Did you live with your husband/wife before marriage?

DevilsAdvocate1

We bought a brand new house which was due to be ready 2 weeks before the wedding, but the builder offered us a different plot 6 months early (with a massive discount). We could have lived together, but none of our parents were happy about this. So we rented our house out for 6 months until the wedding and then moved in together after the honeymoon.

Will have been married 20 years next month and wouldn't change anything. Got married in 1995.

BarryBlue

j.e.j. wrote: »

Paradoxically I think the divorce rate is higher among couples who have lived together for years before marrying! It used to be the case, anyway.

I think if you want to live as a married couple then you should get married. If you just want a boyfriend/girlfriend, then just live together.

I suspect your first assertion, if true, is likely to be down to the fact that people with old-fashioned or religiously influenced attitudes to cohabiting are also likely to have similar views on divorce. You know what I mean, some people would never countenance divorce, no matter how miserable their relationship, because they once uttered "Till death us do part".

I can't agree with your second assertion. If people wish to live together then it is entirely up to them whether they marry or not. It isn't for you to tell them what they should do. I am quite surprised that some people didn't consider living together before marriage because of what their parents might think. We lived together for many years before actually marrying and it made no difference at all to our relationship. Nobody's business but ours.:p

LameWolf

BarryBlue wrote: »

I suspect your first assertion, if true, is likely to be down to the fact that people with old-fashioned or religiously influenced attitudes to cohabiting are also likely to have similar views on divorce. You know what I mean, some people would never countenance divorce, no matter how miserable their relationship, because they once uttered "Till death us do part".

That sounds about right; my parents were totally anti-divorce under any circumstances; they even regarded my divorced aunt (my mother's sister) as some sort of demon-spawn, and they themselves remained married to the bitter end even though they loathed each other.

When Mr LW and I got married we made our promise "for as long as love shall last".

Torry_Quine

BarryBlue wrote: »

I suspect your first assertion, if true, is likely to be down to the fact that people with old-fashioned or religiously influenced attitudes to cohabiting are also likely to have similar views on divorce. You know what I mean, some people would never countenance divorce, no matter how miserable their relationship, because they once uttered "Till death us do part".

I can't agree with your second assertion. If people wish to live together then it is entirely up to them whether they marry or not. It isn't for you to tell them what they should do. I am quite surprised that some people didn't consider living together before marriage because of what their parents might think. We lived together for many years before actually marrying and it made no difference at all to our relationship. Nobody's business but ours.:p

It does seem strange to me that some people start living together almost casually with no thought of it being for the long term. If people want to live together rather than marry then that's obviously an entirely individual choice but the same thought should go into it as getting married.

I do think that some people get divorced for what may seem to the outside as trivial reasons but no-one knows what goes on behind closed doors and I for one have never told someone personally they were wrong to divorce.

missbiggles1

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It does seem strange to me that some people start living together almost casually with no thought of it being for the long term. If people want to live together rather than marry then that's obviously an entirely individual choice but the same thought should go into it as getting married.

I don't agree with that at all.

Living together doesn't have to be a committed relationship (although obviously it can be) and in many cases it's just a practical arrangement based on the waste of renting two places to live when only one is being used.

Buying a place together is obviously a commitment of a kind, but renting together can be just a convenience and absolutely nothing like a marriage.

Torry_Quine

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I don't agree with that at all.

Living together doesn't have to be a committed relationship (although obviously it can be) and in many cases it's just a practical arrangement based on the waste of renting two places to live when only one is being used.

Buying a place together is obviously a commitment of a kind, but renting together can be just a convenience and absolutely nothing like a marriage.

I would hope that if you are living together then you are in a committed relationship! People who live together say that it's the same as marriage and going into it for convenience and not intending it for the long-term is not the same as marriage.

catkins

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It does seem strange to me that some people start living together almost casually with no thought of it being for the long term. If people want to live together rather than marry then that's obviously an entirely individual choice but the same thought should go into it as getting married.

I lived with someone before I met OH and so did he. I certainly never intended marrying the guy I lived with and OH says he never intended marrying the girl he lived with.

Torry_Quine

catkins wrote: »

I lived with someone before I met OH and so did he. I certainly never intended marrying the guy I lived with and OH says he never intended marrying the girl he lived with.

I didn't say that you should only live with someone if you intend at some point to marry. What I said was how can living together be considered to be the same as marriage for those people who see it as a non-permanent thing. Yes marriages can and sadly do end but people do at least marry with the intention of it being for life, anything else isn't equivalent to marriage and never will be.

Threebabes

Yes

We bought a house together after 18 month, and then got married 2 1/2 years later. Been married nearly 18 year now X

FreddieFrugal

Southernman wrote: »

So my question is, what was your approach and if you could go back would you change anything?

I'm the same age as you. When my wife and I first started going out we were living with our parents. I would stay with her at the weekend and during holidays at her parents house. Was great as her parents were often away staying in Italy for months at a time, meant we were properly living together, cooking and cleaning. This wasn't perfect when they were back though as although her parents are lovely I think they and she really needed a break from each other and they wanted to finally be kid free. They get on so much better now that they're not living together! They want us to visit all the time, now that we're not there.

Importantly when I went back home on Sundays it didn't feel like going home anymore. We both missed each other so much and was obvious that we both wanted to live together. We'd done so much together that we both knew we'd be fine but we also had the good humour necessary to deal with things when they hadn't gone well. Learning how to live together wasn't difficult for us...most of the time.

So this was for about a year. Once we had both got reasonably stable jobs we rented a two bed house which we lived in for two years before buying a house in the next street directly behind and opposite our old rented house. I proposed to her on Christmas Day about two weeks before we started looking at houses and put a successful offer on second one we viewed. Had space for a dishwasher! A job I was more than happy to relinquish.

So we've been together just over 4 years. Living together in our own place for 3.

We got married two months ago (although I think we were married in all but name long before) small wedding, was a lovely day.
Don't regret a thing. Just wish we'd met sooner!

In my view you should do whatever feels right. I think it's incorrect to feel that you MUST marry someone before you live with them on any grounds. I also know that many people do marry very happily without having lived together. It's all about trust and your own personal feelings towards it.

If you both want to live together and you trust in each other then do it! If you both want to get married and trust in each other then do that!

My only extra point would be if you did decide to marry please don't impoverish yourself or dive into excessive debt to do it. No one should start their life together that way (feel i should say that, this being a money saving website)