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Constant Nit-picking - tips or strategy to deal with

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  • Heffi1
    Heffi1 Posts: 1,291 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic Combo Breaker
    I think I would have to stop what I was doing each and every time he decided that a thing had to be moved, and ask exactly what he was doing and why. Did he think you had finished with the item, or do you think you might need to use it again soon, when the item was finished with, then, would be a good time for it to be put away, not while being used, i.e. when cooking, nobody is allowed to touch what I am preparing, I usually have sharp utensils and the like, so it is better if you get out of my way so I don't accidentally cause an accident.


    If my food was not up to their exacting standards, I have in the past said things like, this is your dinner, it may not be quite good enough for you, but it is the best you are going to get this evening, you either eat it and shut up or go hungry, the kitchen closes after I finish this meal and I will not be waiting on anyone again today.


    I would be challenging each and everytime he made a comment, no matter how good natured it was made, and tell him, he is doing it again, give him the opportunity to realise just how often he criticises you and to say that you are not happy with it.


    "Stop why did you say that, you are criticising me again"
    repeat as many times as he criticises he will soon see a pattern.


    Then both of you sit down and work out your deal breaker limits, if it means you need to be a bit more prepared and careful with housework, then say you will try, he needs to give something up too, in his case I would suggest the harping on all the time has to cease, if not then you will go on strike and he can see just what you do actually do.


    You are either happy to continue this dance or you are not, you need to make your mind up where to draw the line and hold up your hand to say STOP no further!!
    :) Been here for a long time and don't often post
  • meer53
    meer53 Posts: 10,217 Forumite
    Tenth Anniversary 10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    SingleSue wrote: »
    That could be my story too....

    Before the marriage ended, we had got to the point that myself and the boys were on eggshells just before he came home, dreading what he would get annoyed about. Nothing we did was ever good enough and we knew (and expected, no matter how hard we tried), that the result would be flying items, lots of shouting and aggression.

    My confidence and self esteem had been completely eroded. I felt inferior, was made inferior but at the time, didn't really realise what had been happening.

    I pushed back on occasions, after being told I didn't iron his shirts correctly, I refused to iron them. He was soon being pulled up at work because his shirts were not up to standard but no matter how hard he tried to get me to do them again, I always always refused.

    At the end, I felt bleak, I was crushed, I was no longer me. My life was all about keeping him happy so we didn't have the explosions...never worked as there was always something that either myself or the boys had done wrong (or things that had gone wrong in his day was somehow my fault).

    He hadn't always been aggressive about it though, it had started with little pointers, little aside comments etc.

    The boys say that the best thing that happened to them was when our marriage broke down (after he had an affair), they could finally start to have a voice, they could be children and have fun. Eldest is convinced he would not now be at uni, middle son is convinced he would be in prison and certainly not going to uni this year.

    He still tries now to make me feel inferior or not good enough but I am stronger now and refuse to be intimidated by him.


    Spooky or what :eek:

    Parallel lives, i'm just pleased he had the affair otherwise i might still be trapped ! Looking back, thats exactly how it was.

    My ex has called this morning to see our daughter, he doesn't bother me anymore, because i really don't care what he thinks about me or how i live my life. We're friends, we get on better now than we ever did when we were together !
  • jayII
    jayII Posts: 40,693 Forumite
    I couldn't live with it, but everyone is different.

    In your shoes I'd tackle it head on and try to agree some areas of compromise... if you agree to make a special effort to keep X area clean/tidy, will he agree to relax about Y?

    I'd also be downing tools and telling him to take over if he criticised my cooking or other activity whilst I was doing it.

    I do put things away for my OH but I only criticise him if something is really making life difficult for me, like him filling the kitchen worksurfaces with his 'stuff', when I'm about to cook supper after a long day at work. When he cooks, cleans and so on, I stay away unless he asks for help, because we do things very differently and the temptation to offer 'advice' can be hard to resist. :o
    [FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot] Fighting the biggest battle of my life. :( Started 30th January 2018.
    [/FONT]
    [/FONT]
  • JWM
    JWM Posts: 469 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts
    edited 24 May 2015 at 11:05AM
    BigAunty wrote: »
    Lights get switched off over my head and mug/coaster gets moved in front of me. The pouring of wine is strictly limited to half way up the glass which is apparently the optimum quantity for maximum breathing and the right type of glass must be used. I must ensure the screw cap is back on tight and wipe the neck of the bottle. If given a recipe to cook for guests, I must not deviate from it by using different ingredients or herbs than those listed. Also, I mustn't eat their cheese without permission as it's expensive and though they barely ever eat biscuits I must never finish a packet by myself but must leave some in the packet because its rude to eat the whole packet even over the course of a week (okay, I am a greedy snacker and can pretty much get through an entire packet of jaffas in one sitting).

    This is scary.

    AllI can say is:

    RUN

    As fast as you can and don't ever go back. Why allow someone to dictate to you in this way?

    It won't get better it will only get worse as they get older. Just get out.
  • no1catman
    no1catman Posts: 2,973 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts I've been Money Tipped!
    And it's not a good sign that the Op hasn't made any more recent posts!
    I used to work for Tesco - now retired - speciality Clubcard
  • amistupid
    amistupid Posts: 55,997 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Photogenic I've been Money Tipped!
    My wife said to me, "If you weren't such a nitpicker we'd have less arguments."

    I said, "It's fewer arguments."
    In memory of Chris Hyde #867
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    BigAunty wrote: »
    How would you deal with a partner who constantly critiques and changes everything in the house? There's no aggression.

    For example, an offer to cook dinner (if accepted at all) will usually involve feedback about using the wrong type of oil, under or over seasoning, using the wrong type of pan or utensils and putting the food on the wrong type of plate while also perhaps choosing the wrong type of veg to go with it, plus a complaint about the mess left in the kitchen. Dishes are stirred, seasoning is added and there are usually strict instructions about what food types go with what spices and any deviation from it causes upset. Items put back in the fridge and cupboards are usually reshuffled.

    Spring cleaning the house usually involves being advised what bits have been missed, what cleaning products should have been used instead and that the wrong scented candles or incense has been lit. Coasters, ornaments, fruitbowls and plants get moved back to their original places if they aren't in the same place. There is, for example, a specific place to store spare loo rolls and put bottles of toiletries because they always move to that spot when they are a foot or two away.

    Shopping usually results in being told that the wrong items have been purchased or in the wrong quantities while items that were needed have not been remembered.

    Each return to the house after work seems to involve some kind of inspection in the rooms to correct things that have been put in the wrong place and a critique of whether or not the daily tasks (like cat-feeding, emptying the cat tray, dish washer emptying, manual washing up, emptying the dishwasher and laundry) have been done as expected, and to the right standard. Bags, shoes and coats that are apparently out of place migrate back into the correct spot.

    So any tips on dealing with this kind of interference, scrutiny and micro management?

    If I could deal with that, I'd let the partner do everything that they wanted to do in their way (so that sounds like just about everything!). Have the partners both talked about this? Has the non-perfectionist explained how they feel when they are critiqued by the perfectionist?
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    BigAunty wrote: »
    Never any raised voices, nothing that feels dictatorial, at most the occasional sigh or sign of exasperation.

    There's almost a kind of enthusiasm to it as if its being helpful or it is the correct way to do things, with many things done without comment, such as moving items back into their proper place (including ones that I have occasionally deliberately moved out of curiosity to see how long it takes for it to be noticed - not long at all - and how many times in a row it will be moved back - always).

    Tonight I was dissuaded from changing the hoover attachment to hoover the sofa as the one on the appliance already was definately the right one. A courteous explanation was given why it was the correct one and why I shouldn't change it.

    so how does that make you feel? like you've been helped and appreciated for doing the task, or not?
  • balletshoes
    balletshoes Posts: 16,610 Forumite
    edited 24 May 2015 at 12:28PM
    BigAunty wrote: »
    Yeah, I've made comments to the effect that I feel I'm under surveillance. Coming back from work reminds me in particular of the way our cat pads round the outskirts of each room, the way they check their territory for any changes.

    I feel, to an extent, hyperviligent, upon my partner's return from work as that's the key point when my short comings, in terms of failing a checklist of having accomplished x/y/z daily duty or getting found out for making a mess without clearing it up.

    Again, nothing aggressive or demanding, just a few quick 'did you remember to do this?' or a cheery 'I had to clear up x that you left out' or a breezy 'one of us has chipped this item'. However, these kinds of polite questions and observations or changing something I've done can happen a dozen plus times (or perhaps I imagine this).

    For example, my coat on the back of the chair gets moved back onto the coat rack and my bag left in the hallway gets put back into the dining room, a query is raised about whether I may have fed the cats too much food, an item of shopping is glanced at and is found to be wanting in some way, it turns out I have closed the washing machine door which will make it stink again, have put the pegs back in the wrong cupboard and forgotten to get an item out of the garage as requested, I am responsible for a spill on the cooker which I haven't cleaned up and can I remember not to put my lunch bag on the kitchen surface as it's not hygienic, did I notice I put a couple of mugs in the dishwasher that aren't dishwasher safe again,etc.

    Guilty as charged - I have actually committed these offences against domestic perfection. I've started to think perhaps I'm just a nightmare to live with. I did feel sorry for the Aloe Vera plant that was subjected to a long game of chess and never stayed in the same place twice.

    who's house is it? I'm curious because in our household (me, OH who works away, and teenaged daughter at home) I'm the one who does the majority of the tidying and keeping the house clean. All of the stuff you've mentioned in your post above is stuff I would have done as your partner, but I wouldn't have given you a list/running commentary of why I'd done/moved/washed whatever, I'd just do it (there are a couple of examples you've given when I would have mentioned something though, the washing machine door being one of them).

    In the early days of living with my OH, I'd ask him to tidy up behind himself, it took years for him to just do it as a natural thing, but I didn't spend years telling/asking him to do it.
    Its the same with my daughter (neither of them clean/tidy to my standard, but thats okay, we're all different).
  • missbiggles1
    missbiggles1 Posts: 17,481 Forumite
    10,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    JWM wrote: »
    This is scary.

    AllI can say is:

    RUN

    As fast as you can and don't ever go back. Why allow someone to dictate to you in this way?

    It won't get better it will only get worse as they get older. Just get out.

    The OP has made it very clear that, apart from this issue, her marriage is happy and her husband pretty nearly perfect. Fortunately, many of us take our marriage vows more seriously than you seem to do.
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