Did you live with your husband/wife before marriage?

missbiggles1

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You are all making my point though. It is constantly said on MSE and other places that living together is the same as being married but as shown here it isn't in all cases. Why then are people castigated for expressing what is patently true?

I think you've misunderstood what people have said.

BarryBlue

onlyroz wrote: »

I never saw the point in long engagements that go on for years and years. If you want to get married then just do it. But I do think it's sensible to live with somebody for a little while before you get married - I don't think you can truly know that you love somebody until you've seen them exhausted and grumpy after a bad day at work, and until you know their habits, levels of cleanliness, attitude towards housework and cooking etc etc.

Never saw the point of engagements, frankly. My wife and I were together for over 20 years before getting married but we were never engaged. We actually decided to do the deed in the kitchen one night whilst cooking dinner and discussing financial matters.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

In my opinion then how can living together be considered equivalent to marriage if treated so casually?:o

That's because you simply don't get it. When I was with the girlfriend of 4 years, mentioned earlier, neither of us considered it to be even remotely to do with marriage. Nor did we ever believe it was a long term thing, it was really just a "friends with benefits" arrangement, although that wasn't the term used in those days.


People can have whatever domestic arrangements they like. All I would say is that the main indication of commitment in a relationship is investing in a property together, not a marriage certificate.

onlyroz wrote: »

Having your boyfriend/girlfriend move in with a few bags, putting their toothbrush in the bathroom and clearing out a few drawers for him/her in the bedroom is one thing. But buying a property together and having both your names on the deeds, or signing a joint tenancy agreement is another thing entirely. I wouldn't say that living together is equivalent to marriage unless you've both got a financial stake in the property.

I would agree. A couple who live together and have a stake in a property have a relationship which is absolutely 100% equivalent to being married. The legal bits can be sorted at any time. Plenty of people co-habit with no intention of a marriage and that is entirely their choice, nothing wrong with that at all. It may well be that some people do so with a view to seeing if they are compatible for a permanent relationship, far better to do that than find out after getting married that it's not right for you.

Torry_Quine

missbiggles1 wrote: »

I think you've misunderstood what people have said.

Possibly, but that's how I interpreted what was written.

BarryBlue wrote: »

Never saw the point of engagements, frankly. My wife and I were together for over 20 years before getting married but we were never engaged. We actually decided to do the deed in the kitchen one night whilst cooking dinner and discussing financial matters.




That's because you simply don't get it. When I was with the girlfriend of 4 years, mentioned earlier, neither of us considered it to be even remotely to do with marriage. Nor did we ever believe it was a long term thing, it was really just a "friends with benefits" arrangement, although that wasn't the term used in those days.


People can have whatever domestic arrangements they like. All I would say is that the main indication of commitment in a relationship is investing in a property together, not a marriage certificate.




I would agree. A couple who live together and have a stake in a property have a relationship which is absolutely 100% equivalent to being married. The legal bits can be sorted at any time. Plenty of people co-habit with no intention of a marriage and that is entirely their choice, nothing wrong with that at all. It may well be that some people do so with a view to seeing if they are compatible for a permanent relationship, far better to do that than find out after getting married that it's not right for you.

When you discussed it and decided you would get married that was you engaged.

Yes many people do live together without being married and of course it's up to them. I just think it's wrong to criticise someone for saying marriage and living together aren't the same when clearly tey often aren't. :mad:

Personally I can't imaging living with someone without it being seen and hope to be permanent ie marriage.

jayII

It's surely different for every couple? Some people will be more committed to their co-habitee than others are to their spouse. It's simply human nature for some people to have more emotional commitment and sticking-power than others. Some relationships are also smoother than others, for 1001 reasons, so are more likely to work--regardless of any bits of paper, houses, or other outside factors.

I was very committed to my OH long before we married, though we didn't live together until after the marriage. We've lasted 25 years and are still very happy, but I don't think that means that marriage is right, or important, for every couple. It was just a good choice for us.

Overall, I think all that counts is that the couple are happy with their choice and don't marry (or not marry) due to peer or family pressures, or because they desire a grand wedding above all else.

Georgiegirl256

Torry_Quine wrote: »

You are all making my point though. It is constantly said on MSE and other places that living together is the same as being married but as shown here it isn't in all cases. Why then are people castigated for expressing what is patently true?

No, it is not true, it is merely your opinion. Just because that is what you believe does not make it correct. An unmarried couple can be just as committed as a married couple. No one has a right to say that their feelings and love for one another aren't as valid.

BarryBlue

Torry_Quine wrote: »

When you discussed it and decided you would get married that was you engaged.

Yes many people do live together without being married and of course it's up to them. I just think it's wrong to criticise someone for saying marriage and living together aren't the same when clearly tey often aren't. :mad:

Personally I can't imaging living with someone without it being seen and hope to be permanent ie marriage.

No, we weren't engaged at all. To us it is a meaningless term so we just skipped that bit. It was entirely up to us, nobody else. And, of course, we didn't tell anybody else.

Yes, "often" living together isn't the same as being married, but just as "often" it is. Again, entirely what the individuals want. No idea why it would make you :mad: though, as it's not your business.;)

You may not be able to imagine being in a casual living-together arrangement, but that's you, possibly some religious angle tied in there. It didn't bother me whatsoever, but nobody has the right to judge me or claim to be better than me because of it. Now I am married, I feel no different from when we lived together for over 20 years.

Gloomendoom

catkins wrote: »

I lived with someone before I met OH and so did he. I certainly never intended marrying the guy I lived with and OH says he never intended marrying the girl he lived with.

This post would seem to confirm that living together doesn't always demonstrate the same commitment as being married.

Which is the point TQ is trying to make. I think.

POPPYOSCAR

Gloomendoom wrote: »

This post would seem to confirm that living together doesn't always demonstrate the same commitment as being married.

Which is the point TQ is trying to make. I think.

Sorry but for some being married does not demonstrate commitment either.


I truly believe that for some it is more about 'the day' then anything else.

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Sorry but for some being married does not demonstrate commitment either.


I truly believe that for some it is more about 'the day' then anything else.

People have different levels of commitment in all types of relationship. But its regrettable for all when people become entangled with financial entanglements, children or a marriage contract when they are NOT committed. Which ever order they come in.

BarryBlue

Gloomendoom wrote: »

This post would seem to confirm that living together doesn't always demonstrate the same commitment as being married.

Which is the point TQ is trying to make. I think.

Difficult to know what her point is. There has been a shift in position since #89 & #91 where the implication was that living together was never the same as marriage. Not the first time when trying to backtrack.;)

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Sorry but for some being married does not demonstrate commitment either.

I truly believe that for some it is more about 'the day' then anything else.

I have seen this on a few occasions with people I know. They were known as "starter marriages" where a couple would have the big wedding almost on a whim, realise it wasn't for them, then divorce before any kids arrived. It's amazing how many people seem to have been married before their current relationship.