that many: only in the imaginations of the childfree by choice who desperately try to convince themselves that all parents hate their children.

Seriously, this thread is hilarious. :rotfl:

The only hilarious posts that I can see on this thread all appear to be yours.


Why would I or any other childfree person feel the need to convince ourselves that all parents hate their children? I can assure you that all the men and women that have said to me that given a chance to go back they would choose not to have children have NEVER said they hate their children. They have usually said they love them but would choose not to have any.


Over many years, living in about 10 different places in this country and a couple of places abroad and having met lots of people I can assure you that I have not imagined the ones that have said they would choose not to have children if they could go back in time.

fierystormcloud wrote: »

What I am saying is that you can virtually do the same things and have the same experiences with kids, that you can have without them; probably more.

Also, I bet all the childfree people who are ranting on about how they can go for cosy weekends and great holidays together and have this awesome boho life together, don't do ANY of what they are trying to make out they do. :rotfl:

You keep telling yourself whatever you want if it makes you happy. And you keep trying to convince yourself childfree are soooooo much happier than people with kids.

Doesn't make it true.

You're convincing no-one.

All I am seeing on here is a bunch of childfree people who are DESPERATE to convince everyone they are soooooo much happier than people with kids, with a MUCH better life than them. And all these childfree know soooooo many people who hate their kids! :rotfl:

You couldn't make it up!

As I said 'methinks the ladies doth protest too much.'

Another rubbish post. Where are the posts where people rant on about holidays etc? In your imagination maybe?


I am not trying to convince anyone about anything. I AM happy. OH IS happy. We are childfree by choice. If we had decided to have children maybe we would still be as happy - who knows. I am sure there are childfree couples who are not happy. I am sure there are some that are divorced or are going to be divorced but I doubt that is because they don't have children. I am sure there are couples with children who are not happy but that it is not necessarily because they have children.


I don't know if you have children or not and, to be honest, I don't care but you seem to have some sort of problem with anyone who dares to say they are childfree and happy

zagfles

kboss2010 wrote: »

I'm a scientist, I'm not criticising at all. I'm genuinely interested why studies such as the 5 quoted in this blog: http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/04/01/why-does-anyone-have-children/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=1

and many others often come to the conclusion that childless lives are overall happier.

Studies like that miss the point completely. For a start, you can't compare the "happiness" level of people who choose to have children with those who don't and then assume people would have the "happiness" level of the other group if they'd made the other decision! Which is what these type of articles always seems to imply.

That would be like a study that shows people who like knitting are generally happier than people who like extreme sports and suggesting that extreme sports junkies should take up knitting because it'll make them happier :rotfl:

My parents love me but I saw how tough raising me was on my mum. Raising children is the most time-consuming, expensive and life-altering thing most people ever do. If you enjoy the rewards that brings then fantastic but, personally, the occasional bedtime hug and piece of refrigerator art isn't worth the mess, stress & burden.

Again, you miss the point completely. I've got a friend who's a mad Man United fan. As far as I can see, it causes him nothing but stress. I've seen him watching a match, he gets angry all the time, foul, bad referreeing decision, the only visible sign of any joy is when they score, but it doesn't last long, then it's back to stress and tension, until the final whistle.

I'm sure studies would show he's less happy than someone like me who watches football without really caring too much about who wins, and enjoys displays of skill whoever scores.

But's that's not the point, he couldn't simply choose be like me, it's not his personality, it's not who he is.

zagfles

Gavin83 wrote: »

Do they not? It strikes me that men have the same choice as women in if they want children or not. Naturally if theres an accident their rights are practically zero but until that point it's fairly equal.

In my experience a lot of men have a paternal drive. I know a lot of men who have been extremely focused on having children and have wanted nothing more. I know of several couples where the man was much more keen to have children than the woman as well.

Yup I'm one of them. Even with (now) grumpy ungrateful teenagers, I find it quite hard watching our home videos of when the kids were young without being overwhelmed by a sense of almost grief for the loss of that time when the kids were young and the desire to repeat it with more. Totally impractical and illogical at our stage of life...and my wife is luckily far more level headed than me!

I don't buy the whole scenario of women pushing men into having children. I just don't think it's that common.

Though I'd disagree with this - I think it's quite common and usually ends badly. I've known blokes who show no interest in kids who become parents just because it's what their wife wants - and it usually ends badly.

I remember a conversation with a neighbour, just after we had our first. Pushing baby in pram, he stopped for a chat, he talked about all sorts of crap but all the time I was thinking - my new baby is in the pram, why are you showing no interest, surely you want to see her, why are you talking about rubbish like football and traffic when my new baby who you've never seen is right here! And he went off without even having a look or asking any questions about her! Unbelievable I thought. But then walking off and recovering from this massive snub, I came to the blatently obvious conclusion that some people simply have no interest in babies.

The point being - a year later, his wife gave birth! Couldn't believe it. Bumped into him few weeks after and again he seemed to show no interest in even his own baby! Thought - they'll split up soon and the CSA will have to chase him. Was right - he's now abroad and no-one seems to know where, and she's a single parent.

PenguinOfDeath

zagfles wrote: »

I remember a conversation with a neighbour, just after we had our first. Pushing baby in pram, he stopped for a chat, he talked about all sorts of crap but all the time I was thinking - my new baby is in the pram, why are you showing no interest, surely you want to see her, why are you talking about rubbish like football and traffic when my new baby who you've never seen is right here! And he went off without even having a look or asking any questions about her! Unbelievable I thought. But then walking off and recovering from this massive snub, I came to the blatently obvious conclusion that some people simply have no interest in babies.
.

:rotfl: This reminded me of me a couple of years ago, I bumped into an ex-colleague in a supermarket. She had recently had a baby which I'd heard about, I gave it a polite glance and smile, said the usual congratulations then carried on chatting to the woman about work, people etc. The look on her face seemed to wonder why we weren't talking about the child.

Hedgehog99

PenguinOfDeath wrote: »

:rotfl: This reminded me of me a couple of years ago, I bumped into an ex-colleague in a supermarket. She had recently had a baby which I'd heard about, I gave it a polite glance and smile, said the usual congratulations then carried on chatting to the woman about work, people etc. The look on her face seemed to wonder why we weren't talking about the child.

I bumped in to an old school friend who's been ardently childfree at school, but who now had a school-age child. She went on and on an on about how hard it was, juggling working & getting her child to school etc. - incapable of talking about anything else. I do find it sad when parents lose their own identities in the mire of nappies.